The past few days have been filled with alot of emotion. Lots of crying as well. I dont know why I am so hung up on this person. But I am. I love him with all of my heart. Its hard for me to even realize the depths of the feelings I had for him. Its scarey to actually reach into my heart and find them. Parts of me doesnt want to do it but the other part of me knows that in order to truly move on I have to. It truly is heartbreaking knowing how much I felt for this guy and realizing that he doesnt feel the same. It does make a person wonder what they did wrong. Was it something i did, said, wore...The list could go on and on. For those that acutally read this, yoru prolly saying that its nothing of the above. Some people just arent meant to be together and its obvious that me and this guy arent. I just saw so much potential in him that I kept hanging on even when I kenw the end was near. I wanted to believe that he loved me and that he would tell me one day. But I am so sick of waiting. I cant put myself through that emotional stress. It breaks my heart everytime that I heard about hsi new girlfriend or how he was working things out with his ex. I cant do it. I really love him and probably will for the rest of my life. One day the feelings will dwindle, maybe even go away completely. But right now I cant stop thinking of him. I dream of him, I wish he would call me. But its not going to happen. The dreams I have are fantasys that I hope one day in real life will work out the way i dream of them. I really am scared and stressed. I am going to sign off before i start crying at work
ndgirl07 signing off
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
Part 1 of 2
I have been dealing with alot of emotions this weekend and i find than when I write my feelings out it makes it easier for me to truly deal with it. The first letter I am going to post is to a friend of mine that I was seeing for awhile. I dont know if the letter will ever get delivered but here it is.
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Dear ________
I dont want this to sound like a good bye letter but I think that it has come to this. I care about you alot. The feelings I have for you are hard to put into words. You are a great person but most of all your a great father. The way you interact with your children is amazing. I love just sitting back and watching you play around with them.
For a few months I feel that you have led me on. You know how I felt for you yet you chose to play with my emotions. You knew how vulnerable I was at those particular moments and you chose to jump on the opportunity. I willprobably for the rest of my life have feelings for you. they may one day not be as strong as they are now but I am going to have to move on. There is too much going on in your life that you need to deal with. I dont know if you even saw me as someone you wanted to have a relationship with but I thought you did.
I have known you for almost 2 years now and I hope that I know you for the rest of my life. If not as a partner in a relationship than as a friend. someone I can talk to and hang out with to just joke around or watch a game. I realize that certain people are put in your life for a reason. At first I didnt know what reason you were in my life because while we got closer I got more confused. I didnt know what to think, I didnt k now what to feel. I felt myself falling for you harder and harder as the days and weeks went on. But eventually I realized that the feelings just werent mutual. Yes I cried. I cried alot. But it was just a fact of life. My heart was broken and I dont even think you realized what was happening.
I dont hate you at all for anything that happened. I thank you for all that you taught me. Unknowing to you, you taught me to stand up for myself and not back down. I always thought I was tough but when it came to certain things I realize that I backed down alot. Once I met you and actually got to know you for you, you changed that. I now wont back down from anything that I believe in or am passionate about. Including the MInnesota Vikings :). You taught me that no matter what anyone else says about me that I am a good person. Its easy for me to psych myself up and tell myself that I am a wonderful person but hearing it from someone else makes it easier to believe.
In the past month or so I have seen that you are trying to make a better person of yourself. I enjoy seeing that however I cant force myself to wait around with the feelings I have for you. Its time fo rme to move on. There will always be a place in my heart for you for the rest of my life. I truly do love you in more ways in one. If those feelings ever are returned I may be around but ....... I cant wait forever. My life is flying by me and I need to jump on the train and enjoy the ride. Good luck and dont forget to call..
Love Always
*******
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Dear ________
I dont want this to sound like a good bye letter but I think that it has come to this. I care about you alot. The feelings I have for you are hard to put into words. You are a great person but most of all your a great father. The way you interact with your children is amazing. I love just sitting back and watching you play around with them.
For a few months I feel that you have led me on. You know how I felt for you yet you chose to play with my emotions. You knew how vulnerable I was at those particular moments and you chose to jump on the opportunity. I willprobably for the rest of my life have feelings for you. they may one day not be as strong as they are now but I am going to have to move on. There is too much going on in your life that you need to deal with. I dont know if you even saw me as someone you wanted to have a relationship with but I thought you did.
