With only a matter of hours before 2008 brings its arrival a few things have changed in my little life. Nothing tooo major but things I feel the need to write about.
Friday night I was scheduled to work at my part time job. I couldnt sleep so I just watched my regular TV shows until I was supposed to leave. They had us at the store before it even closed and that irked me alot. But oh well. I was there to do my job so I did it. Even though it was quite frustrating as the customers are trying to shop and we are trying to fold I sure did the best that I could. I had printed off my schedule off when I got there since I am leaving for Boston in a week I wanted to see what days I could possibly find enough time to get all my stuff done. They had me scheduled for every day during the week prior to my leaving. That was the last straw on the camels back. It was extremely busy so I didnt want to approach my manager because there were just too many people around. Upon the store closing I tracked her down and told her that I was quitting. She asked if i woudl stay the rest of my two weeks. I said no. She asked if I would finish the rest of the night. I said no again. She then proceeded to say that if I was truly going to quit the way that I did than I would never be able to work there again. Do I give a flying fuck. Absolutely not. It was a mistake for me to even get a job at that place. They treat you like dirt and the pay is shit if you ask me.
After I had punched out she said that she wanted to talk about the reasons why I was quitting. So I laid it all out there. Shes rude, the scheduling is bad and the way they run the place sucks ass. Natuarally she was just going "by store policy" so I didnt really get much out of the conversation. But oh well. Its over and done with right now so there is no going back. money is going to be tight for a long time but I will make it do. I have done it before and I will do it again.
Last night I got to take my Litte man. Even though I only spent an hour with him I absolutely loved it. He is the cutest little 3 year old that I know. If I could i would take him with me and run away for ever.
Its New Years Eve tonight and I am not sure what I am going to do but I will most likely end up at the bars. Its the cool thing to do ya know. :)
Thats all for now.
ndgirl07 signing off for now
Monday, December 31, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
Part 2
Not want to drag on too long in one post i decided to break it up. Not like it matters but oh well.
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Once I got settled at home again I found a job, make that 2 and began my senior year studies via the mail. I didnt want to go back to school for fear of teasing since i went to a religious school. I was content. I went to work across the street in the morning and at night i went to work just a few blocks away. On nights/days off I did my home work or took tests. It was my happy little world that i lived in and I liked it. Upon finishing my senior year I continued to work for awhile in my home town. Once I was given the ok to use my grandpas car (he had passed away and my dad got it) I ventured into the big city (ok so not that big) to find something better paying. It was better paying but for the shit I had to go through on a day to day basis as a debt collector it wasnt worht it. So i foudn something new after a few months. All the while mind you I was going to college. I started working for a leisure travel agency. It was ok until they decided to be bitches about my school schedule. So I pretty much said fuck you and found a job as a corporate travel agent (much less stressful), where I have been for the past 1 1/2 years.
In between all this job switching I made the big choice to move out of the rentals house and itno the big city. I had found "someone" to kind replace S since she was so far away. Befriending S had kind of turned my life into a tail spin a little bit. But it taught me alot about what I truly wanted in life. She had 2 gorgeous boys T and D. I cherished both of those boys with all my heart but for what ever reason D sure struck my heart. He was a gorgeous 18 month old boy when I first met him and I fell in love. That boy had me at hello. I think i was drawn to him because he was soon to be the middle child. You see S was pregnant with a little girl at the time. I am a middle child and I think thats why we bonded on some super natural level. As soon and I moved into the big city S and I were inseperable. I was over at her apartment all the time and we also worked to gether. I cried when she cried, she cried when I cried. She was going through her own drama at the time and I was still trying to become surely independent wityh just having moved out. I went to her appointments for Little M and heard the heart beat and saw ultrasounds. I had never seen this before. I was amazed at that. I was that the hospital only afew hours after Little M was born and even got to hold her precious little body. It was beautiful. S and I went from one job to another together and worked together for about 8 months before things didnt work out for S. We still talked almost ever day and I still took my little man D from time to time. One day though the friendship came to a screeching halt when I did something wrong in her book. I am not oging to get into details in fear that they are reading thign however it was only a friend helping a friend. I still talk to S from time to time but not like it was before. I feel that I am losing D although I have tried to take him from time to time. Hes my man and I miss him. There is again a void in my life where S once filled. In the last year or so I havent found any one that can fill it. Alot of my secrets get held in side and bottled up.
