Lots of changes and ramblings

I have been incredibly bad about updating this thing lately. A few changes have happened in my life lately. All good that I can think of. My mind has shut down for the night so I cant think very straight :) First things first.

About 2 weeks ago I got a new job. Its actually using my degree which makes me feel as though all the money spent on college is actually worth it. The pay isnt the greatest but I really truly love my job. I actually look forward to going to work every night which I have never felt about a job before. I am working at a halfway/rehabilitation place. Some people come there as part of their sentence for whatever crime they committed. And let me tell you some of these guys should be in jail. The crimes that they have committed, in my eyes, are beyond heinous. A few of their case files that I have read literally make me sick to my stomach. It truly does make me thankful for how my parents raised me. Some of the residents are truly making an effort to change their lives and than there are those that could care less and dont really care what happens. Many of them I really wish I could just smack them silly and make them realize that if they just shape up their lives than things could get better but they are all adults and need to make their own decisions. Right now I am working the 12am-8am shift and than I still work at the travel agency from 9a-1p. It makes for some long days but I have to pay the bills somehow. Soon I will be pulling even more hours at the travel agency but oh well. I have no one to come home too so its not like I am pushing anyone on the back burner. I dont really have anyone in fargo that I can count on 100% so I am not even avoiding friends or anything. I feel bad though for the people that I know that live out of town because I usually mis their calls but ya gotta do what you gotta do. Hopefully in the next few years I can cut back on my hours at work but for now I will just work and call it good.

Now on to some aimless ramblings. Lately I have been having this continuous dream that seems to keep going on each time I lay down to sleep. Even when I am awake I find myself continuing on the story so to speak. I occasionally have these types of dreams that seem to last for weeks. Most of the time it involves me and someone else. This particular dream is absolutel wonderful that I try to force myself to sleep just so I can find out what happens next. It makes me wonder if I should really follow what is going on in my dream because it involves someone that I currently know. Most of my dreams are so much better that the reality that I live in. I so badly long for so much more in my life but i just dont know how to make it happen. People always tell me that I need to just let things happen and not go out and search for it but I am sick and tired of waiting.

I have oh so much more to write but I am exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open. I will try and write more tomorrow once I wake up.

ndgirl07 signing off :)

Life is not sprinkles and cupcakes.

I have never had a luxurious lifestyle. Growing up in a 1 income family with 5 people things werent always easy but we got by. We had food on the table and clothes on our backs but nothing more. I was never the one to bring snacks into class or have extravagent birthday parties. I havent even had a real birthday party and I am 21. But again we made it by. I was always kind of the odd one out between me and my sisters. I was the one that enjoyed playin in the dirt or going to work with my dad. I was ok with wearing hand me down clothes. I was not the smart kid in school. I wasnt the one that brought home spectacular papers that my parents could brag about. I did what I had to do in order to get by. I was never supported in what I wanted to do growing up. My parents more so my mom found it necessary to support my sisters. They really didnt care what I did but at the same time if I did something wrong I was sure to get punished. I didnt think it was a big deal growing but I feel that now its catching up to me. I need all the support I can get right now because life is changing and I am so super terrified of change.

For the last few months I have been trying to figure out how I am logically going to pay my student loans and still have money to live off of. It still isnt completely figured out and I truly am scared. I want to be able to support myself but I feel I wont be able to with the outrageous amount that they think I am supposed to pay. I had a meeting with a financial planner person that I was hoping would give me the answers that I needed. However the meeting was truly a waste of my time. I paid $25 for the session and all he told me was that my budget was coming up short. Well no shit sherlock. Hence the reason why I was coming in to see him. So absolutely nothing was figured out and I was back to square one.

The only other option that I had at this point was to ask my mom or dad to co sign on a consolidation loan that would extend my repayment period but it would lower the monthly payments and also lower the interest rate. Which would be super beneficial to me. However my mom proceeded to yell at me saying that it was just going to screw up her and my dads life in the event they want to re finance the house or buy a new vehicle. She didnt get the point that right now there are 7 seperate loans showing on their credit report and if I attempt to pay the $531 that they want each month and come up short they are going to put all 7 loans as past due. She doesnt care that potentially I could end up where I have absolutely no money. As long as everyone bows to her every need she is ok. I just tried explaining to her the consolidatiuon would benefit everyone but she wouldnt hear it. She said that if they were to sign for the loan than she would have to pay for Stacies wedding. But its not the sam. I am not asking them to pay for the loans I just need their simple signature. I got really frustrated and ended up hanging up on her. I dont need someone so negative like her in my life. She brings me down each and every day and quite honestly there is only so much one person could take. I havent talked to her since then and its been almost 2 days. Do I care? A lil bit. She needs to realize that I am not going to sit there and just take her degrading everyday. One day she may realize what she has been diong to be is wrong.

