Its almost the new year :)

With only a matter of hours before 2008 brings its arrival a few things have changed in my little life. Nothing tooo major but things I feel the need to write about.

Friday night I was scheduled to work at my part time job. I couldnt sleep so I just watched my regular TV shows until I was supposed to leave. They had us at the store before it even closed and that irked me alot. But oh well. I was there to do my job so I did it. Even though it was quite frustrating as the customers are trying to shop and we are trying to fold I sure did the best that I could. I had printed off my schedule off when I got there since I am leaving for Boston in a week I wanted to see what days I could possibly find enough time to get all my stuff done. They had me scheduled for every day during the week prior to my leaving. That was the last straw on the camels back. It was extremely busy so I didnt want to approach my manager because there were just too many people around. Upon the store closing I tracked her down and told her that I was quitting. She asked if i woudl stay the rest of my two weeks. I said no. She asked if I would finish the rest of the night. I said no again. She then proceeded to say that if I was truly going to quit the way that I did than I would never be able to work there again. Do I give a flying fuck. Absolutely not. It was a mistake for me to even get a job at that place. They treat you like dirt and the pay is shit if you ask me.

After I had punched out she said that she wanted to talk about the reasons why I was quitting. So I laid it all out there. Shes rude, the scheduling is bad and the way they run the place sucks ass. Natuarally she was just going "by store policy" so I didnt really get much out of the conversation. But oh well. Its over and done with right now so there is no going back. money is going to be tight for a long time but I will make it do. I have done it before and I will do it again.

Last night I got to take my Litte man. Even though I only spent an hour with him I absolutely loved it. He is the cutest little 3 year old that I know. If I could i would take him with me and run away for ever.

Its New Years Eve tonight and I am not sure what I am going to do but I will most likely end up at the bars. Its the cool thing to do ya know. :)

Thats all for now.

ndgirl07 signing off for now

Part 2

Not want to drag on too long in one post i decided to break it up. Not like it matters but oh well.
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Once I got settled at home again I found a job, make that 2 and began my senior year studies via the mail. I didnt want to go back to school for fear of teasing since i went to a religious school. I was content. I went to work across the street in the morning and at night i went to work just a few blocks away. On nights/days off I did my home work or took tests. It was my happy little world that i lived in and I liked it. Upon finishing my senior year I continued to work for awhile in my home town. Once I was given the ok to use my grandpas car (he had passed away and my dad got it) I ventured into the big city (ok so not that big) to find something better paying. It was better paying but for the shit I had to go through on a day to day basis as a debt collector it wasnt worht it. So i foudn something new after a few months. All the while mind you I was going to college. I started working for a leisure travel agency. It was ok until they decided to be bitches about my school schedule. So I pretty much said fuck you and found a job as a corporate travel agent (much less stressful), where I have been for the past 1 1/2 years.

In between all this job switching I made the big choice to move out of the rentals house and itno the big city. I had found "someone" to kind replace S since she was so far away. Befriending S had kind of turned my life into a tail spin a little bit. But it taught me alot about what I truly wanted in life. She had 2 gorgeous boys T and D. I cherished both of those boys with all my heart but for what ever reason D sure struck my heart. He was a gorgeous 18 month old boy when I first met him and I fell in love. That boy had me at hello. I think i was drawn to him because he was soon to be the middle child. You see S was pregnant with a little girl at the time. I am a middle child and I think thats why we bonded on some super natural level. As soon and I moved into the big city S and I were inseperable. I was over at her apartment all the time and we also worked to gether. I cried when she cried, she cried when I cried. She was going through her own drama at the time and I was still trying to become surely independent wityh just having moved out. I went to her appointments for Little M and heard the heart beat and saw ultrasounds. I had never seen this before. I was amazed at that. I was that the hospital only afew hours after Little M was born and even got to hold her precious little body. It was beautiful. S and I went from one job to another together and worked together for about 8 months before things didnt work out for S. We still talked almost ever day and I still took my little man D from time to time. One day though the friendship came to a screeching halt when I did something wrong in her book. I am not oging to get into details in fear that they are reading thign however it was only a friend helping a friend. I still talk to S from time to time but not like it was before. I feel that I am losing D although I have tried to take him from time to time. Hes my man and I miss him. There is again a void in my life where S once filled. In the last year or so I havent found any one that can fill it. Alot of my secrets get held in side and bottled up.

