Where do I go from here?

One of my closests friends said to me today at work that people always want what they dont have. I have heard that a time or two before but never really thought twice about it. With college almost completed I realize that I am starting a new phase in my life. In the past few days I have started to reevaluate everything about me. For so long I have been in the same routine of working, school, and homework. I didnt really know anything different so to speak. Now that I dont have to worry about school and homework, I have time to worry about ME. Its something that I've never done before and its kind of scarey. I realized that I do want things that I dont have and that I see everyone else have. I want a boyfriend, more money and more material things. Is that what makes a person? In today's society, that is what makes a person. But I dont want it to make me. I want to be able to pave my own path in life and not take the road that everyone else does. I want to do things no one else has done before me. That takes risks that I am hesitant to take. I want to put my foot out there and test the waters but right now that seems so scarey. It would be nice if someone would make manual on how to get through life with your head above water. Unfortunately for everyone its a different story. No 2 stories are the same and everyone makes different choices.

I know that even though there may be some shitty days ahead I will come through them and have plenty of good days. But I have to do that for myself. No one else is going to do that for me. I should know that by now because I have been on my own for 2 years now yet I still feel like I am learning. Will I ever know enough to make it through? I so hope so. I have to go day by day and work through the problems that arise.

I have always told my friends and even my sister when they have relationship problems that they need to be happy with themselves before they let someone else in their life. Funny how I can give such great advise to my friends yet when it comes to my life, I am leary about taking my own advice. When I call my friends to vent about my latest boy problem they tell me the same thing that I told them before. Yet when I hear it from them it doesnt sound as good as when I said it. I have got to put my foot down and become happy with me. I need to love who I am right now and not try to be someone that I am not. Its something that I have always struggled with especially growing up with a sister that was looked upon as a goddess while in high school. THe only reason people knew who I was, was because I was so and so's sister. I was never known by my first name. At home my parents always compared me to my older sister because she was like the ideal model for a perfect daughter. Not me. I was the one that broke things, instigated fights between the sisters, and did average in school. I never got compliments syaing good job. It was always you can do better. Even now, someone always has something to complain about. I just want to once hear, "Great job" "YOu did it". SOmetimes with my clients at work I hear it after I have booked a complicated reservation or did a group project. It feels great when someone commends you for the work you did. But it doesnt mean as much coming from clients as it does coming from friends and family. I mean seriously. I got my own apartment, my own car, cell phone and hell I am graduating college. SOmething that many people in todays society dont do. Please can someone say Congratulations.

Re-evaluating my life is something that i needed to do a long time ago but chose to avoid it. I kept making excuses and putting it off. Now that one door has closed and more have potentially opened it and opened my own eyes to the opportunites that lie in front of me. As I am writing this blog many things are running through my head. I am thinking ya know even if someone doesnt congratulate me or compliment me on a job well done, i need to be happy for myself that I completed the task. Its me that needs to be happy for me. Not anyone else. Sure they may see the obvious battles I overcome but no one sees or understands the internal battles I have over come. I keep rambling on and on but it feels good to get this off my chest. I will end up reading this blog tomorrow at work and realize that for once I need to take my own advise. For once I need to be happy for me and then one day I can be happy with someone else.

Thats all for now. ndgirl07 signing off.