What do I do now?

Another day has come and gone yet I am no where closer to achieving what I want most in life. Happiness. I slap on a happy face just to make everyone else believe that my life is great. Its anything but great. Someone told me that my life could be soo much worse. I know that. Im not saying I want diamonds and a brand new car in the driveway. I just want to be able to live my life and not worry about what bills I am going to be able to pay with each pay check and what bills have to wait. It shouldnt be that way. But unfortunately it is that way for me. I try and play the deck of cards that I have been dealt but when I havent been given enough card I dont have much to work with. I do what I can but yet it doesnt seem like its enough.

I started my part time job yesterday. Although it was fairly easy work, I dont like the people I work with too much. Most of them are so conceited and rude that its hard to have fun while at work. Thats what the interviewer told me when I first got hired was that their whole goal was to make sure that when someone leaves from their shift that they leave with a smile on their face. Well I sure didnt. After I got home and started to unwind my whole body started hurting. My back hurt, my legs hurt, my arms hurt, my knees hurt. Everything did. I didnt fall asleep until after 1am. And I had to be up for my normal full time job at 630am. I could barely drag my ass out of bed this morning in time to get ready. I cant imagine working until 2am and getting up at 630am. Which I get the pleasure of doing this Wednesday. God I am so not looking forward to.

Working brings up a whole nother stresser in my life. I sat down and figured out how much I make each month and how much all my bills cost me. I dont even break even. My bills out weigh my monthly earnings by almost $100. I dont know what to do to save money. I dont go shopping alot (i do have occasional binges) I can barely sometimes afford groceries and when I am able to pick some up I can only buy the super cheap stuff. I have eaten frozen dinners for at least 2 years now. I am so sick of them. But its all I can afford. I thought being done with school would put my life at a little more ease but it hasnt. I think I am more stressed out now then I ever was when I was in school. The cost of living is going up, gas keeps going up, and groceries keep going up. Do our wages go up? Nope. Not a single penny. I dont understand how those in charge expect people to suceed in life.

I try to keep focused and keep telling myself that as long as I keep pushing through life will turn around for me, I just havent seen any results yet. Its tough to keep going on when you have no good results. Its depressing it really is. I best sign off for now. I am sure there will be more tomorrow.

ndgirl07 signing off for now

Love is in the air

For everyone else it seems. My cousin Darin got engaged last week sometime. And I found out that Friday night my older sister Stacie got engaged. I am super stoked for them because its great they found someone they want to spend the rest of their life with. However I cant help but be jealous. I love my sister to death but now she isnt going to have much time for little old me. I dont even have a damn boyfriend. She is going to be starting a life with Nick and I am goign to be left on the sidelines. It seems to be my lifes motto. I always am on the sidelines for everything.

This weekend hasnt held any spactacular plans. Just slept alot and went home for a few hours. I was supposed to go visit a friend but I have like no money. And even on payday I wont have much left. After rent is paid and some other misc bills I will ahve barely enough for gas. I wish I could find another job that paid me well. Even if i seriously pinch pennies I barely have enough money. Hell for groceries i bought noodles and parmasean cheese cuz i dont have money :(

I start my new job today. I am excited and nervous at once. I wont know anyone except for one person, if he even works tonight. I havent seen him inmonths so he prolly wont even know who i am. Oh well. It will be extra money.

Thats all for now. Im exhausted and am going to take a nap

ndgirl07 signing off

Its Finally friday

I am so super glad the weekend is finally here. I dont have any spectacular plans but its nice to know the work week is done in 5 hours and I get a couple of days of freedom. I plan on going to visit a friend this weekend and also spend time with her parents. They are 2 of the coolest people I know.

