Today has gone quite a bit better than the ending of yesterday. I dont feel as numb. I have joked around a little bit today but still something in me seems off. I cant pin point exactly what it is but its not right. I think its my depression coming around the corner. I have fought it off for so long that I dont want to go back to that place I was at 4 years ago. I am a better person, stronger because of all the stuff Ive been through. But I am human and am not perfect. I have never gotten on any pills for my depression or anxiety. I dont feel the need to use the medications that people become so addicted to when I have been fine for awhile. It may benefit me to see a therapist at least 1 time a month but that costs money. I dont have the extra cash right now so thats out of the question. When I try to talk to my friends to get what I am feeling off my chest, most not all though, just interrupt me and tell me I will be fine. Last night I was just sitting in my apartment and it was like the evil monster was knocking on my door. I fought it off all night but the minute that I laid down in bed I no longer could. I wasnt able to keep busy and keep my mind off things. Some people that read this prolly think that I am crazy. But its what I go through everyday of my life. I dont try to be depressed, its just something that some people suffer with.
I know my life could be worse. Hell I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, food in my cubbord (even if i cant cook) and a few close friends that I can tell anything too, but still I am left wanting sooo much more. My days are now spent sitting at home in my apartment just thinking. I over analyze everything in my life and it scares me sometimes. I look at decisions and choices that Ive made and think of how I could have done them differently. How my life would be different and this causes more problems. It sucks. I dont know what to do.
This is ndgirl07 signing off for now cuz work got busy.
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