I am usually better about updating this however life has kind of gotten the best of me lately. The past week or so has been spent trying to figure out how I am going to make ends meet. Student loans kick in in the next few months and its going to be super difficult to have the ability to make sure all my bills are paid and that I am able to live. Money stresses me out to no end. It consumes everything about me. I cant go just one day with out thinking about money. Add that to all the stress in my life it makes for many not so good days. I dont know how to just let life be and not try to changes things that cannot be changed. I want to be able to make my dreams come true and have the ablity to be happy. But I just cant. Just when i think things are starting to turn around something else happens in my life to throw it all off balance.
i would finish this entry however i am not in the mood to write things clearly and have them make sense.
ndgirl07 signing off broken hearted
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Reality just barges right on in with out even knocking.
After being away for 2 weeks from all my familiar surroundings I was super stoked to get back. Sure there were people that I had missed while i was gone but I most of all just wanted to sleep in my own bed wiht my thousands of pillows and my blankets. It was the best few hours of sleep that I had gotten in a long time. The first few days were filled with just trying to catch up and making sure everyone knew that I was finally home. After that I fell into the same routine that I had before I had left. While it was comforting to find my mojo again I was hoping that somehow someway that while I was gone things would have changed. But it seemed to me that life just stood at a standstill. My apartment was still disorganized, my dishes still in the dishwasher, my bed still un made and my Christmas tree still up. (Yes the tree is still up and it will be for awhile.) Nothing was out of place. it was all the same that I left it.
A few days ago reality decided to barge right on in and sit right down. No knocking, no asking. Absolutely nothing. This reality came in the form of a letter from the Student Loan Finance Center or something like that. you see I graduated almsot 6 months ago and its time for me to pay back the oh so lovely student loans. I about wet myself when i saw the dollar amount they expected me to pay for the next 15 years of my life. $531 per month. The way it stands right now I am pay check to pay check. Sure I go out every now and than but nothing outrageous. I have no idea hwo I am going to manage to pay that along with my other bills.
I want to succeed in life but it seems that now days its so hard to do. I have so many dreams and aspirations however they seem so out of reach right now. It seems as though for the next few years (like 20 or 30) will will be swimming in debt with no fun time. I understand life isnt all fun and games but should it all really be this hard.
to be continued....
ndgirl signing off as I am leaving soon from work
A few days ago reality decided to barge right on in and sit right down. No knocking, no asking. Absolutely nothing. This reality came in the form of a letter from the Student Loan Finance Center or something like that. you see I graduated almsot 6 months ago and its time for me to pay back the oh so lovely student loans. I about wet myself when i saw the dollar amount they expected me to pay for the next 15 years of my life. $531 per month. The way it stands right now I am pay check to pay check. Sure I go out every now and than but nothing outrageous. I have no idea hwo I am going to manage to pay that along with my other bills.
I want to succeed in life but it seems that now days its so hard to do. I have so many dreams and aspirations however they seem so out of reach right now. It seems as though for the next few years (like 20 or 30) will will be swimming in debt with no fun time. I understand life isnt all fun and games but should it all really be this hard.
to be continued....
ndgirl signing off as I am leaving soon from work
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Home Sweet Home
Well today at 1am I landed in my home town. And let me tell you even though it was -26 outside, I couldnt have been happeir to be here.
I truly enjoyed being in Boston. The city is gorgeous with so much history and so many things to do. It opened my eyes to a different part of the country that I live in. No one in my family has ever been on the East coast so it was nice to get away. It made me realize how valuable my family is to me and that I am truly thankful for.
I have much more to write about the last few days i spent there however I am exhausted. more later
ndgirl07
I truly enjoyed being in Boston. The city is gorgeous with so much history and so many things to do. It opened my eyes to a different part of the country that I live in. No one in my family has ever been on the East coast so it was nice to get away. It made me realize how valuable my family is to me and that I am truly thankful for.
