Part 2

Not want to drag on too long in one post i decided to break it up. Not like it matters but oh well.
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Once I got settled at home again I found a job, make that 2 and began my senior year studies via the mail. I didnt want to go back to school for fear of teasing since i went to a religious school. I was content. I went to work across the street in the morning and at night i went to work just a few blocks away. On nights/days off I did my home work or took tests. It was my happy little world that i lived in and I liked it. Upon finishing my senior year I continued to work for awhile in my home town. Once I was given the ok to use my grandpas car (he had passed away and my dad got it) I ventured into the big city (ok so not that big) to find something better paying. It was better paying but for the shit I had to go through on a day to day basis as a debt collector it wasnt worht it. So i foudn something new after a few months. All the while mind you I was going to college. I started working for a leisure travel agency. It was ok until they decided to be bitches about my school schedule. So I pretty much said fuck you and found a job as a corporate travel agent (much less stressful), where I have been for the past 1 1/2 years.

In between all this job switching I made the big choice to move out of the rentals house and itno the big city. I had found "someone" to kind replace S since she was so far away. Befriending S had kind of turned my life into a tail spin a little bit. But it taught me alot about what I truly wanted in life. She had 2 gorgeous boys T and D. I cherished both of those boys with all my heart but for what ever reason D sure struck my heart. He was a gorgeous 18 month old boy when I first met him and I fell in love. That boy had me at hello. I think i was drawn to him because he was soon to be the middle child. You see S was pregnant with a little girl at the time. I am a middle child and I think thats why we bonded on some super natural level. As soon and I moved into the big city S and I were inseperable. I was over at her apartment all the time and we also worked to gether. I cried when she cried, she cried when I cried. She was going through her own drama at the time and I was still trying to become surely independent wityh just having moved out. I went to her appointments for Little M and heard the heart beat and saw ultrasounds. I had never seen this before. I was amazed at that. I was that the hospital only afew hours after Little M was born and even got to hold her precious little body. It was beautiful. S and I went from one job to another together and worked together for about 8 months before things didnt work out for S. We still talked almost ever day and I still took my little man D from time to time. One day though the friendship came to a screeching halt when I did something wrong in her book. I am not oging to get into details in fear that they are reading thign however it was only a friend helping a friend. I still talk to S from time to time but not like it was before. I feel that I am losing D although I have tried to take him from time to time. Hes my man and I miss him. There is again a void in my life where S once filled. In the last year or so I havent found any one that can fill it. Alot of my secrets get held in side and bottled up.

There have been people that have come close to getting the covetteed spot but things have happened or things have been said that pushed them out of the running. I need that one person that I can forever depend on. That is there when I need to get away from my self and that someone who pulls me back to reality. There are still a couple people that are close to getting that spot but I havent let them take that final step to the podium. I guess you could say that I am scared. I dont want to get shit on like I have been. I dont want to feel dissappointment like I did before. I dont want to be rejected. I just want to be loved. Whether its in the friendly kind of love, homie love, or even romantic love. I just want it for ME.

When I first started this blog today I had a different purporse for it. I sitll dont feel like its done but I get to leave work so now it is done. Its alot of rambling but it sure made me feel better. I will write more later.

ndgirl07 signing off for now