I also start my new job on Sunday. I work a 6pm to 11pm shift. So not too bad considering I have to work on Monday at my regular 8am start time. It will be a long monday but its going to be extra money especially since my b-day is coming up and I am going to have a massive party. Its my 21st after all and Ive never had a birthday party in my life. Its going to be a good time. I already have a designated driver lined up so thats covered. The only things left to do is to find a super cute outfit and figure out exactly what I am doing for sure. Its still a month away but its going by fast. I remember I started a countdown on my myspace over a year ago. Now its almost here :) :) :)

I was thinking about taking some time off work during that weekend since my trip is completely canceled now. I dont have the energy to fight with the airlines to get my fee waived since my grand mother passed. Funny I fight for these things for my clients everyday yet I cant seem to fight for myself. Oh well. I guess such is life and I will hopefully be able to plan it for sometime next year. I am going to try and convince my older sister to have a girls weekend in Vegas. Just go somewhere we have never been before and have fun. No boys, no parents. Just us havinga good time. Not sure how that is goign to work considering they bought a house and hopfully will be getting married soon. If she doenst want to come with I may just book a spa weekend for myself and get away for awhile. Some nice long massages would do me good.

well thats it for today

ndgirl07 signing off.

Another day another dollar

I didnt have time to write on here today at work as I seem to be running around with my head cut off. I am working on all these little projects that somedays I dont know which end is up. Its for all the same people but I am struggling to keep it all straight. Different trips here different trips there. I am taking phone calls on top of keeping up with emails. Its a difficult task especially when there were 2 people out sick today.

The days seem to be getting a little bit better although I still am not in the best of moods. I know how happy go lucky that I can be i just cant seem to get there again. Life came crashing down on me all at once and I dont know how to sort through it all. Some days I keep telling myself that eventually I will be back to normal and life will be great, I just dont know how I am goign to get there. I keep my self busy all day at work but the minute I get home I dont have anything that has to get done so I sit here and think and think and think. Its hazordous to ones health I think. Oh well. Im still alive so Ive got to send praise to the man up above for giving me that.

Nothing really super duper exciting to report. Only 1 month till my 21st birthday. Thats all for now

ndgirl07 signing off :)

A new spring in my step

Today has gone quite a bit better than the ending of yesterday. I dont feel as numb. I have joked around a little bit today but still something in me seems off. I cant pin point exactly what it is but its not right. I think its my depression coming around the corner. I have fought it off for so long that I dont want to go back to that place I was at 4 years ago. I am a better person, stronger because of all the stuff Ive been through. But I am human and am not perfect. I have never gotten on any pills for my depression or anxiety. I dont feel the need to use the medications that people become so addicted to when I have been fine for awhile. It may benefit me to see a therapist at least 1 time a month but that costs money. I dont have the extra cash right now so thats out of the question. When I try to talk to my friends to get what I am feeling off my chest, most not all though, just interrupt me and tell me I will be fine. Last night I was just sitting in my apartment and it was like the evil monster was knocking on my door. I fought it off all night but the minute that I laid down in bed I no longer could. I wasnt able to keep busy and keep my mind off things. Some people that read this prolly think that I am crazy. But its what I go through everyday of my life. I dont try to be depressed, its just something that some people suffer with.

I know my life could be worse. Hell I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, food in my cubbord (even if i cant cook) and a few close friends that I can tell anything too, but still I am left wanting sooo much more. My days are now spent sitting at home in my apartment just thinking. I over analyze everything in my life and it scares me sometimes. I look at decisions and choices that Ive made and think of how I could have done them differently. How my life would be different and this causes more problems. It sucks. I dont know what to do.

This is ndgirl07 signing off for now cuz work got busy.

There are no words to describe how I am feeling

I thought going back to work would throw me back into the usual routine that I am oh so familiar with. I was wrong. I went to work today and didnt feel anything. I wasnt happy, sad, mad, glad. I was just there. I didnt feel anything through out the day. I did what I had to do and I was gone. That was it. No jokes, no laughs, or smiles. Just my body there performing the everday tasks that are required of me. I didnt feel the need to go above and beyond today like I normally do.