I have known you for almost 2 years now and I hope that I know you for the rest of my life. If not as a partner in a relationship than as a friend. someone I can talk to and hang out with to just joke around or watch a game. I realize that certain people are put in your life for a reason. At first I didnt know what reason you were in my life because while we got closer I got more confused. I didnt know what to think, I didnt k now what to feel. I felt myself falling for you harder and harder as the days and weeks went on. But eventually I realized that the feelings just werent mutual. Yes I cried. I cried alot. But it was just a fact of life. My heart was broken and I dont even think you realized what was happening.
I dont hate you at all for anything that happened. I thank you for all that you taught me. Unknowing to you, you taught me to stand up for myself and not back down. I always thought I was tough but when it came to certain things I realize that I backed down alot. Once I met you and actually got to know you for you, you changed that. I now wont back down from anything that I believe in or am passionate about. Including the MInnesota Vikings :). You taught me that no matter what anyone else says about me that I am a good person. Its easy for me to psych myself up and tell myself that I am a wonderful person but hearing it from someone else makes it easier to believe.
In the past month or so I have seen that you are trying to make a better person of yourself. I enjoy seeing that however I cant force myself to wait around with the feelings I have for you. Its time fo rme to move on. There will always be a place in my heart for you for the rest of my life. I truly do love you in more ways in one. If those feelings ever are returned I may be around but ....... I cant wait forever. My life is flying by me and I need to jump on the train and enjoy the ride. Good luck and dont forget to call..
Love Always
*******
Betrayal
I havent had the worlds greatest weekend. Alot of it was spent sleeping and working however when ever I wasnt doing either of those I was thinking. About life, boys, money and my supposed friends that have chosen this point to back stab me. I know life isnt supposed to be easy and I am not asking that it would be. Life is supposed to be difficult at times because that is what makes us who we are. Forcing ourselves to get through the tough times is what makes us, us. There are those who choose to sit down and take the easy road and then there are those of us who try to stand although unsure if we are going to be able to. Then there are of course those who stand straight up and take on what the world plans on throwing at them. I guess I am someone in the middle. I try my damndest to stand straight up and fight the world but there are many days where its a struggle to even get to my feet. But I do try hard to make things work no matter the situation.
Some of my older sisters guy friends from high school I still talk to from time to time. The two that I talk to quite frequently are some of my best friends. They look out for me as if I was their little sister. They have both stated time and time again that if I ever needed anything that all I had to do was call. I havent really took them up on that offer just because I am nto someone who likes to ask for help. Anyways I ended up runnign into one of them at the bars on thursday when I was out and about. I was shocked none the less that I seen him but was excited too. We chit chatted for a few minutes and he said he would be back. For the rest of the time at the bar he sat with me and a couple of girls that I came with. We were having a grand ole time just hanging out. Sometime during the night, i think when I had gone to the bathroom, one of the girls i was with decided it was her time to swoop in and try to take this guy away. Granted i would never date him just because he is my sisters exboyfriend but still thats not the point. Per previous posts I have written she is the one that decided to f uck around witha guy I met at a bar right after my birthday. Anyways she ends up giving hiim her phone number and thats when we called it a night. I dont know if anything happened between the two and frankly I am prolly better off not knowing. Cuz if I find out something did happen between them I will severely beat her with my own bare hands.
Just because she is willing to spread like butter to any guy that is willing doesnt mean she needs to ruin the chance for me. At this rate I am never going to be able to find myself a decent man that is not after just sex. I seriously just want to pack up and get out for awhile because of all the shit that is going on here. Its not fair it really isnt.
I feel that I have so much mroe to say on here but my thoughts are all jumbled and shit so i cant get anything straight. Maybe its the lack of sleep, maybe is stress. I dont have an idea but for now I am going to sign off and maybe write more later.
ndgirl07 signing off.
Some of my older sisters guy friends from high school I still talk to from time to time. The two that I talk to quite frequently are some of my best friends. They look out for me as if I was their little sister. They have both stated time and time again that if I ever needed anything that all I had to do was call. I havent really took them up on that offer just because I am nto someone who likes to ask for help. Anyways I ended up runnign into one of them at the bars on thursday when I was out and about. I was shocked none the less that I seen him but was excited too. We chit chatted for a few minutes and he said he would be back. For the rest of the time at the bar he sat with me and a couple of girls that I came with. We were having a grand ole time just hanging out. Sometime during the night, i think when I had gone to the bathroom, one of the girls i was with decided it was her time to swoop in and try to take this guy away. Granted i would never date him just because he is my sisters exboyfriend but still thats not the point. Per previous posts I have written she is the one that decided to f uck around witha guy I met at a bar right after my birthday. Anyways she ends up giving hiim her phone number and thats when we called it a night. I dont know if anything happened between the two and frankly I am prolly better off not knowing. Cuz if I find out something did happen between them I will severely beat her with my own bare hands.