I have a possible plan that could help solve my financial woes. Its not fool proof but it could work. I had an interview yesterday for a rehabilitation place here in town and it sounds really promising. They pay your insurance and all that good stuff. And if my plan goes as i want it too, than i woudl still continue to work part time where i am at now. That would bring me right about where I need to be in order to pay everything.

thats it for now

ndgirl07 signing off

Blah....

I couldnt come up with a title for this blog. As of lately alot of things are going through my head. Most times when I start an entry here I am unable to finish as I can never seem to get my thought straight. Even now I will be lucky if I can actually finish it.

There is soo much that I want to say but its hard to put my feelings out there and have them make sense. Every month or so I go back and read all the entries that I put on here and also put in my journal that I keep at home and I hate not knowing what I was trying to say. I dont want to sugar coat anything I put on here but the fear gets the best of me. I am worried that somehow, someway, someone that knows me will find this and than use all that I write here against me. I have tried my darndest to not name names but still. Some stories/situations many people know of from hearing from me or someone else, and its not hard to put two and two together.

Life has been the same ole same ole since I last wrote in here on the 4th. I am still in the same boat as I was than. I have no idea how I am going to pay my student loans and still be able to live. I dont want to live this extravagent life st yle I just want to be able to afford my necessities with out having to take something away. I want to be able to go to the movies with a friend or out for a girls night out. But I usually have to decline or borrow money in order to do that. It sucks it really does. Not many people truly understand being in the situation that I am in. Alot of my friends and family have a significant other that has the ability to support them. Thus they dont experience what I am now.

I havent been able to buy groceries for the last 2 or so months due to money being short. I may be able to pick up a few things today since my check was larger than normal. But I know I still have to be saving for my best friends wedding in July. I just wish there was some type of guide book that would help a young person like me get through life. But I still havent found it. I know it doesnt exist but I just want to know that I am going to be able to get through the next few years of my life.

I have a meeting on Tuesday with some financial planner people to see if they can help me manage all that I am going to have starting in April. I am not holding out too much hope for the meeting because I know I have a lot of debt. But at the same time I hope they can help so that way I can start planning my future. I dont know where I am going to be 5 years from now but it would be nice to start setting some short term goals for myself. I would love one day to own a house of my own but in the situation that I am in now I dont forsee that happening any time soon. Its so hard to make it in this world by yourself and come out on top. I dont want to live the rest of my life in the whole with huge piles of debt and un paid bills. The bills that I have now I know I need to pay its just I dont have the finances to do so.

This summer some time I am getting an apartment with my little sister and her friend so I am hoping that it will make life a tad bit easier. But if nothing is figured out with my student loans than it wont be making life any easier. My car is going to be paid off soon which means a bit more money as well but student loans is goign to be taking that as well. Why do these nut heads think that a 21 year old can support herself and also pay $531/month. Do they not get the fact taht I can do that. Hell thats almost 1 month of rent and 1 month of my car payment. I dont just have all sorts of money laying around. If I knew of a location of a money tree let me tell you what. I would be there faster than you could say shit. But since that isnt a logical solution I continue to hope and pray I make it through each day. I slap on my happy face and lead everyone to believe that life is just all peaches and cream. I know other people have problems in their life so there is no point in telling them mine. They are going to just sit down and write me a check for 40 grand. Its not worth my time and energy to pour my heart out.

This entry hasnt turned out too bad. I am sure I have repeated my self countless times but while I am writing i refuse to go back and check. This allows me to get my feelings out there with out trying tocorrect myself. After all there isnt a way to correct someones feelings. They are just there and happen. Well I guess I should probably get some work done.

ndgirl07 signing off for now. :)

Life sucks

Usually I am someone that even when life isnt going the greatest, I can still find some good in it. I know that my life sucks right now but each day I have been trying to find one good thing that has happened or something like that. However as of lately I seem to be dwelling on all the negative stuff going on. I try to slap on a smiley face and pretend life is wonderful but deep down inside there is something in there that just wants to burst. I am not happy, I am not content, and I feel incredibly overwhelmed by jsut the smallest tasks in life. I feel that all my bills are late. I feel that there is absolutely no way I will be able to pay them.

I am only 21 years old. I am supposed to be going through that stage in life where I am young a stupid. However I feel so old and tired. I never get to go out with my friends. I never just get to have fun. I am always worreid about something. Money, life. all that tends to take its toll on someone. I dont know how much more i can take :(

ndgirl07 signing off

Confusion and frustration

I am usually better about updating this however life has kind of gotten the best of me lately. The past week or so has been spent trying to figure out how I am going to make ends meet. Student loans kick in in the next few months and its going to be super difficult to have the ability to make sure all my bills are paid and that I am able to live. Money stresses me out to no end. It consumes everything about me. I cant go just one day with out thinking about money. Add that to all the stress in my life it makes for many not so good days. I dont know how to just let life be and not try to changes things that cannot be changed. I want to be able to make my dreams come true and have the ablity to be happy. But I just cant. Just when i think things are starting to turn around something else happens in my life to throw it all off balance.

i would finish this entry however i am not in the mood to write things clearly and have them make sense.

ndgirl07 signing off broken hearted

Reality just barges right on in with out even knocking.