I feel as though I am numb. I wasnt excited to see the people i hadnt seen in almost a week. I didnt get excited when 4:30 came around and it was time to go. Nothing. I am feeling nothing. I know there is nothing wrong with me, just the grieving process. I want to just lay in my bed all day long and just donothing. THats not possible because there is no way my bills will get paid. And besides I have to shower, shit and shave eventually. No one else will do it for me. I miss my granny terribly. THe thought that both her and Papa are gone is what gets me the most. At least for 2 1/2 years I had Granny to visit and sitll have part of Papa with me. Now I have nothing. Not a single thing. Sure I can visit their grave site but its not the same. I want Granny here so we can take her to the DQ and get her an ice cream. After we would bring her back to the care center she had to tell everyone that would listen that she got to go for ice cream. It was something small but it meant the world to me. She would get so excited. And she always had to show us all the candies she won when she would play bingo. I want her to just be there. She was the one grandma that would be proud of us for finishing something, getting a new job, or just the little things in life. She is gone now and so is part of what I had left of Papa. The memories are what stay with us for ever but even though it hasnt been a week yet I feel those are fading to. I dont want to forget the times she would feed me dinner because I was such a slow eater, I dont want to forget the times she would yell at Papa because he would tell some stupid joke, or she would get mad at him for playing cards or going to the senior citizen center. I dont ever want to forget. But I feel as though I might.

I havent even had the time to figure out what I am going to do with the rest of my life. Sure Ive been out of school for almost a week now it feels as though my life is passing me by and I am just sititng back and watching it go by. I dont want to miss the smallest detail in my life. That I am taking a back seat to everything. I want to find a special someone to spend my spare time with, and eventually make a family with. However instead of spending my spare time with someone special I will be spending it at another job. Its all that I know to do. I wasnt even out of school for a few days before I picked up the second job. I have to keep my time occupied otherwise I get bored with myself and I dont want to go there again. I want to keep myself above water and the only way I know how is to keep busy. Sure there wont be much left for social time but oh well. Life will go on even if I have to work for the next 60 years of my life. Its what I have to do.

Sorry this has been so depressing but its life. We have good days but we also have bad ones too

ndgirl07 signing off

Back to the same routine just missing a few steps

Tomorrow I have to go back to work after being off since Wednesday. I am ready to go back though because I have been holed up in my apartment or going to prayer services or funerals. Its not fun. I need to get out and do sometime. And what better thing to do than to work. Woohoo for me. It will be nice. Being around people that care and I can joke around with. It will be kind of weird though having clients ask how my vacation went when I didnt get to go on it. Oh well.

I thought I had more to write but my brain has shut down.

ndgirl07 signing off

Just another day in my life

I have slept so much lately that I just cant sleep now. I nap during the day and sleep for 8 or so hours at night. I guess I am just catching up for all the sleepless nights that occured while I was in school. Its weird not having to do homework or not show up for class. I am done. I am proud of myself but at the same time I cant bring my self to be excited right now because of the events of the last few days.

Yesterday was the prayer service for my grandma and today was the funeral. They were both very well done. The prayer service was great because they had a time for rembrance. It was nice to see my dad laugh at all the memories that were brought up. Not only of my grandma but also of her and Papa together. This year they would have been married for 62 years. It was just a very peacefull time. The funeral today was good. It was a Catholic Mass so I dont understand most of it. But it was good.

My work sent flowers today which meant alot to me. When my dad said they sent some I started crying. It was such a beautiful arrangement. I loved it. I even got to take it home. So its now sitting on my counter top. The people I work with are amazing. I had so many people tell me that they were thinking of me either via text, email, my space or a phone call. It means alot to know they care.

I think it was yesterday that my dad asked me why I canceled my trip. He said that it was something that I deserved and that I should have gone. I didnt think twice to cancel the tickets. My family meant more to me than a vacation. Its going to be tough this next week explaining to all my clients why I didnt go on vacation but its life. There are going to be more chances for me to go on vacation.

Well thats all for now.

ndgirl07 sigining off till next time

Life Sucks

I dont know how much I will be on the next few days. I got one of the worst calls in my life tonight. My grandma passed away. It wasnt something we expected considering she had been doing soo good. Ive been crying the last 3 hours and now I am just angry. I am supposed to be excited about being done with college and I was planning on going on vacation in a few days. Family is so far more important that i didnt hesitant when I canceled my airplane tickets. Life throws us for loops and this is just another one