Just because she is willing to spread like butter to any guy that is willing doesnt mean she needs to ruin the chance for me. At this rate I am never going to be able to find myself a decent man that is not after just sex. I seriously just want to pack up and get out for awhile because of all the shit that is going on here. Its not fair it really isnt.
I feel that I have so much mroe to say on here but my thoughts are all jumbled and shit so i cant get anything straight. Maybe its the lack of sleep, maybe is stress. I dont have an idea but for now I am going to sign off and maybe write more later.
ndgirl07 signing off.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
I am still at work
It is now 6:12pm and I am still at work. My shift is scheduled to be done at 4:30pm yet I am still here. Someone had the bright idea of having a conference call after everyone was supposed to get off work so now my night has been shot to hell. I just want to go home, eat supper, and go to bed. The only plus side is this is considered overtime and tomorrow is Friday. Oh and today was pay day. I have been so focused on my story that I want to get home and write.
Oh well I guess life will go on no matter how much I hate the fact that I am still here. Its quiet in the building for once with no one here. The after hours department is here but they are on the other end of the office so you dont really here them. Down on my end there are only like 3 or 4 people still here so there isnt much going on.
There is nothing really spactular to report on my life right now. Same shit different day seems to be my life. some day I will be able to come on here and say such profound things that blow people away....(yeah right...i know yall are laughing your asses off) Until then I best be focusing on this conference call thingy I have.
ndgirl07 signing off
Oh well I guess life will go on no matter how much I hate the fact that I am still here. Its quiet in the building for once with no one here. The after hours department is here but they are on the other end of the office so you dont really here them. Down on my end there are only like 3 or 4 people still here so there isnt much going on.
There is nothing really spactular to report on my life right now. Same shit different day seems to be my life. some day I will be able to come on here and say such profound things that blow people away....(yeah right...i know yall are laughing your asses off) Until then I best be focusing on this conference call thingy I have.
ndgirl07 signing off
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Book writing 101
So I began the wonderful journey of writing a book. I got a whopping 8 pages written. Woohoo. Go me. I sat down after I checked my email and just begain to write. I wrote for an hour or so and had to eat. (somewhat of a necessity :)) Upon finishing my food I sat back to write. I got a few more pages done after that but come 7pm the writing became sporadic. Dancing with the Stars, Samantha Who and the Bachelor were on right after another. Shows I cant miss :) Oh well there will be more writing tonight. I dont have to work at Hollister until Saturday night so I have a bit of freetime to deal with. I could logically be cleaning but that can always wait.
I hope to have the rough draft of my story done with in 6 months or so. It all depends on how motivated I get when I get home. I am easily distracted either by email, msn, or when people call my phone. But I am going to finish this one. I have set my mind to it.
well thats all for now...again i should be working :)
ndgirl07 signing off for now
I hope to have the rough draft of my story done with in 6 months or so. It all depends on how motivated I get when I get home. I am easily distracted either by email, msn, or when people call my phone. But I am going to finish this one. I have set my mind to it.
well thats all for now...again i should be working :)
ndgirl07 signing off for now
Monday, November 12, 2007
There is light at the end of the tunnel
First and formost for anyone that has read this blog, I got my results on Saturday and I do not have cancer. They were precancerous but the doctor said that he got everything so al I have to do now is go in for check ups. The letter stated every 3 years but when I go in for my appointment the end of this month I am going to talk to him about it. I think 3 years is a little to long to wait but who am I to say anything. I am not the one who spent God knows how many years in school. I guess we will see. On to the next bit of business in my world.
I have decided to try and write a book. For many years I have always loved writing. I get these amazing starts to stories yet I never finish them. I seem to always start them while I was busy with school and I would get busy doing other projects that I would end up forgetting them. Now that I am done with school I have a little bit of free time on my hands so I am going to start this crazy adventure tonight....after I clean out my car that is. I think I could end up living in my car if need be. I have blankets, food, shoes, pants, sleeping bag, movies. Everything u can think of I have in there. What can I say. Not to long ago I was a college student which required me to primarily live out of my car. :)
Back to my story writing. I have superb ideas running through my head that I cant wait to get on paper. I hope to actually be able to start and finish this one. Its so hard though cuz i will write and write and write for days getting quite a few pages done however then I fall into a rut and not be able to think of anything else to write. So i usually reread what I have already written to jog my memory as to which direction I was going to go with my story. Then I end up changing the beginning of my story so muych that end up restarting. I dont want my book to end up sounding like anyone elses. I want it to be original and fun but still true to who I am. Its giong to be fun to actually see if I can finish the book and after that edit it and see if it can get published. Its kind of exciting. I love writing and hope to actually make one of my dreams come true. I want to have a book published. I want to be able to say I did something that I lvoe. I would prolly never be able to make a living off of my writing but its something I am truly passionate about.
