Lots of changes and ramblings

I have been incredibly bad about updating this thing lately. A few changes have happened in my life lately. All good that I can think of. My mind has shut down for the night so I cant think very straight :) First things first.

About 2 weeks ago I got a new job. Its actually using my degree which makes me feel as though all the money spent on college is actually worth it. The pay isnt the greatest but I really truly love my job. I actually look forward to going to work every night which I have never felt about a job before. I am working at a halfway/rehabilitation place. Some people come there as part of their sentence for whatever crime they committed. And let me tell you some of these guys should be in jail. The crimes that they have committed, in my eyes, are beyond heinous. A few of their case files that I have read literally make me sick to my stomach. It truly does make me thankful for how my parents raised me. Some of the residents are truly making an effort to change their lives and than there are those that could care less and dont really care what happens. Many of them I really wish I could just smack them silly and make them realize that if they just shape up their lives than things could get better but they are all adults and need to make their own decisions. Right now I am working the 12am-8am shift and than I still work at the travel agency from 9a-1p. It makes for some long days but I have to pay the bills somehow. Soon I will be pulling even more hours at the travel agency but oh well. I have no one to come home too so its not like I am pushing anyone on the back burner. I dont really have anyone in fargo that I can count on 100% so I am not even avoiding friends or anything. I feel bad though for the people that I know that live out of town because I usually mis their calls but ya gotta do what you gotta do. Hopefully in the next few years I can cut back on my hours at work but for now I will just work and call it good.

Now on to some aimless ramblings. Lately I have been having this continuous dream that seems to keep going on each time I lay down to sleep. Even when I am awake I find myself continuing on the story so to speak. I occasionally have these types of dreams that seem to last for weeks. Most of the time it involves me and someone else. This particular dream is absolutel wonderful that I try to force myself to sleep just so I can find out what happens next. It makes me wonder if I should really follow what is going on in my dream because it involves someone that I currently know. Most of my dreams are so much better that the reality that I live in. I so badly long for so much more in my life but i just dont know how to make it happen. People always tell me that I need to just let things happen and not go out and search for it but I am sick and tired of waiting.

I have oh so much more to write but I am exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open. I will try and write more tomorrow once I wake up.

ndgirl07 signing off :)

Life is not sprinkles and cupcakes.

I have never had a luxurious lifestyle. Growing up in a 1 income family with 5 people things werent always easy but we got by. We had food on the table and clothes on our backs but nothing more. I was never the one to bring snacks into class or have extravagent birthday parties. I havent even had a real birthday party and I am 21. But again we made it by. I was always kind of the odd one out between me and my sisters. I was the one that enjoyed playin in the dirt or going to work with my dad. I was ok with wearing hand me down clothes. I was not the smart kid in school. I wasnt the one that brought home spectacular papers that my parents could brag about. I did what I had to do in order to get by. I was never supported in what I wanted to do growing up. My parents more so my mom found it necessary to support my sisters. They really didnt care what I did but at the same time if I did something wrong I was sure to get punished. I didnt think it was a big deal growing but I feel that now its catching up to me. I need all the support I can get right now because life is changing and I am so super terrified of change.

For the last few months I have been trying to figure out how I am logically going to pay my student loans and still have money to live off of. It still isnt completely figured out and I truly am scared. I want to be able to support myself but I feel I wont be able to with the outrageous amount that they think I am supposed to pay. I had a meeting with a financial planner person that I was hoping would give me the answers that I needed. However the meeting was truly a waste of my time. I paid $25 for the session and all he told me was that my budget was coming up short. Well no shit sherlock. Hence the reason why I was coming in to see him. So absolutely nothing was figured out and I was back to square one.

The only other option that I had at this point was to ask my mom or dad to co sign on a consolidation loan that would extend my repayment period but it would lower the monthly payments and also lower the interest rate. Which would be super beneficial to me. However my mom proceeded to yell at me saying that it was just going to screw up her and my dads life in the event they want to re finance the house or buy a new vehicle. She didnt get the point that right now there are 7 seperate loans showing on their credit report and if I attempt to pay the $531 that they want each month and come up short they are going to put all 7 loans as past due. She doesnt care that potentially I could end up where I have absolutely no money. As long as everyone bows to her every need she is ok. I just tried explaining to her the consolidatiuon would benefit everyone but she wouldnt hear it. She said that if they were to sign for the loan than she would have to pay for Stacies wedding. But its not the sam. I am not asking them to pay for the loans I just need their simple signature. I got really frustrated and ended up hanging up on her. I dont need someone so negative like her in my life. She brings me down each and every day and quite honestly there is only so much one person could take. I havent talked to her since then and its been almost 2 days. Do I care? A lil bit. She needs to realize that I am not going to sit there and just take her degrading everyday. One day she may realize what she has been diong to be is wrong.