After being away for 2 weeks from all my familiar surroundings I was super stoked to get back. Sure there were people that I had missed while i was gone but I most of all just wanted to sleep in my own bed wiht my thousands of pillows and my blankets. It was the best few hours of sleep that I had gotten in a long time. The first few days were filled with just trying to catch up and making sure everyone knew that I was finally home. After that I fell into the same routine that I had before I had left. While it was comforting to find my mojo again I was hoping that somehow someway that while I was gone things would have changed. But it seemed to me that life just stood at a standstill. My apartment was still disorganized, my dishes still in the dishwasher, my bed still un made and my Christmas tree still up. (Yes the tree is still up and it will be for awhile.) Nothing was out of place. it was all the same that I left it.

A few days ago reality decided to barge right on in and sit right down. No knocking, no asking. Absolutely nothing. This reality came in the form of a letter from the Student Loan Finance Center or something like that. you see I graduated almsot 6 months ago and its time for me to pay back the oh so lovely student loans. I about wet myself when i saw the dollar amount they expected me to pay for the next 15 years of my life. $531 per month. The way it stands right now I am pay check to pay check. Sure I go out every now and than but nothing outrageous. I have no idea hwo I am going to manage to pay that along with my other bills.

I want to succeed in life but it seems that now days its so hard to do. I have so many dreams and aspirations however they seem so out of reach right now. It seems as though for the next few years (like 20 or 30) will will be swimming in debt with no fun time. I understand life isnt all fun and games but should it all really be this hard.

to be continued....

ndgirl signing off as I am leaving soon from work

Home Sweet Home

Well today at 1am I landed in my home town. And let me tell you even though it was -26 outside, I couldnt have been happeir to be here.

I truly enjoyed being in Boston. The city is gorgeous with so much history and so many things to do. It opened my eyes to a different part of the country that I live in. No one in my family has ever been on the East coast so it was nice to get away. It made me realize how valuable my family is to me and that I am truly thankful for.

I have much more to write about the last few days i spent there however I am exhausted. more later

ndgirl07

an update from boston of some sort :)

The past few days here in Boston has been fairly good. I went to the local mall in Natick not to far from my hotel. Didnt buy anything but looked at alot of stuff. And yesterday I went all over boston. I went to the Cheers bar and to the ocean. We drove around downtown Boston which waas nice however it was really busy. Crazy if ya ask me. Anywyas the point of this entry is to put something on here that I wrote in my notebook a few days ago. It was due to some certain happenings. so here it goes


How can you love someone so much it hurts? I never thought I would feel so much for one person. This person comsumes my every waking thought. I wonder time and time again if he thinks of me too. I dream of his smile, his smell, his kisses. I long for his touch. I long for the feeling of pure contentement that I felt laying next to him and his arms draped around my body. I feel for this person in every bone of my body. When he calls I just like hearing his voice. Sometimes I dont hear what he is saying I get lost in the sound. I want to hear that every day even if its only for a second. I want him to know how I feel about him and to have him feel the same about me. I want to wake up next to him everyday. I want to have the ability to kiss him in the morning and when I go to bed at night. I want to lay on the couch next to him and just talk until the wee hours of the morning. I want to get in the car with him and just drive until we run out of gas. I want to lay out under the stars curled up in his arms gazing into his beautiful eyes. I want to dance in the rain with him. I want to have snowball fights with him during the winter. I want to spend forever and an eternity with him. I want to laugh with him at the good times and I want to cry with him during the bad times. I want the good, the bad, and everything else with him. I want ot travel the world and capture it all on camera. I want andything and everything that the world is going to throw at me. Most of all I want to go through it all with him.


I wrote this after talking to a certain someone. I love this man and probably always will. Part of me wonders day after day if he feel the same. I have gotten an inclination as to some of his feelings however I am not sure how strong they are. I want these feelings returned because I fear that if they arent my heart will never recover. SOmeone please just answer this question for me. I just want to know. The only person that can logically answer this question is the man himself. I am afraid to know the answer. I am afraid to find out the out come of all this. I just want to know. I see myself lasting with him for along time but I dont know if its a reality or if its just a dream. THey do say that dreams become reality however is this going to be my reality or am i going to be where i started in the first place

Boston day 2

Today wasnt as great as I thought it was going to be. The fact that I am a ways away from home is catching up with me. I really miss my daddy alot. I am 21 years old yet I still get homesick. Kind of sad if you ask me but I just love my daddy. I am hoping tho that as the days go on it gets a little easier.