Well thats all for now as I am supposed to be working :) I amsure there will be mroe as I begin to write my book.
ndgirl07 signing off
I have decided to try and write a book. For many years I have always loved writing. I get these amazing starts to stories yet I never finish them. I seem to always start them while I was busy with school and I would get busy doing other projects that I would end up forgetting them. Now that I am done with school I have a little bit of free time on my hands so I am going to start this crazy adventure tonight....after I clean out my car that is. I think I could end up living in my car if need be. I have blankets, food, shoes, pants, sleeping bag, movies. Everything u can think of I have in there. What can I say. Not to long ago I was a college student which required me to primarily live out of my car. :)
Back to my story writing. I have superb ideas running through my head that I cant wait to get on paper. I hope to actually be able to start and finish this one. Its so hard though cuz i will write and write and write for days getting quite a few pages done however then I fall into a rut and not be able to think of anything else to write. So i usually reread what I have already written to jog my memory as to which direction I was going to go with my story. Then I end up changing the beginning of my story so muych that end up restarting. I dont want my book to end up sounding like anyone elses. I want it to be original and fun but still true to who I am. Its giong to be fun to actually see if I can finish the book and after that edit it and see if it can get published. Its kind of exciting. I love writing and hope to actually make one of my dreams come true. I want to have a book published. I want to be able to say I did something that I lvoe. I would prolly never be able to make a living off of my writing but its something I am truly passionate about.
Well thats all for now as I am supposed to be working :) I amsure there will be mroe as I begin to write my book.
ndgirl07 signing off
Saturday, November 3, 2007
It will never happen to me
As crazy as this world is, I live in a decent area. Not a huge crime rate and over all its a great place to live and work. (now I am sounding like a commercial) You hear people dying or getting sick everyday. But not once do you think it will happen to you.
I received a huge wake up call this passed thursday. I had gone into the doctor for some medical reason and had a colonoscopy done to see what was wrong. The doc said he removed 5 polyps off my colon which isnt terrible. If I asked him if that was all and I would be fine he stated that he had to send the polyps off to the lab for testing to see what exactly they were. He was worried about 2 of them because they were fairly large and there was a good chance they could be cancerous. CANCER?! Not me. I know I am not the worlds healthiest person but not cancer. I lost my grandpa to cancer. I am 21 after all. I just graduated college. I shouldnt have cancer....not now....not ever.
I wont know the results for 2 week or less but its going to be the longest 2 weeks of my life. I dont know what to do. Everyone keeps asking me if i found anything out. Well sure I did but I dont want to even think that I have cancer. THe odds are against me considering that someone in my family is always getting diagnosed with cancer. I dont know what to do next I really dont. Hopefully the tests will come back showing its not cancer and I can move on from this ordeal. Hope.....thats what I am hanging on to. HOPE
ndgirl07 signing off
I received a huge wake up call this passed thursday. I had gone into the doctor for some medical reason and had a colonoscopy done to see what was wrong. The doc said he removed 5 polyps off my colon which isnt terrible. If I asked him if that was all and I would be fine he stated that he had to send the polyps off to the lab for testing to see what exactly they were. He was worried about 2 of them because they were fairly large and there was a good chance they could be cancerous. CANCER?! Not me. I know I am not the worlds healthiest person but not cancer. I lost my grandpa to cancer. I am 21 after all. I just graduated college. I shouldnt have cancer....not now....not ever.
I wont know the results for 2 week or less but its going to be the longest 2 weeks of my life. I dont know what to do. Everyone keeps asking me if i found anything out. Well sure I did but I dont want to even think that I have cancer. THe odds are against me considering that someone in my family is always getting diagnosed with cancer. I dont know what to do next I really dont. Hopefully the tests will come back showing its not cancer and I can move on from this ordeal. Hope.....thats what I am hanging on to. HOPE
ndgirl07 signing off
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