I have a possible plan that could help solve my financial woes. Its not fool proof but it could work. I had an interview yesterday for a rehabilitation place here in town and it sounds really promising. They pay your insurance and all that good stuff. And if my plan goes as i want it too, than i woudl still continue to work part time where i am at now. That would bring me right about where I need to be in order to pay everything.

thats it for now

ndgirl07 signing off

Blah....

I couldnt come up with a title for this blog. As of lately alot of things are going through my head. Most times when I start an entry here I am unable to finish as I can never seem to get my thought straight. Even now I will be lucky if I can actually finish it.

There is soo much that I want to say but its hard to put my feelings out there and have them make sense. Every month or so I go back and read all the entries that I put on here and also put in my journal that I keep at home and I hate not knowing what I was trying to say. I dont want to sugar coat anything I put on here but the fear gets the best of me. I am worried that somehow, someway, someone that knows me will find this and than use all that I write here against me. I have tried my darndest to not name names but still. Some stories/situations many people know of from hearing from me or someone else, and its not hard to put two and two together.

Life has been the same ole same ole since I last wrote in here on the 4th. I am still in the same boat as I was than. I have no idea how I am going to pay my student loans and still be able to live. I dont want to live this extravagent life st yle I just want to be able to afford my necessities with out having to take something away. I want to be able to go to the movies with a friend or out for a girls night out. But I usually have to decline or borrow money in order to do that. It sucks it really does. Not many people truly understand being in the situation that I am in. Alot of my friends and family have a significant other that has the ability to support them. Thus they dont experience what I am now.

I havent been able to buy groceries for the last 2 or so months due to money being short. I may be able to pick up a few things today since my check was larger than normal. But I know I still have to be saving for my best friends wedding in July. I just wish there was some type of guide book that would help a young person like me get through life. But I still havent found it. I know it doesnt exist but I just want to know that I am going to be able to get through the next few years of my life.

I have a meeting on Tuesday with some financial planner people to see if they can help me manage all that I am going to have starting in April. I am not holding out too much hope for the meeting because I know I have a lot of debt. But at the same time I hope they can help so that way I can start planning my future. I dont know where I am going to be 5 years from now but it would be nice to start setting some short term goals for myself. I would love one day to own a house of my own but in the situation that I am in now I dont forsee that happening any time soon. Its so hard to make it in this world by yourself and come out on top. I dont want to live the rest of my life in the whole with huge piles of debt and un paid bills. The bills that I have now I know I need to pay its just I dont have the finances to do so.

This summer some time I am getting an apartment with my little sister and her friend so I am hoping that it will make life a tad bit easier. But if nothing is figured out with my student loans than it wont be making life any easier. My car is going to be paid off soon which means a bit more money as well but student loans is goign to be taking that as well. Why do these nut heads think that a 21 year old can support herself and also pay $531/month. Do they not get the fact taht I can do that. Hell thats almost 1 month of rent and 1 month of my car payment. I dont just have all sorts of money laying around. If I knew of a location of a money tree let me tell you what. I would be there faster than you could say shit. But since that isnt a logical solution I continue to hope and pray I make it through each day. I slap on my happy face and lead everyone to believe that life is just all peaches and cream. I know other people have problems in their life so there is no point in telling them mine. They are going to just sit down and write me a check for 40 grand. Its not worth my time and energy to pour my heart out.

This entry hasnt turned out too bad. I am sure I have repeated my self countless times but while I am writing i refuse to go back and check. This allows me to get my feelings out there with out trying tocorrect myself. After all there isnt a way to correct someones feelings. They are just there and happen. Well I guess I should probably get some work done.

ndgirl07 signing off for now. :)

Life sucks

Usually I am someone that even when life isnt going the greatest, I can still find some good in it. I know that my life sucks right now but each day I have been trying to find one good thing that has happened or something like that. However as of lately I seem to be dwelling on all the negative stuff going on. I try to slap on a smiley face and pretend life is wonderful but deep down inside there is something in there that just wants to burst. I am not happy, I am not content, and I feel incredibly overwhelmed by jsut the smallest tasks in life. I feel that all my bills are late. I feel that there is absolutely no way I will be able to pay them.