Thats it for now...i might write more later

ndgirl07 signing off

Day 1 in BOston

Well I made it to Boston in one piece. The flights were fairly uneventful for the most part. The only problem we had was when we were getting ready to land in Chicago they made us circle for about 40 minutes due to a thunder storm and the airport wasnt allowing any planes to land. Otherwise I made it ok. Woo hoo for me.

I didnt get to see too much of the city although I did catch glimpses from the shuttle ride from the airport. The houses here are absolutely amazing. They have so much history from the outside I could only imagine what they look like on the inside. I caught a glimpse of Fenway park as well. I wanted to take a picture however we were driving on the interstate so it didnt turn out. But oh well. I am hoping that one of the guys at work will be willing to take me around this weekend so i can see a few things. I am too scared to venture out by myself so we will see how that goes.

I will write more tomorrow. I am exhausted since I have been up since 3am.

ndgirl07 signing off

A new year....A new something else

With 2008 swinging in the vines it started off a tad bit different than last year did. At this time exactly 1 year ago I was sitting in the emergency room awaiting the results of the many tests that they ran on me. IN approximately 11 hours I would be laying on the operating table passed out as they took out my useless appendix that thought it was time to rupture. Thankfully they were able to remove it prior to it rupturing other wise I may not be here today. I am so hoping that this year goes better than last year did. It was just one thing after another that happened. Some good although most was bad. I could go through every month and list all that went terribly wrong however I choose not to dwell on it. What I went through last year is something that in an odd way I am glad I did. I wouldnt be here where I am now had I not gone through all that stuff.

January will forever be etched in my brain as at the end of the month it will be 3 years since my dear Papa passed away. He was so very sick towards the end but the one thing that he never lost until the last days of his life. I miss him more so this year than ever before. Last September I lost my Granny too. They had been married for nearly 60 years prior to Papas passing. the love those 2 felt for each other was wonderful. If I knew how to put up pictures i would put one of them up here. But I am computer retarded when it comes to such things as that. Its almost surreal that they are both now gone. I dont want to believe it however I know that it is reality. As hard as it was to watch my dad bury his mom and his dad, it was their time to go. THey are now together in heavan living perfectly healthy. And that I am truly thankful for.

People keep asking what type of New Years Resolution I came up with this year but I never really thought about it. Sure I would like to lose weight (doesnt everyone set this one at the beginnning of each year) but I want to truly think about my goal or "resolution" before I pinpoint what exactly it is that I am going to do. There are plenty of things that I will throw on my list but I want to find one that I can truly try my hardest at and make it work. I want to fall in love, I want to find a wonderful job, I want to finally be comfortable in my financial situation, I want travel all over the place. The list could go on and on. Out of what I just listed the thing that I would put towards the top would be to fall in love and the financial stability. But both of which I am not overly passionate about. Money is always oging to be an issue in my life as I dont ever seem to get away from the medical field. I swear I am going to own part of the hospital here in the near future. I am still alive and am thankful for each day that the man upstairs grants me.

I have been thinking alot lately as to what I am supposed ot be doing in my life. I read of all these fabulous stories about men, women, and children doing such great things in life that give them a purpose. I dont know what I am supposed to be doing. I want to do something meaning ful in my life but I dont think working in the travel industry is oging to give me what I am longing for. How does a person realize what their purpose is supposed to be? I have no idea. So if any of you people out there that actually read this know hte answer please fill me in as I would like to know.

More and more lately I have longed to have a baby. Its not exactly possible as in order to conceive a child you need to have a significant other/husband and of course be doing another activitiy that I dont feel the need to go into detail about such activity as we all should have gotten the birds and the bees talks by now. I long for a child to call my own, to love, to laugh with and most of all to teach them what my parents have taught me. My friends that have children I long to be around all the time because I love the innocense of a child. They learn from us and grow from the things that we teach them. I want a child so bad but no one takes me seriously. They say I am too young and that I need to live my life first. But I truly do want a child. Maybe that is my purpose. I have no bloody clue. I have nightmares about not having a child. My dreams would be broken, my life crushed. I know women go through this everyday. Somehow they remain strong and go other directions in their life. Some adopt some even find someone who is willing to be their surrogate. I just want to be a mom. THats all.

This entry and become alot of random stuff so I am just going to stop now

ndgirl07 signing off now

Its almost the new year :)

With only a matter of hours before 2008 brings its arrival a few things have changed in my little life. Nothing tooo major but things I feel the need to write about.

