ugh....

That is exactly how I am feeling today. I dont want to be at work, I dont want to be around people. I just want to be at home in my bed, in my jammies sleeping or watching a movie. Call it the weather but I am in a very lousy mood. Its rainy and gross outside and thats what I feel. Just gross. Its not cuz I didnt shower either because I keep up on my hygeine habits, in case if any one cared.

Its my birthday in 4 days. Not just any birthday but 21. The whole concept of drinking hasnt necessarily interested me. I have been drunk before but the whole recovery you have to go through after a long night of drinking just isnt worth it. For my b-day I want to go all night and hit most every bar in town. However I am going to be a cheap drunk and with in a few hours I am sure to be so far gone that I wont even remember my name. It should be a good time. At least I am hoping so. So far only like 4 or 5 people have decided to come. That including my sister and her fiance. Close friends that always told me that the day I turn 21 they would be there cheering me on. However most have backed out. Do I care? Of course. Am I going to let it get to me? For now yes. Cuz its not fair. I want ot have people there to help me celebrate it but doesnt look like its going to happen. Oh well. If all else fails I will head to the liquor store and drink by myself :)

I got paid yesterday and I am already broke. How ironic is that. At least I know they arent going to shut my electricity off, take my car away or shut off my cell phone. But still. I work my ass off 8 hours per day and I aint got a whole lot of nothing to show for it. Hopefully one day soon I will be able to have extra money after pay day. I need me a sugar daddy.

I wrote a few days ago about being in the same room as a guy that I was supposedly involved with. At this point he is the scum beneath my toes. Remember the Little Rascals when Alfalfa writes a letter to Darla? Well thats a letter that I want to write to him. Its childish I know but sure states what I feel. I am worried that I amgoing to run into him on my b-day since the town is small and he frequents the bars looking for his latest catch. With the mood I am in today I would probably kick his ass and then kick him a few more times just for good measure. I am not a huge fan of severe violence but by golly for him I want the worst. He wouldnt even speak to me on Saturday night when I saw him. Can we say asshole? ASSHOLE. I wanted to so badly beat him down. But I contained myself because as much as I despise my job and how messy my apartment is, I really dont want to see the inside of a jail cell. Although they did add a new wing. Maybe they can name it after me :) Funny I know. Anyway back to the asshole. I found out recently that he had been fucking around with his ex-girlfriend the whole time we were together. I thank the gods up above because physically we didnt get very far. It would have been the worst mistake in my life had somthing happened. But it didnt. I still dont get why he felt the need to use me as a play toy when he couldnt get anyone else. and then throw me away once he got something better. He gives guys a bad name. Honestly right now I dont want to date ever again. Its not work the emotional heartache that a person has to go through. Its a constant reminder. I see everyone happy with their husbands, fiances, boyfriends or whatever yet I have ntohing. I dont do anything. I go home and sit all by myself watching tv. Thats all I do. I guess I can stop ranting and raving now since no one reads these anyways.

ndgirl07 signing off