Life is not sprinkles and cupcakes.

I have never had a luxurious lifestyle. Growing up in a 1 income family with 5 people things werent always easy but we got by. We had food on the table and clothes on our backs but nothing more. I was never the one to bring snacks into class or have extravagent birthday parties. I havent even had a real birthday party and I am 21. But again we made it by. I was always kind of the odd one out between me and my sisters. I was the one that enjoyed playin in the dirt or going to work with my dad. I was ok with wearing hand me down clothes. I was not the smart kid in school. I wasnt the one that brought home spectacular papers that my parents could brag about. I did what I had to do in order to get by. I was never supported in what I wanted to do growing up. My parents more so my mom found it necessary to support my sisters. They really didnt care what I did but at the same time if I did something wrong I was sure to get punished. I didnt think it was a big deal growing but I feel that now its catching up to me. I need all the support I can get right now because life is changing and I am so super terrified of change.

For the last few months I have been trying to figure out how I am logically going to pay my student loans and still have money to live off of. It still isnt completely figured out and I truly am scared. I want to be able to support myself but I feel I wont be able to with the outrageous amount that they think I am supposed to pay. I had a meeting with a financial planner person that I was hoping would give me the answers that I needed. However the meeting was truly a waste of my time. I paid $25 for the session and all he told me was that my budget was coming up short. Well no shit sherlock. Hence the reason why I was coming in to see him. So absolutely nothing was figured out and I was back to square one.

The only other option that I had at this point was to ask my mom or dad to co sign on a consolidation loan that would extend my repayment period but it would lower the monthly payments and also lower the interest rate. Which would be super beneficial to me. However my mom proceeded to yell at me saying that it was just going to screw up her and my dads life in the event they want to re finance the house or buy a new vehicle. She didnt get the point that right now there are 7 seperate loans showing on their credit report and if I attempt to pay the $531 that they want each month and come up short they are going to put all 7 loans as past due. She doesnt care that potentially I could end up where I have absolutely no money. As long as everyone bows to her every need she is ok. I just tried explaining to her the consolidatiuon would benefit everyone but she wouldnt hear it. She said that if they were to sign for the loan than she would have to pay for Stacies wedding. But its not the sam. I am not asking them to pay for the loans I just need their simple signature. I got really frustrated and ended up hanging up on her. I dont need someone so negative like her in my life. She brings me down each and every day and quite honestly there is only so much one person could take. I havent talked to her since then and its been almost 2 days. Do I care? A lil bit. She needs to realize that I am not going to sit there and just take her degrading everyday. One day she may realize what she has been diong to be is wrong.

I have a possible plan that could help solve my financial woes. Its not fool proof but it could work. I had an interview yesterday for a rehabilitation place here in town and it sounds really promising. They pay your insurance and all that good stuff. And if my plan goes as i want it too, than i woudl still continue to work part time where i am at now. That would bring me right about where I need to be in order to pay everything.

thats it for now

ndgirl07 signing off

Blah....

I couldnt come up with a title for this blog. As of lately alot of things are going through my head. Most times when I start an entry here I am unable to finish as I can never seem to get my thought straight. Even now I will be lucky if I can actually finish it.

There is soo much that I want to say but its hard to put my feelings out there and have them make sense. Every month or so I go back and read all the entries that I put on here and also put in my journal that I keep at home and I hate not knowing what I was trying to say. I dont want to sugar coat anything I put on here but the fear gets the best of me. I am worried that somehow, someway, someone that knows me will find this and than use all that I write here against me. I have tried my darndest to not name names but still. Some stories/situations many people know of from hearing from me or someone else, and its not hard to put two and two together.

Life has been the same ole same ole since I last wrote in here on the 4th. I am still in the same boat as I was than. I have no idea how I am going to pay my student loans and still be able to live. I dont want to live this extravagent life st yle I just want to be able to afford my necessities with out having to take something away. I want to be able to go to the movies with a friend or out for a girls night out. But I usually have to decline or borrow money in order to do that. It sucks it really does. Not many people truly understand being in the situation that I am in. Alot of my friends and family have a significant other that has the ability to support them. Thus they dont experience what I am now.

I havent been able to buy groceries for the last 2 or so months due to money being short. I may be able to pick up a few things today since my check was larger than normal. But I know I still have to be saving for my best friends wedding in July. I just wish there was some type of guide book that would help a young person like me get through life. But I still havent found it. I know it doesnt exist but I just want to know that I am going to be able to get through the next few years of my life.

I have a meeting on Tuesday with some financial planner people to see if they can help me manage all that I am going to have starting in April. I am not holding out too much hope for the meeting because I know I have a lot of debt. But at the same time I hope they can help so that way I can start planning my future. I dont know where I am going to be 5 years from now but it would be nice to start setting some short term goals for myself. I would love one day to own a house of my own but in the situation that I am in now I dont forsee that happening any time soon. Its so hard to make it in this world by yourself and come out on top. I dont want to live the rest of my life in the whole with huge piles of debt and un paid bills. The bills that I have now I know I need to pay its just I dont have the finances to do so.

This summer some time I am getting an apartment with my little sister and her friend so I am hoping that it will make life a tad bit easier. But if nothing is figured out with my student loans than it wont be making life any easier. My car is going to be paid off soon which means a bit more money as well but student loans is goign to be taking that as well. Why do these nut heads think that a 21 year old can support herself and also pay $531/month. Do they not get the fact taht I can do that. Hell thats almost 1 month of rent and 1 month of my car payment. I dont just have all sorts of money laying around. If I knew of a location of a money tree let me tell you what. I would be there faster than you could say shit. But since that isnt a logical solution I continue to hope and pray I make it through each day. I slap on my happy face and lead everyone to believe that life is just all peaches and cream. I know other people have problems in their life so there is no point in telling them mine. They are going to just sit down and write me a check for 40 grand. Its not worth my time and energy to pour my heart out.

This entry hasnt turned out too bad. I am sure I have repeated my self countless times but while I am writing i refuse to go back and check. This allows me to get my feelings out there with out trying tocorrect myself. After all there isnt a way to correct someones feelings. They are just there and happen. Well I guess I should probably get some work done.

ndgirl07 signing off for now. :)

Life sucks

Usually I am someone that even when life isnt going the greatest, I can still find some good in it. I know that my life sucks right now but each day I have been trying to find one good thing that has happened or something like that. However as of lately I seem to be dwelling on all the negative stuff going on. I try to slap on a smiley face and pretend life is wonderful but deep down inside there is something in there that just wants to burst. I am not happy, I am not content, and I feel incredibly overwhelmed by jsut the smallest tasks in life. I feel that all my bills are late. I feel that there is absolutely no way I will be able to pay them.

I am only 21 years old. I am supposed to be going through that stage in life where I am young a stupid. However I feel so old and tired. I never get to go out with my friends. I never just get to have fun. I am always worreid about something. Money, life. all that tends to take its toll on someone. I dont know how much more i can take :(

ndgirl07 signing off