I have much more to write about the last few days i spent there however I am exhausted. more later
ndgirl07
Monday, January 14, 2008
an update from boston of some sort :)
The past few days here in Boston has been fairly good. I went to the local mall in Natick not to far from my hotel. Didnt buy anything but looked at alot of stuff. And yesterday I went all over boston. I went to the Cheers bar and to the ocean. We drove around downtown Boston which waas nice however it was really busy. Crazy if ya ask me. Anywyas the point of this entry is to put something on here that I wrote in my notebook a few days ago. It was due to some certain happenings. so here it goes
How can you love someone so much it hurts? I never thought I would feel so much for one person. This person comsumes my every waking thought. I wonder time and time again if he thinks of me too. I dream of his smile, his smell, his kisses. I long for his touch. I long for the feeling of pure contentement that I felt laying next to him and his arms draped around my body. I feel for this person in every bone of my body. When he calls I just like hearing his voice. Sometimes I dont hear what he is saying I get lost in the sound. I want to hear that every day even if its only for a second. I want him to know how I feel about him and to have him feel the same about me. I want to wake up next to him everyday. I want to have the ability to kiss him in the morning and when I go to bed at night. I want to lay on the couch next to him and just talk until the wee hours of the morning. I want to get in the car with him and just drive until we run out of gas. I want to lay out under the stars curled up in his arms gazing into his beautiful eyes. I want to dance in the rain with him. I want to have snowball fights with him during the winter. I want to spend forever and an eternity with him. I want to laugh with him at the good times and I want to cry with him during the bad times. I want the good, the bad, and everything else with him. I want ot travel the world and capture it all on camera. I want andything and everything that the world is going to throw at me. Most of all I want to go through it all with him.
I wrote this after talking to a certain someone. I love this man and probably always will. Part of me wonders day after day if he feel the same. I have gotten an inclination as to some of his feelings however I am not sure how strong they are. I want these feelings returned because I fear that if they arent my heart will never recover. SOmeone please just answer this question for me. I just want to know. The only person that can logically answer this question is the man himself. I am afraid to know the answer. I am afraid to find out the out come of all this. I just want to know. I see myself lasting with him for along time but I dont know if its a reality or if its just a dream. THey do say that dreams become reality however is this going to be my reality or am i going to be where i started in the first place
How can you love someone so much it hurts? I never thought I would feel so much for one person. This person comsumes my every waking thought. I wonder time and time again if he thinks of me too. I dream of his smile, his smell, his kisses. I long for his touch. I long for the feeling of pure contentement that I felt laying next to him and his arms draped around my body. I feel for this person in every bone of my body. When he calls I just like hearing his voice. Sometimes I dont hear what he is saying I get lost in the sound. I want to hear that every day even if its only for a second. I want him to know how I feel about him and to have him feel the same about me. I want to wake up next to him everyday. I want to have the ability to kiss him in the morning and when I go to bed at night. I want to lay on the couch next to him and just talk until the wee hours of the morning. I want to get in the car with him and just drive until we run out of gas. I want to lay out under the stars curled up in his arms gazing into his beautiful eyes. I want to dance in the rain with him. I want to have snowball fights with him during the winter. I want to spend forever and an eternity with him. I want to laugh with him at the good times and I want to cry with him during the bad times. I want the good, the bad, and everything else with him. I want ot travel the world and capture it all on camera. I want andything and everything that the world is going to throw at me. Most of all I want to go through it all with him.
I wrote this after talking to a certain someone. I love this man and probably always will. Part of me wonders day after day if he feel the same. I have gotten an inclination as to some of his feelings however I am not sure how strong they are. I want these feelings returned because I fear that if they arent my heart will never recover. SOmeone please just answer this question for me. I just want to know. The only person that can logically answer this question is the man himself. I am afraid to know the answer. I am afraid to find out the out come of all this. I just want to know. I see myself lasting with him for along time but I dont know if its a reality or if its just a dream. THey do say that dreams become reality however is this going to be my reality or am i going to be where i started in the first place
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Boston day 2
Today wasnt as great as I thought it was going to be. The fact that I am a ways away from home is catching up with me. I really miss my daddy alot. I am 21 years old yet I still get homesick. Kind of sad if you ask me but I just love my daddy. I am hoping tho that as the days go on it gets a little easier.