I am only 21 years old. I am supposed to be going through that stage in life where I am young a stupid. However I feel so old and tired. I never get to go out with my friends. I never just get to have fun. I am always worreid about something. Money, life. all that tends to take its toll on someone. I dont know how much more i can take :(

ndgirl07 signing off

Confusion and frustration

I am usually better about updating this however life has kind of gotten the best of me lately. The past week or so has been spent trying to figure out how I am going to make ends meet. Student loans kick in in the next few months and its going to be super difficult to have the ability to make sure all my bills are paid and that I am able to live. Money stresses me out to no end. It consumes everything about me. I cant go just one day with out thinking about money. Add that to all the stress in my life it makes for many not so good days. I dont know how to just let life be and not try to changes things that cannot be changed. I want to be able to make my dreams come true and have the ablity to be happy. But I just cant. Just when i think things are starting to turn around something else happens in my life to throw it all off balance.

i would finish this entry however i am not in the mood to write things clearly and have them make sense.

ndgirl07 signing off broken hearted

Reality just barges right on in with out even knocking.

After being away for 2 weeks from all my familiar surroundings I was super stoked to get back. Sure there were people that I had missed while i was gone but I most of all just wanted to sleep in my own bed wiht my thousands of pillows and my blankets. It was the best few hours of sleep that I had gotten in a long time. The first few days were filled with just trying to catch up and making sure everyone knew that I was finally home. After that I fell into the same routine that I had before I had left. While it was comforting to find my mojo again I was hoping that somehow someway that while I was gone things would have changed. But it seemed to me that life just stood at a standstill. My apartment was still disorganized, my dishes still in the dishwasher, my bed still un made and my Christmas tree still up. (Yes the tree is still up and it will be for awhile.) Nothing was out of place. it was all the same that I left it.

A few days ago reality decided to barge right on in and sit right down. No knocking, no asking. Absolutely nothing. This reality came in the form of a letter from the Student Loan Finance Center or something like that. you see I graduated almsot 6 months ago and its time for me to pay back the oh so lovely student loans. I about wet myself when i saw the dollar amount they expected me to pay for the next 15 years of my life. $531 per month. The way it stands right now I am pay check to pay check. Sure I go out every now and than but nothing outrageous. I have no idea hwo I am going to manage to pay that along with my other bills.

I want to succeed in life but it seems that now days its so hard to do. I have so many dreams and aspirations however they seem so out of reach right now. It seems as though for the next few years (like 20 or 30) will will be swimming in debt with no fun time. I understand life isnt all fun and games but should it all really be this hard.

to be continued....

ndgirl signing off as I am leaving soon from work

Home Sweet Home

Well today at 1am I landed in my home town. And let me tell you even though it was -26 outside, I couldnt have been happeir to be here.

I truly enjoyed being in Boston. The city is gorgeous with so much history and so many things to do. It opened my eyes to a different part of the country that I live in. No one in my family has ever been on the East coast so it was nice to get away. It made me realize how valuable my family is to me and that I am truly thankful for.

I have much more to write about the last few days i spent there however I am exhausted. more later

ndgirl07

an update from boston of some sort :)

The past few days here in Boston has been fairly good. I went to the local mall in Natick not to far from my hotel. Didnt buy anything but looked at alot of stuff. And yesterday I went all over boston. I went to the Cheers bar and to the ocean. We drove around downtown Boston which waas nice however it was really busy. Crazy if ya ask me. Anywyas the point of this entry is to put something on here that I wrote in my notebook a few days ago. It was due to some certain happenings. so here it goes


How can you love someone so much it hurts? I never thought I would feel so much for one person. This person comsumes my every waking thought. I wonder time and time again if he thinks of me too. I dream of his smile, his smell, his kisses. I long for his touch. I long for the feeling of pure contentement that I felt laying next to him and his arms draped around my body. I feel for this person in every bone of my body. When he calls I just like hearing his voice. Sometimes I dont hear what he is saying I get lost in the sound. I want to hear that every day even if its only for a second. I want him to know how I feel about him and to have him feel the same about me. I want to wake up next to him everyday. I want to have the ability to kiss him in the morning and when I go to bed at night. I want to lay on the couch next to him and just talk until the wee hours of the morning. I want to get in the car with him and just drive until we run out of gas. I want to lay out under the stars curled up in his arms gazing into his beautiful eyes. I want to dance in the rain with him. I want to have snowball fights with him during the winter. I want to spend forever and an eternity with him. I want to laugh with him at the good times and I want to cry with him during the bad times. I want the good, the bad, and everything else with him. I want ot travel the world and capture it all on camera. I want andything and everything that the world is going to throw at me. Most of all I want to go through it all with him.


I wrote this after talking to a certain someone. I love this man and probably always will. Part of me wonders day after day if he feel the same. I have gotten an inclination as to some of his feelings however I am not sure how strong they are. I want these feelings returned because I fear that if they arent my heart will never recover. SOmeone please just answer this question for me. I just want to know. The only person that can logically answer this question is the man himself. I am afraid to know the answer. I am afraid to find out the out come of all this. I just want to know. I see myself lasting with him for along time but I dont know if its a reality or if its just a dream. THey do say that dreams become reality however is this going to be my reality or am i going to be where i started in the first place

Boston day 2

Today wasnt as great as I thought it was going to be. The fact that I am a ways away from home is catching up with me. I really miss my daddy alot. I am 21 years old yet I still get homesick. Kind of sad if you ask me but I just love my daddy. I am hoping tho that as the days go on it gets a little easier.