There have been people that have come close to getting the covetteed spot but things have happened or things have been said that pushed them out of the running. I need that one person that I can forever depend on. That is there when I need to get away from my self and that someone who pulls me back to reality. There are still a couple people that are close to getting that spot but I havent let them take that final step to the podium. I guess you could say that I am scared. I dont want to get shit on like I have been. I dont want to feel dissappointment like I did before. I dont want to be rejected. I just want to be loved. Whether its in the friendly kind of love, homie love, or even romantic love. I just want it for ME.
When I first started this blog today I had a different purporse for it. I sitll dont feel like its done but I get to leave work so now it is done. Its alot of rambling but it sure made me feel better. I will write more later.
ndgirl07 signing off for now
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Once I got settled at home again I found a job, make that 2 and began my senior year studies via the mail. I didnt want to go back to school for fear of teasing since i went to a religious school. I was content. I went to work across the street in the morning and at night i went to work just a few blocks away. On nights/days off I did my home work or took tests. It was my happy little world that i lived in and I liked it. Upon finishing my senior year I continued to work for awhile in my home town. Once I was given the ok to use my grandpas car (he had passed away and my dad got it) I ventured into the big city (ok so not that big) to find something better paying. It was better paying but for the shit I had to go through on a day to day basis as a debt collector it wasnt worht it. So i foudn something new after a few months. All the while mind you I was going to college. I started working for a leisure travel agency. It was ok until they decided to be bitches about my school schedule. So I pretty much said fuck you and found a job as a corporate travel agent (much less stressful), where I have been for the past 1 1/2 years.
In between all this job switching I made the big choice to move out of the rentals house and itno the big city. I had found "someone" to kind replace S since she was so far away. Befriending S had kind of turned my life into a tail spin a little bit. But it taught me alot about what I truly wanted in life. She had 2 gorgeous boys T and D. I cherished both of those boys with all my heart but for what ever reason D sure struck my heart. He was a gorgeous 18 month old boy when I first met him and I fell in love. That boy had me at hello. I think i was drawn to him because he was soon to be the middle child. You see S was pregnant with a little girl at the time. I am a middle child and I think thats why we bonded on some super natural level. As soon and I moved into the big city S and I were inseperable. I was over at her apartment all the time and we also worked to gether. I cried when she cried, she cried when I cried. She was going through her own drama at the time and I was still trying to become surely independent wityh just having moved out. I went to her appointments for Little M and heard the heart beat and saw ultrasounds. I had never seen this before. I was amazed at that. I was that the hospital only afew hours after Little M was born and even got to hold her precious little body. It was beautiful. S and I went from one job to another together and worked together for about 8 months before things didnt work out for S. We still talked almost ever day and I still took my little man D from time to time. One day though the friendship came to a screeching halt when I did something wrong in her book. I am not oging to get into details in fear that they are reading thign however it was only a friend helping a friend. I still talk to S from time to time but not like it was before. I feel that I am losing D although I have tried to take him from time to time. Hes my man and I miss him. There is again a void in my life where S once filled. In the last year or so I havent found any one that can fill it. Alot of my secrets get held in side and bottled up.
There have been people that have come close to getting the covetteed spot but things have happened or things have been said that pushed them out of the running. I need that one person that I can forever depend on. That is there when I need to get away from my self and that someone who pulls me back to reality. There are still a couple people that are close to getting that spot but I havent let them take that final step to the podium. I guess you could say that I am scared. I dont want to get shit on like I have been. I dont want to feel dissappointment like I did before. I dont want to be rejected. I just want to be loved. Whether its in the friendly kind of love, homie love, or even romantic love. I just want it for ME.