To you I pray

One would think that by this time I would be overjoyed. I couldnt sleep at nigh, I was restless and just excited. School is done in 2 days and I also go on vacation in 2 days. Yet I find myself pissed off to no end. There are a few things in life that can trigger my anger and my mom is one of them. She knows what buttons to push and let me tell you some days she pushes them hard. I think sometimes she does it just to see what reaction I give. You see I was blessed to get my dads temper. When I was younger I had a slight problem in controlling it. I didnt lash out too bad but things tend to break when I was around. Over the teenage years I learned how to control it becuase I knew no one wanted an angry person around. A few people in my life can trigger an outburst and I was ready to burst this morning. I am stressed out the way it is however it seems when my mom calls she just adds fuel to the already burning fire. I hate it when people call and wake me up, especially when its not an emergency. I receive a call at 6:30am this morning, mind you I am usually not functioning until 6:45am. Its only 15 minutes I know however its 15 minutes that I need. I thrive for sleep and when its disrupted it makes me mad. My mom decides to call me this morning to let me know that I received a letter from someone credit card company stating that my address had changed. well no shit sherlock. I moved. I thought that would be the end of the convo since I needed to get up and start my dad. nope. I was so very wrong. I have been giving my mom some money out of each pay check to put away in case of an emergency. you never know when somethign is going to break or your not able to pay a bill. Well I wanted a little extra spending money when I go on my trip. So I had asked my mom on Sunday if she could bring some of that money in to me on Tuesday so that way I had it when I leave on wednesday. She was all fine and dandy with it when I asked her so i figured it was no biggie. I asked her this morning if she remembered to bring the money and she said she did. Well then she decides to go off on this little rant about how I really dont need it and I shouldnt be going on this vacation. Im sorry I am finishing college. I deserve a little time away. I have no idea when the next time I will be getting a vacation as next summer I have to start paying back my student loans. This was a present to me that I thought I deserved. I need to get away. I need some time awya from the people who push my buttons on a daily basis.

I dont want this to seem like a huge rant about my mother and how much I despise her becuase I love my mom. I would do absolutely anything for her. But she needs to let go a little bit. I am almost 21 years old yet she still treats me like I am 12. What is she going to do once I find a boyfriend and am not able to answer her call 20 times a day. I dont want to estrange myself from my mom, I just need a little space. A little space isnt too much to ask is it? I know people are going to read this and look bad upon me because I am talking like that about my mom but I feel like I am suffocating from her smothering. Please dont think I hate my mom, cuz I dont. My mom is the greatest person in the world. Jsut with a few flaws. But thats what makes her my mom and I wouldnt ask for anyone differe.

So this I pray to you....please give me the paitence to deal with my mom and please give me the paitence to get throught the next few days with out blowing up. AMEN

this is ndgurl07 signing off for now. There may be another one yet today.

Where do I go from here?

One of my closests friends said to me today at work that people always want what they dont have. I have heard that a time or two before but never really thought twice about it. With college almost completed I realize that I am starting a new phase in my life. In the past few days I have started to reevaluate everything about me. For so long I have been in the same routine of working, school, and homework. I didnt really know anything different so to speak. Now that I dont have to worry about school and homework, I have time to worry about ME. Its something that I've never done before and its kind of scarey. I realized that I do want things that I dont have and that I see everyone else have. I want a boyfriend, more money and more material things. Is that what makes a person? In today's society, that is what makes a person. But I dont want it to make me. I want to be able to pave my own path in life and not take the road that everyone else does. I want to do things no one else has done before me. That takes risks that I am hesitant to take. I want to put my foot out there and test the waters but right now that seems so scarey. It would be nice if someone would make manual on how to get through life with your head above water. Unfortunately for everyone its a different story. No 2 stories are the same and everyone makes different choices.

I know that even though there may be some shitty days ahead I will come through them and have plenty of good days. But I have to do that for myself. No one else is going to do that for me. I should know that by now because I have been on my own for 2 years now yet I still feel like I am learning. Will I ever know enough to make it through? I so hope so. I have to go day by day and work through the problems that arise.