Thats it for now...i might write more later

ndgirl07 signing off

Day 1 in BOston

Well I made it to Boston in one piece. The flights were fairly uneventful for the most part. The only problem we had was when we were getting ready to land in Chicago they made us circle for about 40 minutes due to a thunder storm and the airport wasnt allowing any planes to land. Otherwise I made it ok. Woo hoo for me.

I didnt get to see too much of the city although I did catch glimpses from the shuttle ride from the airport. The houses here are absolutely amazing. They have so much history from the outside I could only imagine what they look like on the inside. I caught a glimpse of Fenway park as well. I wanted to take a picture however we were driving on the interstate so it didnt turn out. But oh well. I am hoping that one of the guys at work will be willing to take me around this weekend so i can see a few things. I am too scared to venture out by myself so we will see how that goes.

I will write more tomorrow. I am exhausted since I have been up since 3am.

ndgirl07 signing off

A new year....A new something else

With 2008 swinging in the vines it started off a tad bit different than last year did. At this time exactly 1 year ago I was sitting in the emergency room awaiting the results of the many tests that they ran on me. IN approximately 11 hours I would be laying on the operating table passed out as they took out my useless appendix that thought it was time to rupture. Thankfully they were able to remove it prior to it rupturing other wise I may not be here today. I am so hoping that this year goes better than last year did. It was just one thing after another that happened. Some good although most was bad. I could go through every month and list all that went terribly wrong however I choose not to dwell on it. What I went through last year is something that in an odd way I am glad I did. I wouldnt be here where I am now had I not gone through all that stuff.

January will forever be etched in my brain as at the end of the month it will be 3 years since my dear Papa passed away. He was so very sick towards the end but the one thing that he never lost until the last days of his life. I miss him more so this year than ever before. Last September I lost my Granny too. They had been married for nearly 60 years prior to Papas passing. the love those 2 felt for each other was wonderful. If I knew how to put up pictures i would put one of them up here. But I am computer retarded when it comes to such things as that. Its almost surreal that they are both now gone. I dont want to believe it however I know that it is reality. As hard as it was to watch my dad bury his mom and his dad, it was their time to go. THey are now together in heavan living perfectly healthy. And that I am truly thankful for.

People keep asking what type of New Years Resolution I came up with this year but I never really thought about it. Sure I would like to lose weight (doesnt everyone set this one at the beginnning of each year) but I want to truly think about my goal or "resolution" before I pinpoint what exactly it is that I am going to do. There are plenty of things that I will throw on my list but I want to find one that I can truly try my hardest at and make it work. I want to fall in love, I want to find a wonderful job, I want to finally be comfortable in my financial situation, I want travel all over the place. The list could go on and on. Out of what I just listed the thing that I would put towards the top would be to fall in love and the financial stability. But both of which I am not overly passionate about. Money is always oging to be an issue in my life as I dont ever seem to get away from the medical field. I swear I am going to own part of the hospital here in the near future. I am still alive and am thankful for each day that the man upstairs grants me.

I have been thinking alot lately as to what I am supposed ot be doing in my life. I read of all these fabulous stories about men, women, and children doing such great things in life that give them a purpose. I dont know what I am supposed to be doing. I want to do something meaning ful in my life but I dont think working in the travel industry is oging to give me what I am longing for. How does a person realize what their purpose is supposed to be? I have no idea. So if any of you people out there that actually read this know hte answer please fill me in as I would like to know.

More and more lately I have longed to have a baby. Its not exactly possible as in order to conceive a child you need to have a significant other/husband and of course be doing another activitiy that I dont feel the need to go into detail about such activity as we all should have gotten the birds and the bees talks by now. I long for a child to call my own, to love, to laugh with and most of all to teach them what my parents have taught me. My friends that have children I long to be around all the time because I love the innocense of a child. They learn from us and grow from the things that we teach them. I want a child so bad but no one takes me seriously. They say I am too young and that I need to live my life first. But I truly do want a child. Maybe that is my purpose. I have no bloody clue. I have nightmares about not having a child. My dreams would be broken, my life crushed. I know women go through this everyday. Somehow they remain strong and go other directions in their life. Some adopt some even find someone who is willing to be their surrogate. I just want to be a mom. THats all.

This entry and become alot of random stuff so I am just going to stop now

ndgirl07 signing off now