When I first started this blog today I had a different purporse for it. I sitll dont feel like its done but I get to leave work so now it is done. Its alot of rambling but it sure made me feel better. I will write more later.
ndgirl07 signing off for now
There's got to be more to life than chasing down every temporary high...Part 1
For some reason or another the song title and singer are slipping my mind. I love the song and can recite most of the lyrics from heart although some are escaping my brain. Is there more to life than just the temporary highs? Is there a permanent high? Im not talking the high you get from drugs or alcohol but that bliss you feel when something is going right. You wake up happy and you go to bed happy. That kind of high. I may only be 21 years old however I have felt that high a time or two in my life. But only for a few hours or a few days. Never much longer than that. I want to feel it for weeks if not months on end. Now I am not asking for a ride forever on the clouds just something thats shows to me that it life truly is worth the troubles you go through on a day to day basis. it sure hasnt been shown to me yet.
I have just spent that last 4 or 5 hours of work reading various blogs I have fallen upon. Some about the joys of having 1 child or some times up to 5 and there are also the other blogs that I have read about single mothers/women, and familys just trying to have 1. The struggles they all have went through are crazy for me to read on my end but they all seem to find humor in it or somehow find the courage to let it go and let it become something of the past. Why cant I do that with my petty problems. Why cant i find the courage to just lift my head and be thankful that I am here for today and not worry about what happened yesterday or whats going to happen tomorrow. I want to just live for today and see where that takes me. Ask any of my friends if they want to plan something with me in advanced I tell them I dont know. I cant plan. I dotn plan. I hate planning. I dont like to be locked into something that I may not be able to do. I dont like planning at all. Planning to me seems so final. Its almost like its written in stone. Sure you can change your plans but than it throw a kink into other peoples plans and throws everything off kilter.
I like feeling a sense of normalcy. I know how things in my little world are suppose to flow and if something gets off balance it throws my head into a tailspin. This may be some type of disorder but who knows. I know how to make it through the day and that is all that matters. There are so many things in life that I am craving right now yet i dont have the slightest clue as to how to achieve them. Well I guess one of them is kind of obvious but that is beside the point.
Growing up as a child my mom was a stay-at-home mom. It was great having someone there all the time with you and not having to be shoved into day care with 900 other kids. I think it was when i was in grade school when she decided to go back to work. My little sister at the time would have been in kindegarten and back than (only 12 years ago) you had the option of going all day. Since my mom thought it would be best for us that what she did. We attended kindegarten all day long. I loved it. Both my sisters loved it as well. I think it was right around the time when my mom went back to work that I really started distancing myself from everyone around me except my father. I had one best friend all through out grade school until the 6th grade. Stephanie and I did everything together. We would spend the night at each others house and for birthdays we invited each other over. I was happily content with this one friend. and she felt the same. Even than we could have conversations on the phone for hours on end about nothing in particular. She was my best friend and I was hers. I still have the wrapping paper from one of my birthday presents from her. The summer after my 6th grade year I moved away. Not far but far enough to where I had to go to a new school. I was starting junior high and I was terrified. Because we were coming from their rival school. Not something to brag about. But much to my surprise there was again 1 person that seemed to understand. To the public eye we were the oddest best friends. Her family was fairly wealthy and mine however made enough money to pay the bills and not much else. Dont get my wrong we were always provided for but we never had any of that play money. But we were there for each other. Through break ups and make ups we were there. I was her shoulder and she was mine.