Friday night I was scheduled to work at my part time job. I couldnt sleep so I just watched my regular TV shows until I was supposed to leave. They had us at the store before it even closed and that irked me alot. But oh well. I was there to do my job so I did it. Even though it was quite frustrating as the customers are trying to shop and we are trying to fold I sure did the best that I could. I had printed off my schedule off when I got there since I am leaving for Boston in a week I wanted to see what days I could possibly find enough time to get all my stuff done. They had me scheduled for every day during the week prior to my leaving. That was the last straw on the camels back. It was extremely busy so I didnt want to approach my manager because there were just too many people around. Upon the store closing I tracked her down and told her that I was quitting. She asked if i woudl stay the rest of my two weeks. I said no. She asked if I would finish the rest of the night. I said no again. She then proceeded to say that if I was truly going to quit the way that I did than I would never be able to work there again. Do I give a flying fuck. Absolutely not. It was a mistake for me to even get a job at that place. They treat you like dirt and the pay is shit if you ask me.

After I had punched out she said that she wanted to talk about the reasons why I was quitting. So I laid it all out there. Shes rude, the scheduling is bad and the way they run the place sucks ass. Natuarally she was just going "by store policy" so I didnt really get much out of the conversation. But oh well. Its over and done with right now so there is no going back. money is going to be tight for a long time but I will make it do. I have done it before and I will do it again.

Last night I got to take my Litte man. Even though I only spent an hour with him I absolutely loved it. He is the cutest little 3 year old that I know. If I could i would take him with me and run away for ever.

Its New Years Eve tonight and I am not sure what I am going to do but I will most likely end up at the bars. Its the cool thing to do ya know. :)

Thats all for now.

ndgirl07 signing off for now

Part 2

Not want to drag on too long in one post i decided to break it up. Not like it matters but oh well.
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Once I got settled at home again I found a job, make that 2 and began my senior year studies via the mail. I didnt want to go back to school for fear of teasing since i went to a religious school. I was content. I went to work across the street in the morning and at night i went to work just a few blocks away. On nights/days off I did my home work or took tests. It was my happy little world that i lived in and I liked it. Upon finishing my senior year I continued to work for awhile in my home town. Once I was given the ok to use my grandpas car (he had passed away and my dad got it) I ventured into the big city (ok so not that big) to find something better paying. It was better paying but for the shit I had to go through on a day to day basis as a debt collector it wasnt worht it. So i foudn something new after a few months. All the while mind you I was going to college. I started working for a leisure travel agency. It was ok until they decided to be bitches about my school schedule. So I pretty much said fuck you and found a job as a corporate travel agent (much less stressful), where I have been for the past 1 1/2 years.

In between all this job switching I made the big choice to move out of the rentals house and itno the big city. I had found "someone" to kind replace S since she was so far away. Befriending S had kind of turned my life into a tail spin a little bit. But it taught me alot about what I truly wanted in life. She had 2 gorgeous boys T and D. I cherished both of those boys with all my heart but for what ever reason D sure struck my heart. He was a gorgeous 18 month old boy when I first met him and I fell in love. That boy had me at hello. I think i was drawn to him because he was soon to be the middle child. You see S was pregnant with a little girl at the time. I am a middle child and I think thats why we bonded on some super natural level. As soon and I moved into the big city S and I were inseperable. I was over at her apartment all the time and we also worked to gether. I cried when she cried, she cried when I cried. She was going through her own drama at the time and I was still trying to become surely independent wityh just having moved out. I went to her appointments for Little M and heard the heart beat and saw ultrasounds. I had never seen this before. I was amazed at that. I was that the hospital only afew hours after Little M was born and even got to hold her precious little body. It was beautiful. S and I went from one job to another together and worked together for about 8 months before things didnt work out for S. We still talked almost ever day and I still took my little man D from time to time. One day though the friendship came to a screeching halt when I did something wrong in her book. I am not oging to get into details in fear that they are reading thign however it was only a friend helping a friend. I still talk to S from time to time but not like it was before. I feel that I am losing D although I have tried to take him from time to time. Hes my man and I miss him. There is again a void in my life where S once filled. In the last year or so I havent found any one that can fill it. Alot of my secrets get held in side and bottled up.

There have been people that have come close to getting the covetteed spot but things have happened or things have been said that pushed them out of the running. I need that one person that I can forever depend on. That is there when I need to get away from my self and that someone who pulls me back to reality. There are still a couple people that are close to getting that spot but I havent let them take that final step to the podium. I guess you could say that I am scared. I dont want to get shit on like I have been. I dont want to feel dissappointment like I did before. I dont want to be rejected. I just want to be loved. Whether its in the friendly kind of love, homie love, or even romantic love. I just want it for ME.