There have been people that have come close to getting the covetteed spot but things have happened or things have been said that pushed them out of the running. I need that one person that I can forever depend on. That is there when I need to get away from my self and that someone who pulls me back to reality. There are still a couple people that are close to getting that spot but I havent let them take that final step to the podium. I guess you could say that I am scared. I dont want to get shit on like I have been. I dont want to feel dissappointment like I did before. I dont want to be rejected. I just want to be loved. Whether its in the friendly kind of love, homie love, or even romantic love. I just want it for ME.

When I first started this blog today I had a different purporse for it. I sitll dont feel like its done but I get to leave work so now it is done. Its alot of rambling but it sure made me feel better. I will write more later.

ndgirl07 signing off for now

There's got to be more to life than chasing down every temporary high...Part 1

For some reason or another the song title and singer are slipping my mind. I love the song and can recite most of the lyrics from heart although some are escaping my brain. Is there more to life than just the temporary highs? Is there a permanent high? Im not talking the high you get from drugs or alcohol but that bliss you feel when something is going right. You wake up happy and you go to bed happy. That kind of high. I may only be 21 years old however I have felt that high a time or two in my life. But only for a few hours or a few days. Never much longer than that. I want to feel it for weeks if not months on end. Now I am not asking for a ride forever on the clouds just something thats shows to me that it life truly is worth the troubles you go through on a day to day basis. it sure hasnt been shown to me yet.

I have just spent that last 4 or 5 hours of work reading various blogs I have fallen upon. Some about the joys of having 1 child or some times up to 5 and there are also the other blogs that I have read about single mothers/women, and familys just trying to have 1. The struggles they all have went through are crazy for me to read on my end but they all seem to find humor in it or somehow find the courage to let it go and let it become something of the past. Why cant I do that with my petty problems. Why cant i find the courage to just lift my head and be thankful that I am here for today and not worry about what happened yesterday or whats going to happen tomorrow. I want to just live for today and see where that takes me. Ask any of my friends if they want to plan something with me in advanced I tell them I dont know. I cant plan. I dotn plan. I hate planning. I dont like to be locked into something that I may not be able to do. I dont like planning at all. Planning to me seems so final. Its almost like its written in stone. Sure you can change your plans but than it throw a kink into other peoples plans and throws everything off kilter.

I like feeling a sense of normalcy. I know how things in my little world are suppose to flow and if something gets off balance it throws my head into a tailspin. This may be some type of disorder but who knows. I know how to make it through the day and that is all that matters. There are so many things in life that I am craving right now yet i dont have the slightest clue as to how to achieve them. Well I guess one of them is kind of obvious but that is beside the point.

Growing up as a child my mom was a stay-at-home mom. It was great having someone there all the time with you and not having to be shoved into day care with 900 other kids. I think it was when i was in grade school when she decided to go back to work. My little sister at the time would have been in kindegarten and back than (only 12 years ago) you had the option of going all day. Since my mom thought it would be best for us that what she did. We attended kindegarten all day long. I loved it. Both my sisters loved it as well. I think it was right around the time when my mom went back to work that I really started distancing myself from everyone around me except my father. I had one best friend all through out grade school until the 6th grade. Stephanie and I did everything together. We would spend the night at each others house and for birthdays we invited each other over. I was happily content with this one friend. and she felt the same. Even than we could have conversations on the phone for hours on end about nothing in particular. She was my best friend and I was hers. I still have the wrapping paper from one of my birthday presents from her. The summer after my 6th grade year I moved away. Not far but far enough to where I had to go to a new school. I was starting junior high and I was terrified. Because we were coming from their rival school. Not something to brag about. But much to my surprise there was again 1 person that seemed to understand. To the public eye we were the oddest best friends. Her family was fairly wealthy and mine however made enough money to pay the bills and not much else. Dont get my wrong we were always provided for but we never had any of that play money. But we were there for each other. Through break ups and make ups we were there. I was her shoulder and she was mine.

We both cried the day I decided that I would go to boarding school 3 hours away my sophomore year in high school. It was my choice and I am glad I did it. Again I left the 1 person I trusted the most. The one person that knew every last secret about me. The one person who didnt care if I wore mis matched socks that day. The one person that didnt care if i was wearing name brands or not. Going to boarding school was a good thing in my life but It was definatlely an adjustment period. it took me a long hell of a time to find that 1 person that I could count on. The one person that I could cry to and could cry back to me. But I found her. She was my best friend and I would have done anything for her. Upon moving back home after my junior year of high school I left her. It broke my h eart. I cried and she cried. Not only was I moving back home but she was moving to Alabama. More than a 3 hour drive for me. I cried for days.

