For some reason or another the song title and singer are slipping my mind. I love the song and can recite most of the lyrics from heart although some are escaping my brain. Is there more to life than just the temporary highs? Is there a permanent high? Im not talking the high you get from drugs or alcohol but that bliss you feel when something is going right. You wake up happy and you go to bed happy. That kind of high. I may only be 21 years old however I have felt that high a time or two in my life. But only for a few hours or a few days. Never much longer than that. I want to feel it for weeks if not months on end. Now I am not asking for a ride forever on the clouds just something thats shows to me that it life truly is worth the troubles you go through on a day to day basis. it sure hasnt been shown to me yet.
I have just spent that last 4 or 5 hours of work reading various blogs I have fallen upon. Some about the joys of having 1 child or some times up to 5 and there are also the other blogs that I have read about single mothers/women, and familys just trying to have 1. The struggles they all have went through are crazy for me to read on my end but they all seem to find humor in it or somehow find the courage to let it go and let it become something of the past. Why cant I do that with my petty problems. Why cant i find the courage to just lift my head and be thankful that I am here for today and not worry about what happened yesterday or whats going to happen tomorrow. I want to just live for today and see where that takes me. Ask any of my friends if they want to plan something with me in advanced I tell them I dont know. I cant plan. I dotn plan. I hate planning. I dont like to be locked into something that I may not be able to do. I dont like planning at all. Planning to me seems so final. Its almost like its written in stone. Sure you can change your plans but than it throw a kink into other peoples plans and throws everything off kilter.
I like feeling a sense of normalcy. I know how things in my little world are suppose to flow and if something gets off balance it throws my head into a tailspin. This may be some type of disorder but who knows. I know how to make it through the day and that is all that matters. There are so many things in life that I am craving right now yet i dont have the slightest clue as to how to achieve them. Well I guess one of them is kind of obvious but that is beside the point.
Growing up as a child my mom was a stay-at-home mom. It was great having someone there all the time with you and not having to be shoved into day care with 900 other kids. I think it was when i was in grade school when she decided to go back to work. My little sister at the time would have been in kindegarten and back than (only 12 years ago) you had the option of going all day. Since my mom thought it would be best for us that what she did. We attended kindegarten all day long. I loved it. Both my sisters loved it as well. I think it was right around the time when my mom went back to work that I really started distancing myself from everyone around me except my father. I had one best friend all through out grade school until the 6th grade. Stephanie and I did everything together. We would spend the night at each others house and for birthdays we invited each other over. I was happily content with this one friend. and she felt the same. Even than we could have conversations on the phone for hours on end about nothing in particular. She was my best friend and I was hers. I still have the wrapping paper from one of my birthday presents from her. The summer after my 6th grade year I moved away. Not far but far enough to where I had to go to a new school. I was starting junior high and I was terrified. Because we were coming from their rival school. Not something to brag about. But much to my surprise there was again 1 person that seemed to understand. To the public eye we were the oddest best friends. Her family was fairly wealthy and mine however made enough money to pay the bills and not much else. Dont get my wrong we were always provided for but we never had any of that play money. But we were there for each other. Through break ups and make ups we were there. I was her shoulder and she was mine.
We both cried the day I decided that I would go to boarding school 3 hours away my sophomore year in high school. It was my choice and I am glad I did it. Again I left the 1 person I trusted the most. The one person that knew every last secret about me. The one person who didnt care if I wore mis matched socks that day. The one person that didnt care if i was wearing name brands or not. Going to boarding school was a good thing in my life but It was definatlely an adjustment period. it took me a long hell of a time to find that 1 person that I could count on. The one person that I could cry to and could cry back to me. But I found her. She was my best friend and I would have done anything for her. Upon moving back home after my junior year of high school I left her. It broke my h eart. I cried and she cried. Not only was I moving back home but she was moving to Alabama. More than a 3 hour drive for me. I cried for days.
After she had left the big state for sure I retreated inside my shell and didnt bother finding a new person. It wasnt worth it. I always left when things got hard or my parents had to move. It wasnt fair to me and it wasnt fair to them. Grant most of them have moved on but I am still talkign to K. she will forever remain my best friend. But being alot of states away doesnt solve my delima of finding that one person I can go to with any thing.
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