When I first started this blog today I had a different purporse for it. I sitll dont feel like its done but I get to leave work so now it is done. Its alot of rambling but it sure made me feel better. I will write more later.

ndgirl07 signing off for now

There's got to be more to life than chasing down every temporary high...Part 1

For some reason or another the song title and singer are slipping my mind. I love the song and can recite most of the lyrics from heart although some are escaping my brain. Is there more to life than just the temporary highs? Is there a permanent high? Im not talking the high you get from drugs or alcohol but that bliss you feel when something is going right. You wake up happy and you go to bed happy. That kind of high. I may only be 21 years old however I have felt that high a time or two in my life. But only for a few hours or a few days. Never much longer than that. I want to feel it for weeks if not months on end. Now I am not asking for a ride forever on the clouds just something thats shows to me that it life truly is worth the troubles you go through on a day to day basis. it sure hasnt been shown to me yet.

I have just spent that last 4 or 5 hours of work reading various blogs I have fallen upon. Some about the joys of having 1 child or some times up to 5 and there are also the other blogs that I have read about single mothers/women, and familys just trying to have 1. The struggles they all have went through are crazy for me to read on my end but they all seem to find humor in it or somehow find the courage to let it go and let it become something of the past. Why cant I do that with my petty problems. Why cant i find the courage to just lift my head and be thankful that I am here for today and not worry about what happened yesterday or whats going to happen tomorrow. I want to just live for today and see where that takes me. Ask any of my friends if they want to plan something with me in advanced I tell them I dont know. I cant plan. I dotn plan. I hate planning. I dont like to be locked into something that I may not be able to do. I dont like planning at all. Planning to me seems so final. Its almost like its written in stone. Sure you can change your plans but than it throw a kink into other peoples plans and throws everything off kilter.

I like feeling a sense of normalcy. I know how things in my little world are suppose to flow and if something gets off balance it throws my head into a tailspin. This may be some type of disorder but who knows. I know how to make it through the day and that is all that matters. There are so many things in life that I am craving right now yet i dont have the slightest clue as to how to achieve them. Well I guess one of them is kind of obvious but that is beside the point.

Growing up as a child my mom was a stay-at-home mom. It was great having someone there all the time with you and not having to be shoved into day care with 900 other kids. I think it was when i was in grade school when she decided to go back to work. My little sister at the time would have been in kindegarten and back than (only 12 years ago) you had the option of going all day. Since my mom thought it would be best for us that what she did. We attended kindegarten all day long. I loved it. Both my sisters loved it as well. I think it was right around the time when my mom went back to work that I really started distancing myself from everyone around me except my father. I had one best friend all through out grade school until the 6th grade. Stephanie and I did everything together. We would spend the night at each others house and for birthdays we invited each other over. I was happily content with this one friend. and she felt the same. Even than we could have conversations on the phone for hours on end about nothing in particular. She was my best friend and I was hers. I still have the wrapping paper from one of my birthday presents from her. The summer after my 6th grade year I moved away. Not far but far enough to where I had to go to a new school. I was starting junior high and I was terrified. Because we were coming from their rival school. Not something to brag about. But much to my surprise there was again 1 person that seemed to understand. To the public eye we were the oddest best friends. Her family was fairly wealthy and mine however made enough money to pay the bills and not much else. Dont get my wrong we were always provided for but we never had any of that play money. But we were there for each other. Through break ups and make ups we were there. I was her shoulder and she was mine.

We both cried the day I decided that I would go to boarding school 3 hours away my sophomore year in high school. It was my choice and I am glad I did it. Again I left the 1 person I trusted the most. The one person that knew every last secret about me. The one person who didnt care if I wore mis matched socks that day. The one person that didnt care if i was wearing name brands or not. Going to boarding school was a good thing in my life but It was definatlely an adjustment period. it took me a long hell of a time to find that 1 person that I could count on. The one person that I could cry to and could cry back to me. But I found her. She was my best friend and I would have done anything for her. Upon moving back home after my junior year of high school I left her. It broke my h eart. I cried and she cried. Not only was I moving back home but she was moving to Alabama. More than a 3 hour drive for me. I cried for days.

After she had left the big state for sure I retreated inside my shell and didnt bother finding a new person. It wasnt worth it. I always left when things got hard or my parents had to move. It wasnt fair to me and it wasnt fair to them. Grant most of them have moved on but I am still talkign to K. she will forever remain my best friend. But being alot of states away doesnt solve my delima of finding that one person I can go to with any thing.

Blog #2 in the same day

So I have made the decision. I am headed back to school. As much as I despised it the first time around I am going back for my bachelors. I dont like the stress of homework or the stress of money or anything like that but I am doing it.

I have realized that going to college is the one thing I am good at. I can apply myself and get good grades. Call it trying to compete with my sisters but its something that makes me feel good. I havent done much else in my life good enough for praise but for me school allows me to be proud of myself if even for a moment. I want to make something of my life and right now I feel as though nothing is happening. I want to succeed and I want to make a good life for myself even if it is by myself.