After she had left the big state for sure I retreated inside my shell and didnt bother finding a new person. It wasnt worth it. I always left when things got hard or my parents had to move. It wasnt fair to me and it wasnt fair to them. Grant most of them have moved on but I am still talkign to K. she will forever remain my best friend. But being alot of states away doesnt solve my delima of finding that one person I can go to with any thing.

Blog #2 in the same day

So I have made the decision. I am headed back to school. As much as I despised it the first time around I am going back for my bachelors. I dont like the stress of homework or the stress of money or anything like that but I am doing it.

I have realized that going to college is the one thing I am good at. I can apply myself and get good grades. Call it trying to compete with my sisters but its something that makes me feel good. I havent done much else in my life good enough for praise but for me school allows me to be proud of myself if even for a moment. I want to make something of my life and right now I feel as though nothing is happening. I want to succeed and I want to make a good life for myself even if it is by myself.

I wanted to go back and get a double major but I think I am going to take it one step at a time. I was so excited to be done with school the first time around. I needed some time for me and although its only been 3 months I feel I have had all the time that I need.

Part of the reason why I am going back is to keep my mind busy. To be around people who dont know about a certain someone that consumes my every waking moment. THey dont know him or how he treated me. THey dont know anything about the situation. I want ot move on and hopefully throwing myself into school will allow me to move on or atleast for the next 2 years stop forgetting about him. I know how crazy hard it is working 40 hours a week is tough enough but adding classes 4 nights a week is even tougher but it keeps my thoughts on homework. Its something that works for me and its the one thing I can do and praise myself for. Only a few people know that I am going back and many will probably think that I am crazy but ya know u only live once and why not do things that allow u to praise yourself.

One day I may get rewarded for my hard efforts but for now I will keep trudging on no matter what happens or how hard it gets. Life isnt as hard as I seem to make it. So much for this blog about being life after graduating college. I guess its now about a graduate going back so soon after graduation. Hell my ceremony is this next thursday and i will hopefully be going back the beginning of january. To those who read this wish me luck becuase i am sure I amgoing to need it.

ndgirl07 signing off for now and heading to bed. :)

Another day

I have returned from my work trip to Omaha, NE. It was a nice little break from all that is going on in my hometown but it wasnt great. While I was down there the mall had a shooting in which 9 people including the shooter are confirmed dead. It was only 2 miles away from my hotel so that kind of freaked me out. It didnt happen until the day before I was supposed to leave. Its scarey how those types of things happen and since the shooter is dead we will never have any answers.

Christmas is just around the corner. We are actually having our family christmas this coming Saturday since my sister and her fiance are going to his family's house for christmas. I feel really bad for my family and friends this year becuase I dont have the money I would liek to spend on them. I know my little sister is planning on spending like $75 per person on me and my older sister. We are all getting matching tattoos. Its gonna be the chinese symbol for sisters. Im really excited to get it however I feel bad because I wont be able to spend anything near that amount on them. It will be maybe $20 a person maybe a little bit more.

It sucks because I knwo they deserve so much more but I cant afford to put myself in the hole just get them the high end presents. Kind of puts a damper on the holiday season. oh well i guess thats it for now.

ndgirl07 signing off for now

Goodbye My almost Lover

This song was brought to my attention of someone at work and it kind of hit home as far as what I am going through in my so called love life.
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Almost Lover lyrics
You fingertips against my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images,
noI never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy for you
To walk right in and out of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

By A Fine Frenzy
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I know I need to move on from this part of my life however I dont think that I am ready to let go of this person. I know in my mind that he is not the right person for me but I cant bare the thought of taking him out of my life. The way I felt when I was with him is something that I cannot put in words. There were only a few times but still those I want to be able to cherish for the rest of my life. I dont want to say goodbye as the song says. I want to hang on to the hope that one day we can be together. I know its not good for me to hang on to this but I can help it. I love him. I dont know if I want to stop loving him. I really dont. Its a part of me that I dont know if I want to get rid of even though I know its better for me to do so.