We both cried the day I decided that I would go to boarding school 3 hours away my sophomore year in high school. It was my choice and I am glad I did it. Again I left the 1 person I trusted the most. The one person that knew every last secret about me. The one person who didnt care if I wore mis matched socks that day. The one person that didnt care if i was wearing name brands or not. Going to boarding school was a good thing in my life but It was definatlely an adjustment period. it took me a long hell of a time to find that 1 person that I could count on. The one person that I could cry to and could cry back to me. But I found her. She was my best friend and I would have done anything for her. Upon moving back home after my junior year of high school I left her. It broke my h eart. I cried and she cried. Not only was I moving back home but she was moving to Alabama. More than a 3 hour drive for me. I cried for days.
After she had left the big state for sure I retreated inside my shell and didnt bother finding a new person. It wasnt worth it. I always left when things got hard or my parents had to move. It wasnt fair to me and it wasnt fair to them. Grant most of them have moved on but I am still talkign to K. she will forever remain my best friend. But being alot of states away doesnt solve my delima of finding that one person I can go to with any thing.
I have just spent that last 4 or 5 hours of work reading various blogs I have fallen upon. Some about the joys of having 1 child or some times up to 5 and there are also the other blogs that I have read about single mothers/women, and familys just trying to have 1. The struggles they all have went through are crazy for me to read on my end but they all seem to find humor in it or somehow find the courage to let it go and let it become something of the past. Why cant I do that with my petty problems. Why cant i find the courage to just lift my head and be thankful that I am here for today and not worry about what happened yesterday or whats going to happen tomorrow. I want to just live for today and see where that takes me. Ask any of my friends if they want to plan something with me in advanced I tell them I dont know. I cant plan. I dotn plan. I hate planning. I dont like to be locked into something that I may not be able to do. I dont like planning at all. Planning to me seems so final. Its almost like its written in stone. Sure you can change your plans but than it throw a kink into other peoples plans and throws everything off kilter.
I like feeling a sense of normalcy. I know how things in my little world are suppose to flow and if something gets off balance it throws my head into a tailspin. This may be some type of disorder but who knows. I know how to make it through the day and that is all that matters. There are so many things in life that I am craving right now yet i dont have the slightest clue as to how to achieve them. Well I guess one of them is kind of obvious but that is beside the point.
Growing up as a child my mom was a stay-at-home mom. It was great having someone there all the time with you and not having to be shoved into day care with 900 other kids. I think it was when i was in grade school when she decided to go back to work. My little sister at the time would have been in kindegarten and back than (only 12 years ago) you had the option of going all day. Since my mom thought it would be best for us that what she did. We attended kindegarten all day long. I loved it. Both my sisters loved it as well. I think it was right around the time when my mom went back to work that I really started distancing myself from everyone around me except my father. I had one best friend all through out grade school until the 6th grade. Stephanie and I did everything together. We would spend the night at each others house and for birthdays we invited each other over. I was happily content with this one friend. and she felt the same. Even than we could have conversations on the phone for hours on end about nothing in particular. She was my best friend and I was hers. I still have the wrapping paper from one of my birthday presents from her. The summer after my 6th grade year I moved away. Not far but far enough to where I had to go to a new school. I was starting junior high and I was terrified. Because we were coming from their rival school. Not something to brag about. But much to my surprise there was again 1 person that seemed to understand. To the public eye we were the oddest best friends. Her family was fairly wealthy and mine however made enough money to pay the bills and not much else. Dont get my wrong we were always provided for but we never had any of that play money. But we were there for each other. Through break ups and make ups we were there. I was her shoulder and she was mine.
We both cried the day I decided that I would go to boarding school 3 hours away my sophomore year in high school. It was my choice and I am glad I did it. Again I left the 1 person I trusted the most. The one person that knew every last secret about me. The one person who didnt care if I wore mis matched socks that day. The one person that didnt care if i was wearing name brands or not. Going to boarding school was a good thing in my life but It was definatlely an adjustment period. it took me a long hell of a time to find that 1 person that I could count on. The one person that I could cry to and could cry back to me. But I found her. She was my best friend and I would have done anything for her. Upon moving back home after my junior year of high school I left her. It broke my h eart. I cried and she cried. Not only was I moving back home but she was moving to Alabama. More than a 3 hour drive for me. I cried for days.