I have always told my friends and even my sister when they have relationship problems that they need to be happy with themselves before they let someone else in their life. Funny how I can give such great advise to my friends yet when it comes to my life, I am leary about taking my own advice. When I call my friends to vent about my latest boy problem they tell me the same thing that I told them before. Yet when I hear it from them it doesnt sound as good as when I said it. I have got to put my foot down and become happy with me. I need to love who I am right now and not try to be someone that I am not. Its something that I have always struggled with especially growing up with a sister that was looked upon as a goddess while in high school. THe only reason people knew who I was, was because I was so and so's sister. I was never known by my first name. At home my parents always compared me to my older sister because she was like the ideal model for a perfect daughter. Not me. I was the one that broke things, instigated fights between the sisters, and did average in school. I never got compliments syaing good job. It was always you can do better. Even now, someone always has something to complain about. I just want to once hear, "Great job" "YOu did it". SOmetimes with my clients at work I hear it after I have booked a complicated reservation or did a group project. It feels great when someone commends you for the work you did. But it doesnt mean as much coming from clients as it does coming from friends and family. I mean seriously. I got my own apartment, my own car, cell phone and hell I am graduating college. SOmething that many people in todays society dont do. Please can someone say Congratulations.

Re-evaluating my life is something that i needed to do a long time ago but chose to avoid it. I kept making excuses and putting it off. Now that one door has closed and more have potentially opened it and opened my own eyes to the opportunites that lie in front of me. As I am writing this blog many things are running through my head. I am thinking ya know even if someone doesnt congratulate me or compliment me on a job well done, i need to be happy for myself that I completed the task. Its me that needs to be happy for me. Not anyone else. Sure they may see the obvious battles I overcome but no one sees or understands the internal battles I have over come. I keep rambling on and on but it feels good to get this off my chest. I will end up reading this blog tomorrow at work and realize that for once I need to take my own advise. For once I need to be happy for me and then one day I can be happy with someone else.

Thats all for now. ndgirl07 signing off.

The excitement is building

I have only 1 more final and 1 more presentation to do and than my college career is finished. At least for now. In the last couple of days I have really been stressed out and overwhelmed due to the fact I am going on vacation on thursday. There was so much to finish before I left. I took one of my final exams last night. Although I didnt do as good as I wanted to, I am still passing the class. There are only a few assignments left to be graded before the final grades are sent in. After I clicked the submit button it was a huge relief off my shoulders. For the first time in a long time I actually became excited about the prospect of being done. I have no idea what life has in store for me in the next few years, but I am ready to jump in head first and try it all out. I want to experience life and I want ot have fun. I dont know what that entails but its going to be an adventure. I have all my tools ready to go. Hope everyone has a great monday. I leave on vacation in 3 days :) I so cannot wait. Thats all for now

Life is changing

I dont have anything profound to say just need to get my feelings off my chest. Life right now is alright. Not anything spectacular however I am content. I am in the final days of my college career. I have only a few assignments and final tests to take and then I am done. I am happy, scared, worried, and stressed out. I know I have accomplished something in my life that is only going to help me out in the end but I dont know what to do next. People continuously ask me what I am going to be when I am done. I dont know an answer to that question. I know that I am no longer college student. I have referred myself as a college student for so long that I dont know what to say I am. A college graduate? Someone with a huge amount of debt? I dont know. I am me. Is that an ok response? I am Theresa Ann. A friend, daughter, sister and i think an over all good person. Some people may disagree but they dont know me. They dont know the type of person I am and quite frankly I dont care. I have the people around me that care and thats all that matters to me. Sure I would like more of a social life but ya know I dont need that. What I need right now is for people to back off a little bit and let me figure out life for myself. I know I am going to make mistakes but how am I supposed to learn if I dont try. I am going to fall sometimes but I am going to brush off the dirt and continue on knowing I learned a lesson. Give me suggestions or advice but please dont tell me what to do. I am an adult and will decide what choice I am going to make.

The thing that I am yearning for most is someone special to come into my life. I am ready for a relationship and ready to begin settling down. I dont want to be married tomorrow I just want to be with that special someone for awhile before the ultimate commitment is made. Marriage is forever in my eyes and I am not going to just settle for anyone. I am sick of the guys who think that dating is just a game. They dont realize that its not and the only thrill they get out of it is getting into someones pants. I just want guys to open their eyes to what is sitting before them. I may not have the money, and fancy things but I am a good person.

It seems like all the truly good guys are taken. It sucks because I see all my friends and even my sisters finding their special someones yet I am sitting on the sidelines waiting for something. ANything. I just want to feel loved.

well thats all for now. I have no idea if anyone is even going to read this but this is my safe place to say what I really feel. I plan to use this to show others out there the life after college and the struggle to find true happiness.