Blah....

I couldnt come up with a title for this blog. As of lately alot of things are going through my head. Most times when I start an entry here I am unable to finish as I can never seem to get my thought straight. Even now I will be lucky if I can actually finish it.

There is soo much that I want to say but its hard to put my feelings out there and have them make sense. Every month or so I go back and read all the entries that I put on here and also put in my journal that I keep at home and I hate not knowing what I was trying to say. I dont want to sugar coat anything I put on here but the fear gets the best of me. I am worried that somehow, someway, someone that knows me will find this and than use all that I write here against me. I have tried my darndest to not name names but still. Some stories/situations many people know of from hearing from me or someone else, and its not hard to put two and two together.

Life has been the same ole same ole since I last wrote in here on the 4th. I am still in the same boat as I was than. I have no idea how I am going to pay my student loans and still be able to live. I dont want to live this extravagent life st yle I just want to be able to afford my necessities with out having to take something away. I want to be able to go to the movies with a friend or out for a girls night out. But I usually have to decline or borrow money in order to do that. It sucks it really does. Not many people truly understand being in the situation that I am in. Alot of my friends and family have a significant other that has the ability to support them. Thus they dont experience what I am now.

I havent been able to buy groceries for the last 2 or so months due to money being short. I may be able to pick up a few things today since my check was larger than normal. But I know I still have to be saving for my best friends wedding in July. I just wish there was some type of guide book that would help a young person like me get through life. But I still havent found it. I know it doesnt exist but I just want to know that I am going to be able to get through the next few years of my life.

I have a meeting on Tuesday with some financial planner people to see if they can help me manage all that I am going to have starting in April. I am not holding out too much hope for the meeting because I know I have a lot of debt. But at the same time I hope they can help so that way I can start planning my future. I dont know where I am going to be 5 years from now but it would be nice to start setting some short term goals for myself. I would love one day to own a house of my own but in the situation that I am in now I dont forsee that happening any time soon. Its so hard to make it in this world by yourself and come out on top. I dont want to live the rest of my life in the whole with huge piles of debt and un paid bills. The bills that I have now I know I need to pay its just I dont have the finances to do so.

This summer some time I am getting an apartment with my little sister and her friend so I am hoping that it will make life a tad bit easier. But if nothing is figured out with my student loans than it wont be making life any easier. My car is going to be paid off soon which means a bit more money as well but student loans is goign to be taking that as well. Why do these nut heads think that a 21 year old can support herself and also pay $531/month. Do they not get the fact taht I can do that. Hell thats almost 1 month of rent and 1 month of my car payment. I dont just have all sorts of money laying around. If I knew of a location of a money tree let me tell you what. I would be there faster than you could say shit. But since that isnt a logical solution I continue to hope and pray I make it through each day. I slap on my happy face and lead everyone to believe that life is just all peaches and cream. I know other people have problems in their life so there is no point in telling them mine. They are going to just sit down and write me a check for 40 grand. Its not worth my time and energy to pour my heart out.

This entry hasnt turned out too bad. I am sure I have repeated my self countless times but while I am writing i refuse to go back and check. This allows me to get my feelings out there with out trying tocorrect myself. After all there isnt a way to correct someones feelings. They are just there and happen. Well I guess I should probably get some work done.

ndgirl07 signing off for now. :)