After she had left the big state for sure I retreated inside my shell and didnt bother finding a new person. It wasnt worth it. I always left when things got hard or my parents had to move. It wasnt fair to me and it wasnt fair to them. Grant most of them have moved on but I am still talkign to K. she will forever remain my best friend. But being alot of states away doesnt solve my delima of finding that one person I can go to with any thing.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Blog #2 in the same day
So I have made the decision. I am headed back to school. As much as I despised it the first time around I am going back for my bachelors. I dont like the stress of homework or the stress of money or anything like that but I am doing it.
I have realized that going to college is the one thing I am good at. I can apply myself and get good grades. Call it trying to compete with my sisters but its something that makes me feel good. I havent done much else in my life good enough for praise but for me school allows me to be proud of myself if even for a moment. I want to make something of my life and right now I feel as though nothing is happening. I want to succeed and I want to make a good life for myself even if it is by myself.
I wanted to go back and get a double major but I think I am going to take it one step at a time. I was so excited to be done with school the first time around. I needed some time for me and although its only been 3 months I feel I have had all the time that I need.
Part of the reason why I am going back is to keep my mind busy. To be around people who dont know about a certain someone that consumes my every waking moment. THey dont know him or how he treated me. THey dont know anything about the situation. I want ot move on and hopefully throwing myself into school will allow me to move on or atleast for the next 2 years stop forgetting about him. I know how crazy hard it is working 40 hours a week is tough enough but adding classes 4 nights a week is even tougher but it keeps my thoughts on homework. Its something that works for me and its the one thing I can do and praise myself for. Only a few people know that I am going back and many will probably think that I am crazy but ya know u only live once and why not do things that allow u to praise yourself.
One day I may get rewarded for my hard efforts but for now I will keep trudging on no matter what happens or how hard it gets. Life isnt as hard as I seem to make it. So much for this blog about being life after graduating college. I guess its now about a graduate going back so soon after graduation. Hell my ceremony is this next thursday and i will hopefully be going back the beginning of january. To those who read this wish me luck becuase i am sure I amgoing to need it.
ndgirl07 signing off for now and heading to bed. :)
I have realized that going to college is the one thing I am good at. I can apply myself and get good grades. Call it trying to compete with my sisters but its something that makes me feel good. I havent done much else in my life good enough for praise but for me school allows me to be proud of myself if even for a moment. I want to make something of my life and right now I feel as though nothing is happening. I want to succeed and I want to make a good life for myself even if it is by myself.
I wanted to go back and get a double major but I think I am going to take it one step at a time. I was so excited to be done with school the first time around. I needed some time for me and although its only been 3 months I feel I have had all the time that I need.
Part of the reason why I am going back is to keep my mind busy. To be around people who dont know about a certain someone that consumes my every waking moment. THey dont know him or how he treated me. THey dont know anything about the situation. I want ot move on and hopefully throwing myself into school will allow me to move on or atleast for the next 2 years stop forgetting about him. I know how crazy hard it is working 40 hours a week is tough enough but adding classes 4 nights a week is even tougher but it keeps my thoughts on homework. Its something that works for me and its the one thing I can do and praise myself for. Only a few people know that I am going back and many will probably think that I am crazy but ya know u only live once and why not do things that allow u to praise yourself.