I wanted to go back and get a double major but I think I am going to take it one step at a time. I was so excited to be done with school the first time around. I needed some time for me and although its only been 3 months I feel I have had all the time that I need.

Part of the reason why I am going back is to keep my mind busy. To be around people who dont know about a certain someone that consumes my every waking moment. THey dont know him or how he treated me. THey dont know anything about the situation. I want ot move on and hopefully throwing myself into school will allow me to move on or atleast for the next 2 years stop forgetting about him. I know how crazy hard it is working 40 hours a week is tough enough but adding classes 4 nights a week is even tougher but it keeps my thoughts on homework. Its something that works for me and its the one thing I can do and praise myself for. Only a few people know that I am going back and many will probably think that I am crazy but ya know u only live once and why not do things that allow u to praise yourself.

One day I may get rewarded for my hard efforts but for now I will keep trudging on no matter what happens or how hard it gets. Life isnt as hard as I seem to make it. So much for this blog about being life after graduating college. I guess its now about a graduate going back so soon after graduation. Hell my ceremony is this next thursday and i will hopefully be going back the beginning of january. To those who read this wish me luck becuase i am sure I amgoing to need it.

ndgirl07 signing off for now and heading to bed. :)

Another day

I have returned from my work trip to Omaha, NE. It was a nice little break from all that is going on in my hometown but it wasnt great. While I was down there the mall had a shooting in which 9 people including the shooter are confirmed dead. It was only 2 miles away from my hotel so that kind of freaked me out. It didnt happen until the day before I was supposed to leave. Its scarey how those types of things happen and since the shooter is dead we will never have any answers.

Christmas is just around the corner. We are actually having our family christmas this coming Saturday since my sister and her fiance are going to his family's house for christmas. I feel really bad for my family and friends this year becuase I dont have the money I would liek to spend on them. I know my little sister is planning on spending like $75 per person on me and my older sister. We are all getting matching tattoos. Its gonna be the chinese symbol for sisters. Im really excited to get it however I feel bad because I wont be able to spend anything near that amount on them. It will be maybe $20 a person maybe a little bit more.

It sucks because I knwo they deserve so much more but I cant afford to put myself in the hole just get them the high end presents. Kind of puts a damper on the holiday season. oh well i guess thats it for now.

ndgirl07 signing off for now

Goodbye My almost Lover

This song was brought to my attention of someone at work and it kind of hit home as far as what I am going through in my so called love life.
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Almost Lover lyrics
You fingertips against my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images,
noI never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy for you
To walk right in and out of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

By A Fine Frenzy
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I know I need to move on from this part of my life however I dont think that I am ready to let go of this person. I know in my mind that he is not the right person for me but I cant bare the thought of taking him out of my life. The way I felt when I was with him is something that I cannot put in words. There were only a few times but still those I want to be able to cherish for the rest of my life. I dont want to say goodbye as the song says. I want to hang on to the hope that one day we can be together. I know its not good for me to hang on to this but I can help it. I love him. I dont know if I want to stop loving him. I really dont. Its a part of me that I dont know if I want to get rid of even though I know its better for me to do so.

Life has been going on a downward sprial right now. Mentally I guess I am still ok although I am worried that I wont be able to hang on for my life to start looking up. I try to be happy but I dont know how. I will write more later but considering its almost 1am my brain has ceased thinking straight.

ndgirl07 signing off for now

You'll always be on my heart...just like a tattoo

The past few days have been filled with alot of emotion. Lots of crying as well. I dont know why I am so hung up on this person. But I am. I love him with all of my heart. Its hard for me to even realize the depths of the feelings I had for him. Its scarey to actually reach into my heart and find them. Parts of me doesnt want to do it but the other part of me knows that in order to truly move on I have to. It truly is heartbreaking knowing how much I felt for this guy and realizing that he doesnt feel the same. It does make a person wonder what they did wrong. Was it something i did, said, wore...The list could go on and on. For those that acutally read this, yoru prolly saying that its nothing of the above. Some people just arent meant to be together and its obvious that me and this guy arent. I just saw so much potential in him that I kept hanging on even when I kenw the end was near. I wanted to believe that he loved me and that he would tell me one day. But I am so sick of waiting. I cant put myself through that emotional stress. It breaks my heart everytime that I heard about hsi new girlfriend or how he was working things out with his ex. I cant do it. I really love him and probably will for the rest of my life. One day the feelings will dwindle, maybe even go away completely. But right now I cant stop thinking of him. I dream of him, I wish he would call me. But its not going to happen. The dreams I have are fantasys that I hope one day in real life will work out the way i dream of them. I really am scared and stressed. I am going to sign off before i start crying at work

ndgirl07 signing off

Part 1 of 2

I have been dealing with alot of emotions this weekend and i find than when I write my feelings out it makes it easier for me to truly deal with it. The first letter I am going to post is to a friend of mine that I was seeing for awhile. I dont know if the letter will ever get delivered but here it is.

