There are no words to describe how I am feeling

I thought going back to work would throw me back into the usual routine that I am oh so familiar with. I was wrong. I went to work today and didnt feel anything. I wasnt happy, sad, mad, glad. I was just there. I didnt feel anything through out the day. I did what I had to do and I was gone. That was it. No jokes, no laughs, or smiles. Just my body there performing the everday tasks that are required of me. I didnt feel the need to go above and beyond today like I normally do.

I feel as though I am numb. I wasnt excited to see the people i hadnt seen in almost a week. I didnt get excited when 4:30 came around and it was time to go. Nothing. I am feeling nothing. I know there is nothing wrong with me, just the grieving process. I want to just lay in my bed all day long and just donothing. THats not possible because there is no way my bills will get paid. And besides I have to shower, shit and shave eventually. No one else will do it for me. I miss my granny terribly. THe thought that both her and Papa are gone is what gets me the most. At least for 2 1/2 years I had Granny to visit and sitll have part of Papa with me. Now I have nothing. Not a single thing. Sure I can visit their grave site but its not the same. I want Granny here so we can take her to the DQ and get her an ice cream. After we would bring her back to the care center she had to tell everyone that would listen that she got to go for ice cream. It was something small but it meant the world to me. She would get so excited. And she always had to show us all the candies she won when she would play bingo. I want her to just be there. She was the one grandma that would be proud of us for finishing something, getting a new job, or just the little things in life. She is gone now and so is part of what I had left of Papa. The memories are what stay with us for ever but even though it hasnt been a week yet I feel those are fading to. I dont want to forget the times she would feed me dinner because I was such a slow eater, I dont want to forget the times she would yell at Papa because he would tell some stupid joke, or she would get mad at him for playing cards or going to the senior citizen center. I dont ever want to forget. But I feel as though I might.

I havent even had the time to figure out what I am going to do with the rest of my life. Sure Ive been out of school for almost a week now it feels as though my life is passing me by and I am just sititng back and watching it go by. I dont want to miss the smallest detail in my life. That I am taking a back seat to everything. I want to find a special someone to spend my spare time with, and eventually make a family with. However instead of spending my spare time with someone special I will be spending it at another job. Its all that I know to do. I wasnt even out of school for a few days before I picked up the second job. I have to keep my time occupied otherwise I get bored with myself and I dont want to go there again. I want to keep myself above water and the only way I know how is to keep busy. Sure there wont be much left for social time but oh well. Life will go on even if I have to work for the next 60 years of my life. Its what I have to do.

Sorry this has been so depressing but its life. We have good days but we also have bad ones too

ndgirl07 signing off