Thats it for now...i might write more later
ndgirl07 signing off
Thats it for now...i might write more later
ndgirl07 signing off
Monday, January 7, 2008
Day 1 in BOston
Well I made it to Boston in one piece. The flights were fairly uneventful for the most part. The only problem we had was when we were getting ready to land in Chicago they made us circle for about 40 minutes due to a thunder storm and the airport wasnt allowing any planes to land. Otherwise I made it ok. Woo hoo for me.
I didnt get to see too much of the city although I did catch glimpses from the shuttle ride from the airport. The houses here are absolutely amazing. They have so much history from the outside I could only imagine what they look like on the inside. I caught a glimpse of Fenway park as well. I wanted to take a picture however we were driving on the interstate so it didnt turn out. But oh well. I am hoping that one of the guys at work will be willing to take me around this weekend so i can see a few things. I am too scared to venture out by myself so we will see how that goes.
I will write more tomorrow. I am exhausted since I have been up since 3am.
ndgirl07 signing off
I didnt get to see too much of the city although I did catch glimpses from the shuttle ride from the airport. The houses here are absolutely amazing. They have so much history from the outside I could only imagine what they look like on the inside. I caught a glimpse of Fenway park as well. I wanted to take a picture however we were driving on the interstate so it didnt turn out. But oh well. I am hoping that one of the guys at work will be willing to take me around this weekend so i can see a few things. I am too scared to venture out by myself so we will see how that goes.
I will write more tomorrow. I am exhausted since I have been up since 3am.
ndgirl07 signing off
Thursday, January 3, 2008
A new year....A new something else
With 2008 swinging in the vines it started off a tad bit different than last year did. At this time exactly 1 year ago I was sitting in the emergency room awaiting the results of the many tests that they ran on me. IN approximately 11 hours I would be laying on the operating table passed out as they took out my useless appendix that thought it was time to rupture. Thankfully they were able to remove it prior to it rupturing other wise I may not be here today. I am so hoping that this year goes better than last year did. It was just one thing after another that happened. Some good although most was bad. I could go through every month and list all that went terribly wrong however I choose not to dwell on it. What I went through last year is something that in an odd way I am glad I did. I wouldnt be here where I am now had I not gone through all that stuff.
January will forever be etched in my brain as at the end of the month it will be 3 years since my dear Papa passed away. He was so very sick towards the end but the one thing that he never lost until the last days of his life. I miss him more so this year than ever before. Last September I lost my Granny too. They had been married for nearly 60 years prior to Papas passing. the love those 2 felt for each other was wonderful. If I knew how to put up pictures i would put one of them up here. But I am computer retarded when it comes to such things as that. Its almost surreal that they are both now gone. I dont want to believe it however I know that it is reality. As hard as it was to watch my dad bury his mom and his dad, it was their time to go. THey are now together in heavan living perfectly healthy. And that I am truly thankful for.
People keep asking what type of New Years Resolution I came up with this year but I never really thought about it. Sure I would like to lose weight (doesnt everyone set this one at the beginnning of each year) but I want to truly think about my goal or "resolution" before I pinpoint what exactly it is that I am going to do. There are plenty of things that I will throw on my list but I want to find one that I can truly try my hardest at and make it work. I want to fall in love, I want to find a wonderful job, I want to finally be comfortable in my financial situation, I want travel all over the place. The list could go on and on. Out of what I just listed the thing that I would put towards the top would be to fall in love and the financial stability. But both of which I am not overly passionate about. Money is always oging to be an issue in my life as I dont ever seem to get away from the medical field. I swear I am going to own part of the hospital here in the near future. I am still alive and am thankful for each day that the man upstairs grants me.