Life has been going on a downward sprial right now. Mentally I guess I am still ok although I am worried that I wont be able to hang on for my life to start looking up. I try to be happy but I dont know how. I will write more later but considering its almost 1am my brain has ceased thinking straight.

ndgirl07 signing off for now

You'll always be on my heart...just like a tattoo

The past few days have been filled with alot of emotion. Lots of crying as well. I dont know why I am so hung up on this person. But I am. I love him with all of my heart. Its hard for me to even realize the depths of the feelings I had for him. Its scarey to actually reach into my heart and find them. Parts of me doesnt want to do it but the other part of me knows that in order to truly move on I have to. It truly is heartbreaking knowing how much I felt for this guy and realizing that he doesnt feel the same. It does make a person wonder what they did wrong. Was it something i did, said, wore...The list could go on and on. For those that acutally read this, yoru prolly saying that its nothing of the above. Some people just arent meant to be together and its obvious that me and this guy arent. I just saw so much potential in him that I kept hanging on even when I kenw the end was near. I wanted to believe that he loved me and that he would tell me one day. But I am so sick of waiting. I cant put myself through that emotional stress. It breaks my heart everytime that I heard about hsi new girlfriend or how he was working things out with his ex. I cant do it. I really love him and probably will for the rest of my life. One day the feelings will dwindle, maybe even go away completely. But right now I cant stop thinking of him. I dream of him, I wish he would call me. But its not going to happen. The dreams I have are fantasys that I hope one day in real life will work out the way i dream of them. I really am scared and stressed. I am going to sign off before i start crying at work

ndgirl07 signing off

Part 1 of 2

I have been dealing with alot of emotions this weekend and i find than when I write my feelings out it makes it easier for me to truly deal with it. The first letter I am going to post is to a friend of mine that I was seeing for awhile. I dont know if the letter will ever get delivered but here it is.

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Dear ________

I dont want this to sound like a good bye letter but I think that it has come to this. I care about you alot. The feelings I have for you are hard to put into words. You are a great person but most of all your a great father. The way you interact with your children is amazing. I love just sitting back and watching you play around with them.

For a few months I feel that you have led me on. You know how I felt for you yet you chose to play with my emotions. You knew how vulnerable I was at those particular moments and you chose to jump on the opportunity. I willprobably for the rest of my life have feelings for you. they may one day not be as strong as they are now but I am going to have to move on. There is too much going on in your life that you need to deal with. I dont know if you even saw me as someone you wanted to have a relationship with but I thought you did.

I have known you for almost 2 years now and I hope that I know you for the rest of my life. If not as a partner in a relationship than as a friend. someone I can talk to and hang out with to just joke around or watch a game. I realize that certain people are put in your life for a reason. At first I didnt know what reason you were in my life because while we got closer I got more confused. I didnt know what to think, I didnt k now what to feel. I felt myself falling for you harder and harder as the days and weeks went on. But eventually I realized that the feelings just werent mutual. Yes I cried. I cried alot. But it was just a fact of life. My heart was broken and I dont even think you realized what was happening.

I dont hate you at all for anything that happened. I thank you for all that you taught me. Unknowing to you, you taught me to stand up for myself and not back down. I always thought I was tough but when it came to certain things I realize that I backed down alot. Once I met you and actually got to know you for you, you changed that. I now wont back down from anything that I believe in or am passionate about. Including the MInnesota Vikings :). You taught me that no matter what anyone else says about me that I am a good person. Its easy for me to psych myself up and tell myself that I am a wonderful person but hearing it from someone else makes it easier to believe.

In the past month or so I have seen that you are trying to make a better person of yourself. I enjoy seeing that however I cant force myself to wait around with the feelings I have for you. Its time fo rme to move on. There will always be a place in my heart for you for the rest of my life. I truly do love you in more ways in one. If those feelings ever are returned I may be around but ....... I cant wait forever. My life is flying by me and I need to jump on the train and enjoy the ride. Good luck and dont forget to call..

Love Always

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Betrayal

I havent had the worlds greatest weekend. Alot of it was spent sleeping and working however when ever I wasnt doing either of those I was thinking. About life, boys, money and my supposed friends that have chosen this point to back stab me. I know life isnt supposed to be easy and I am not asking that it would be. Life is supposed to be difficult at times because that is what makes us who we are. Forcing ourselves to get through the tough times is what makes us, us. There are those who choose to sit down and take the easy road and then there are those of us who try to stand although unsure if we are going to be able to. Then there are of course those who stand straight up and take on what the world plans on throwing at them. I guess I am someone in the middle. I try my damndest to stand straight up and fight the world but there are many days where its a struggle to even get to my feet. But I do try hard to make things work no matter the situation.