One day I may get rewarded for my hard efforts but for now I will keep trudging on no matter what happens or how hard it gets. Life isnt as hard as I seem to make it. So much for this blog about being life after graduating college. I guess its now about a graduate going back so soon after graduation. Hell my ceremony is this next thursday and i will hopefully be going back the beginning of january. To those who read this wish me luck becuase i am sure I amgoing to need it.
ndgirl07 signing off for now and heading to bed. :)
Another day
I have returned from my work trip to Omaha, NE. It was a nice little break from all that is going on in my hometown but it wasnt great. While I was down there the mall had a shooting in which 9 people including the shooter are confirmed dead. It was only 2 miles away from my hotel so that kind of freaked me out. It didnt happen until the day before I was supposed to leave. Its scarey how those types of things happen and since the shooter is dead we will never have any answers.
Christmas is just around the corner. We are actually having our family christmas this coming Saturday since my sister and her fiance are going to his family's house for christmas. I feel really bad for my family and friends this year becuase I dont have the money I would liek to spend on them. I know my little sister is planning on spending like $75 per person on me and my older sister. We are all getting matching tattoos. Its gonna be the chinese symbol for sisters. Im really excited to get it however I feel bad because I wont be able to spend anything near that amount on them. It will be maybe $20 a person maybe a little bit more.
It sucks because I knwo they deserve so much more but I cant afford to put myself in the hole just get them the high end presents. Kind of puts a damper on the holiday season. oh well i guess thats it for now.
ndgirl07 signing off for now
Christmas is just around the corner. We are actually having our family christmas this coming Saturday since my sister and her fiance are going to his family's house for christmas. I feel really bad for my family and friends this year becuase I dont have the money I would liek to spend on them. I know my little sister is planning on spending like $75 per person on me and my older sister. We are all getting matching tattoos. Its gonna be the chinese symbol for sisters. Im really excited to get it however I feel bad because I wont be able to spend anything near that amount on them. It will be maybe $20 a person maybe a little bit more.
It sucks because I knwo they deserve so much more but I cant afford to put myself in the hole just get them the high end presents. Kind of puts a damper on the holiday season. oh well i guess thats it for now.
ndgirl07 signing off for now
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Goodbye My almost Lover
This song was brought to my attention of someone at work and it kind of hit home as far as what I am going through in my so called love life.
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Almost Lover lyrics
You fingertips against my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images,
noI never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy for you
To walk right in and out of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
By A Fine Frenzy
********************************************************************************
I know I need to move on from this part of my life however I dont think that I am ready to let go of this person. I know in my mind that he is not the right person for me but I cant bare the thought of taking him out of my life. The way I felt when I was with him is something that I cannot put in words. There were only a few times but still those I want to be able to cherish for the rest of my life. I dont want to say goodbye as the song says. I want to hang on to the hope that one day we can be together. I know its not good for me to hang on to this but I can help it. I love him. I dont know if I want to stop loving him. I really dont. Its a part of me that I dont know if I want to get rid of even though I know its better for me to do so.
Life has been going on a downward sprial right now. Mentally I guess I am still ok although I am worried that I wont be able to hang on for my life to start looking up. I try to be happy but I dont know how. I will write more later but considering its almost 1am my brain has ceased thinking straight.
ndgirl07 signing off for now
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Almost Lover lyrics
You fingertips against my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images,
noI never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy for you
To walk right in and out of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
By A Fine Frenzy
********************************************************************************
I know I need to move on from this part of my life however I dont think that I am ready to let go of this person. I know in my mind that he is not the right person for me but I cant bare the thought of taking him out of my life. The way I felt when I was with him is something that I cannot put in words. There were only a few times but still those I want to be able to cherish for the rest of my life. I dont want to say goodbye as the song says. I want to hang on to the hope that one day we can be together. I know its not good for me to hang on to this but I can help it. I love him. I dont know if I want to stop loving him. I really dont. Its a part of me that I dont know if I want to get rid of even though I know its better for me to do so.
Life has been going on a downward sprial right now. Mentally I guess I am still ok although I am worried that I wont be able to hang on for my life to start looking up. I try to be happy but I dont know how. I will write more later but considering its almost 1am my brain has ceased thinking straight.
ndgirl07 signing off for now
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