I have been thinking alot lately as to what I am supposed ot be doing in my life. I read of all these fabulous stories about men, women, and children doing such great things in life that give them a purpose. I dont know what I am supposed to be doing. I want to do something meaning ful in my life but I dont think working in the travel industry is oging to give me what I am longing for. How does a person realize what their purpose is supposed to be? I have no idea. So if any of you people out there that actually read this know hte answer please fill me in as I would like to know.
More and more lately I have longed to have a baby. Its not exactly possible as in order to conceive a child you need to have a significant other/husband and of course be doing another activitiy that I dont feel the need to go into detail about such activity as we all should have gotten the birds and the bees talks by now. I long for a child to call my own, to love, to laugh with and most of all to teach them what my parents have taught me. My friends that have children I long to be around all the time because I love the innocense of a child. They learn from us and grow from the things that we teach them. I want a child so bad but no one takes me seriously. They say I am too young and that I need to live my life first. But I truly do want a child. Maybe that is my purpose. I have no bloody clue. I have nightmares about not having a child. My dreams would be broken, my life crushed. I know women go through this everyday. Somehow they remain strong and go other directions in their life. Some adopt some even find someone who is willing to be their surrogate. I just want to be a mom. THats all.
This entry and become alot of random stuff so I am just going to stop now
ndgirl07 signing off now
January will forever be etched in my brain as at the end of the month it will be 3 years since my dear Papa passed away. He was so very sick towards the end but the one thing that he never lost until the last days of his life. I miss him more so this year than ever before. Last September I lost my Granny too. They had been married for nearly 60 years prior to Papas passing. the love those 2 felt for each other was wonderful. If I knew how to put up pictures i would put one of them up here. But I am computer retarded when it comes to such things as that. Its almost surreal that they are both now gone. I dont want to believe it however I know that it is reality. As hard as it was to watch my dad bury his mom and his dad, it was their time to go. THey are now together in heavan living perfectly healthy. And that I am truly thankful for.
People keep asking what type of New Years Resolution I came up with this year but I never really thought about it. Sure I would like to lose weight (doesnt everyone set this one at the beginnning of each year) but I want to truly think about my goal or "resolution" before I pinpoint what exactly it is that I am going to do. There are plenty of things that I will throw on my list but I want to find one that I can truly try my hardest at and make it work. I want to fall in love, I want to find a wonderful job, I want to finally be comfortable in my financial situation, I want travel all over the place. The list could go on and on. Out of what I just listed the thing that I would put towards the top would be to fall in love and the financial stability. But both of which I am not overly passionate about. Money is always oging to be an issue in my life as I dont ever seem to get away from the medical field. I swear I am going to own part of the hospital here in the near future. I am still alive and am thankful for each day that the man upstairs grants me.
I have been thinking alot lately as to what I am supposed ot be doing in my life. I read of all these fabulous stories about men, women, and children doing such great things in life that give them a purpose. I dont know what I am supposed to be doing. I want to do something meaning ful in my life but I dont think working in the travel industry is oging to give me what I am longing for. How does a person realize what their purpose is supposed to be? I have no idea. So if any of you people out there that actually read this know hte answer please fill me in as I would like to know.
More and more lately I have longed to have a baby. Its not exactly possible as in order to conceive a child you need to have a significant other/husband and of course be doing another activitiy that I dont feel the need to go into detail about such activity as we all should have gotten the birds and the bees talks by now. I long for a child to call my own, to love, to laugh with and most of all to teach them what my parents have taught me. My friends that have children I long to be around all the time because I love the innocense of a child. They learn from us and grow from the things that we teach them. I want a child so bad but no one takes me seriously. They say I am too young and that I need to live my life first. But I truly do want a child. Maybe that is my purpose. I have no bloody clue. I have nightmares about not having a child. My dreams would be broken, my life crushed. I know women go through this everyday. Somehow they remain strong and go other directions in their life. Some adopt some even find someone who is willing to be their surrogate. I just want to be a mom. THats all.
This entry and become alot of random stuff so I am just going to stop now
ndgirl07 signing off now
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