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Dear ________

I dont want this to sound like a good bye letter but I think that it has come to this. I care about you alot. The feelings I have for you are hard to put into words. You are a great person but most of all your a great father. The way you interact with your children is amazing. I love just sitting back and watching you play around with them.

For a few months I feel that you have led me on. You know how I felt for you yet you chose to play with my emotions. You knew how vulnerable I was at those particular moments and you chose to jump on the opportunity. I willprobably for the rest of my life have feelings for you. they may one day not be as strong as they are now but I am going to have to move on. There is too much going on in your life that you need to deal with. I dont know if you even saw me as someone you wanted to have a relationship with but I thought you did.

I have known you for almost 2 years now and I hope that I know you for the rest of my life. If not as a partner in a relationship than as a friend. someone I can talk to and hang out with to just joke around or watch a game. I realize that certain people are put in your life for a reason. At first I didnt know what reason you were in my life because while we got closer I got more confused. I didnt know what to think, I didnt k now what to feel. I felt myself falling for you harder and harder as the days and weeks went on. But eventually I realized that the feelings just werent mutual. Yes I cried. I cried alot. But it was just a fact of life. My heart was broken and I dont even think you realized what was happening.

I dont hate you at all for anything that happened. I thank you for all that you taught me. Unknowing to you, you taught me to stand up for myself and not back down. I always thought I was tough but when it came to certain things I realize that I backed down alot. Once I met you and actually got to know you for you, you changed that. I now wont back down from anything that I believe in or am passionate about. Including the MInnesota Vikings :). You taught me that no matter what anyone else says about me that I am a good person. Its easy for me to psych myself up and tell myself that I am a wonderful person but hearing it from someone else makes it easier to believe.

In the past month or so I have seen that you are trying to make a better person of yourself. I enjoy seeing that however I cant force myself to wait around with the feelings I have for you. Its time fo rme to move on. There will always be a place in my heart for you for the rest of my life. I truly do love you in more ways in one. If those feelings ever are returned I may be around but ....... I cant wait forever. My life is flying by me and I need to jump on the train and enjoy the ride. Good luck and dont forget to call..

Love Always

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Betrayal

I havent had the worlds greatest weekend. Alot of it was spent sleeping and working however when ever I wasnt doing either of those I was thinking. About life, boys, money and my supposed friends that have chosen this point to back stab me. I know life isnt supposed to be easy and I am not asking that it would be. Life is supposed to be difficult at times because that is what makes us who we are. Forcing ourselves to get through the tough times is what makes us, us. There are those who choose to sit down and take the easy road and then there are those of us who try to stand although unsure if we are going to be able to. Then there are of course those who stand straight up and take on what the world plans on throwing at them. I guess I am someone in the middle. I try my damndest to stand straight up and fight the world but there are many days where its a struggle to even get to my feet. But I do try hard to make things work no matter the situation.

Some of my older sisters guy friends from high school I still talk to from time to time. The two that I talk to quite frequently are some of my best friends. They look out for me as if I was their little sister. They have both stated time and time again that if I ever needed anything that all I had to do was call. I havent really took them up on that offer just because I am nto someone who likes to ask for help. Anyways I ended up runnign into one of them at the bars on thursday when I was out and about. I was shocked none the less that I seen him but was excited too. We chit chatted for a few minutes and he said he would be back. For the rest of the time at the bar he sat with me and a couple of girls that I came with. We were having a grand ole time just hanging out. Sometime during the night, i think when I had gone to the bathroom, one of the girls i was with decided it was her time to swoop in and try to take this guy away. Granted i would never date him just because he is my sisters exboyfriend but still thats not the point. Per previous posts I have written she is the one that decided to f uck around witha guy I met at a bar right after my birthday. Anyways she ends up giving hiim her phone number and thats when we called it a night. I dont know if anything happened between the two and frankly I am prolly better off not knowing. Cuz if I find out something did happen between them I will severely beat her with my own bare hands.

Just because she is willing to spread like butter to any guy that is willing doesnt mean she needs to ruin the chance for me. At this rate I am never going to be able to find myself a decent man that is not after just sex. I seriously just want to pack up and get out for awhile because of all the shit that is going on here. Its not fair it really isnt.

I feel that I have so much mroe to say on here but my thoughts are all jumbled and shit so i cant get anything straight. Maybe its the lack of sleep, maybe is stress. I dont have an idea but for now I am going to sign off and maybe write more later.

ndgirl07 signing off.