Confusion

I am now a legal adult. Nothing great is happening as is the usual story of my life. I live each day the same as the one before. Nothing changes and everything stays the same.

I am not happy where I am at currently yet I dont know how to change that. I have thought numerous times that I am going to leave the area and start over but I dont know where to go.

I want to write more but my brain has shut down. Im tired and am going to take a nap. I will write more wheni get up

ndgirl signing off

Its too late to Apologize

My weekend was wonderful. As who ever reads this knows my 21st b-day was on Saturday. It was a great time. I did end up drinking too much and getting sick but all in all it was a great time. I wouldnt have had it any other way, except for my MOM came bar hopping. not the greatest. But she behaved for the most part. Nothing spactular happend but it was good.

now for my blog title. I have been hung up on a certain someone for sometime now and couldnt get over him. Its obvious to me that he is over me but i just couldnt let him go. I kept waiting for something, anything. and it never came. I wanted an apology for how he treated me. I heard that song Apologize by OneRepublic. Its like a 3 minute song but it says so much. I loved him, with every beat of my heart yet it was never returned. It is too late for him to apologize. I know I can be treated better, and that there are guys out there that will treat me better than he did. I am not going to wait any longer. If and when he feels the need to apologize I may be around but I am not going to wait. He lost his chance and now I am moving on. I am not forgetting about him becuase I did learn alot but I have to move on.

I am a great person that deserves the utmost best. And I wont stop until i get it. I just had to get this out there.

ndgirl07 signing off

ugh....

That is exactly how I am feeling today. I dont want to be at work, I dont want to be around people. I just want to be at home in my bed, in my jammies sleeping or watching a movie. Call it the weather but I am in a very lousy mood. Its rainy and gross outside and thats what I feel. Just gross. Its not cuz I didnt shower either because I keep up on my hygeine habits, in case if any one cared.

Its my birthday in 4 days. Not just any birthday but 21. The whole concept of drinking hasnt necessarily interested me. I have been drunk before but the whole recovery you have to go through after a long night of drinking just isnt worth it. For my b-day I want to go all night and hit most every bar in town. However I am going to be a cheap drunk and with in a few hours I am sure to be so far gone that I wont even remember my name. It should be a good time. At least I am hoping so. So far only like 4 or 5 people have decided to come. That including my sister and her fiance. Close friends that always told me that the day I turn 21 they would be there cheering me on. However most have backed out. Do I care? Of course. Am I going to let it get to me? For now yes. Cuz its not fair. I want ot have people there to help me celebrate it but doesnt look like its going to happen. Oh well. If all else fails I will head to the liquor store and drink by myself :)

I got paid yesterday and I am already broke. How ironic is that. At least I know they arent going to shut my electricity off, take my car away or shut off my cell phone. But still. I work my ass off 8 hours per day and I aint got a whole lot of nothing to show for it. Hopefully one day soon I will be able to have extra money after pay day. I need me a sugar daddy.

I wrote a few days ago about being in the same room as a guy that I was supposedly involved with. At this point he is the scum beneath my toes. Remember the Little Rascals when Alfalfa writes a letter to Darla? Well thats a letter that I want to write to him. Its childish I know but sure states what I feel. I am worried that I amgoing to run into him on my b-day since the town is small and he frequents the bars looking for his latest catch. With the mood I am in today I would probably kick his ass and then kick him a few more times just for good measure. I am not a huge fan of severe violence but by golly for him I want the worst. He wouldnt even speak to me on Saturday night when I saw him. Can we say asshole? ASSHOLE. I wanted to so badly beat him down. But I contained myself because as much as I despise my job and how messy my apartment is, I really dont want to see the inside of a jail cell. Although they did add a new wing. Maybe they can name it after me :) Funny I know. Anyway back to the asshole. I found out recently that he had been fucking around with his ex-girlfriend the whole time we were together. I thank the gods up above because physically we didnt get very far. It would have been the worst mistake in my life had somthing happened. But it didnt. I still dont get why he felt the need to use me as a play toy when he couldnt get anyone else. and then throw me away once he got something better. He gives guys a bad name. Honestly right now I dont want to date ever again. Its not work the emotional heartache that a person has to go through. Its a constant reminder. I see everyone happy with their husbands, fiances, boyfriends or whatever yet I have ntohing. I dont do anything. I go home and sit all by myself watching tv. Thats all I do. I guess I can stop ranting and raving now since no one reads these anyways.

ndgirl07 signing off

Another day goes on

Another day has come and gone. I am no closer to where I want to be. I dont know what I need to do different. But its like I go through the same routine just on different days. Maybe when the day comes that i finally turn 21, life will be a bit different but as of right now it sucks.

On the love spectrum of everything it sucks. Its a long ass story that I dont feel like explaining right now. Its 1:30am in the morning and I dont have the energy. Besides the guy that I am pissed off at is in the same room :( Long story again

nd girl signing off

Time goes on.......

Nothing exciting has happened in my life in the past few weeks. Just work and more work. I am getting more excited by the day to finally turn 21. Its a milestone in my life in which I am hoping people look at me as an adult vs just a child. I know I am young but dammit I am not a baby. I dont have any real big plans for my b-day. Just a lot of drinking. I just want to have a good time and be around people who care ya know. I dont want hundreds of people that I dont even know jsut those close to me that have been there through out my life.

I havent had much time to think about much. I have been working both jobs. Although this weekend and also next weekend I am off from my part time job. I am hoping I only have only 1 shift scheduled next week as things are going to be buys. I have to get my apartment cleaned for my party on the 20th. Which is going to take a long ass time. I havent really unpacked since I moved in. I knjow where hte important stuff is but thats about it.

I cut my hair today and its super short :( well short to me anyways. I am going to style it tomorrow and see if I like it but for now it looks cute.

ndgirl07 signing off

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me

I am the first to admit that I fall for someone way to easily, most likely before I know all the facts. However if the facts are presented to me from the beginning, I tend to make the best choice I possibly can. I analyze everything until I cant analyze them any more. I guess my point is I have made a huge mistake. Its not something that is life threatening or that I cant take back or change. People who play with other peoples feelings ought to have the same thing done to them. Its not nice nor is it fair. I now at 20 years old that life sometimes isnt nice, or fair btu when someone purposely uses you only to throw you out like yesterdays trash. It makes a person rethink everything around them. I wont be mentioning names at all in this blog however this person is like the scum that is found behind a stove that hasnt been cleaned for a long ass time. I am shaking and damn near in tears over this person. I really have no reason to. I just thought this person was going to be different. Going against my best judgement I fell. And let me tell you I fell hard. He broke my heart not once but twice. I should have learned the first time but I didnt. I was stupid and came back for round two. The second time around is my fault. I will own up to that. He just proves that there arent any good guys left in this world. I may only be 20 but its looking more and more like I am going to be single for the rest of my bloody life. After this last person shattered my heart, it will be a long time before I ever let someone in my life again. I am not going to trust anyone. Its better that I keep all my secrets and feelings to myself. It only ends up hurting me in the long run when I tell someone. At least with this online blog I dont have to answer to anyone. With out mentioning names no one knows who I am talking about. They can assume whatever the hell they want but I aint telling them shit. No one from here on out will ever know my business. If they ask me how my day is I will give just a one worded response and go on with my day. I will only call someone if its an emergency and only answer if someone persistently calls me. Its time I realize who my true friends are instead of dealing with these fake ass people with their fake ass friendliness. Fuck them all. I have made it this far in my life with little or no help whose to say that I cant make it the next 50 or so years. I am a single independent women and will make it even if its the last thing I do.

a very angry ndgirl07 signing off now