Some of my older sisters guy friends from high school I still talk to from time to time. The two that I talk to quite frequently are some of my best friends. They look out for me as if I was their little sister. They have both stated time and time again that if I ever needed anything that all I had to do was call. I havent really took them up on that offer just because I am nto someone who likes to ask for help. Anyways I ended up runnign into one of them at the bars on thursday when I was out and about. I was shocked none the less that I seen him but was excited too. We chit chatted for a few minutes and he said he would be back. For the rest of the time at the bar he sat with me and a couple of girls that I came with. We were having a grand ole time just hanging out. Sometime during the night, i think when I had gone to the bathroom, one of the girls i was with decided it was her time to swoop in and try to take this guy away. Granted i would never date him just because he is my sisters exboyfriend but still thats not the point. Per previous posts I have written she is the one that decided to f uck around witha guy I met at a bar right after my birthday. Anyways she ends up giving hiim her phone number and thats when we called it a night. I dont know if anything happened between the two and frankly I am prolly better off not knowing. Cuz if I find out something did happen between them I will severely beat her with my own bare hands.

Just because she is willing to spread like butter to any guy that is willing doesnt mean she needs to ruin the chance for me. At this rate I am never going to be able to find myself a decent man that is not after just sex. I seriously just want to pack up and get out for awhile because of all the shit that is going on here. Its not fair it really isnt.

I feel that I have so much mroe to say on here but my thoughts are all jumbled and shit so i cant get anything straight. Maybe its the lack of sleep, maybe is stress. I dont have an idea but for now I am going to sign off and maybe write more later.

ndgirl07 signing off.

I am still at work

It is now 6:12pm and I am still at work. My shift is scheduled to be done at 4:30pm yet I am still here. Someone had the bright idea of having a conference call after everyone was supposed to get off work so now my night has been shot to hell. I just want to go home, eat supper, and go to bed. The only plus side is this is considered overtime and tomorrow is Friday. Oh and today was pay day. I have been so focused on my story that I want to get home and write.

Oh well I guess life will go on no matter how much I hate the fact that I am still here. Its quiet in the building for once with no one here. The after hours department is here but they are on the other end of the office so you dont really here them. Down on my end there are only like 3 or 4 people still here so there isnt much going on.

There is nothing really spactular to report on my life right now. Same shit different day seems to be my life. some day I will be able to come on here and say such profound things that blow people away....(yeah right...i know yall are laughing your asses off) Until then I best be focusing on this conference call thingy I have.

ndgirl07 signing off

Book writing 101

So I began the wonderful journey of writing a book. I got a whopping 8 pages written. Woohoo. Go me. I sat down after I checked my email and just begain to write. I wrote for an hour or so and had to eat. (somewhat of a necessity :)) Upon finishing my food I sat back to write. I got a few more pages done after that but come 7pm the writing became sporadic. Dancing with the Stars, Samantha Who and the Bachelor were on right after another. Shows I cant miss :) Oh well there will be more writing tonight. I dont have to work at Hollister until Saturday night so I have a bit of freetime to deal with. I could logically be cleaning but that can always wait.

I hope to have the rough draft of my story done with in 6 months or so. It all depends on how motivated I get when I get home. I am easily distracted either by email, msn, or when people call my phone. But I am going to finish this one. I have set my mind to it.

well thats all for now...again i should be working :)

ndgirl07 signing off for now

There is light at the end of the tunnel

First and formost for anyone that has read this blog, I got my results on Saturday and I do not have cancer. They were precancerous but the doctor said that he got everything so al I have to do now is go in for check ups. The letter stated every 3 years but when I go in for my appointment the end of this month I am going to talk to him about it. I think 3 years is a little to long to wait but who am I to say anything. I am not the one who spent God knows how many years in school. I guess we will see. On to the next bit of business in my world.

I have decided to try and write a book. For many years I have always loved writing. I get these amazing starts to stories yet I never finish them. I seem to always start them while I was busy with school and I would get busy doing other projects that I would end up forgetting them. Now that I am done with school I have a little bit of free time on my hands so I am going to start this crazy adventure tonight....after I clean out my car that is. I think I could end up living in my car if need be. I have blankets, food, shoes, pants, sleeping bag, movies. Everything u can think of I have in there. What can I say. Not to long ago I was a college student which required me to primarily live out of my car. :)

Back to my story writing. I have superb ideas running through my head that I cant wait to get on paper. I hope to actually be able to start and finish this one. Its so hard though cuz i will write and write and write for days getting quite a few pages done however then I fall into a rut and not be able to think of anything else to write. So i usually reread what I have already written to jog my memory as to which direction I was going to go with my story. Then I end up changing the beginning of my story so muych that end up restarting. I dont want my book to end up sounding like anyone elses. I want it to be original and fun but still true to who I am. Its giong to be fun to actually see if I can finish the book and after that edit it and see if it can get published. Its kind of exciting. I love writing and hope to actually make one of my dreams come true. I want to have a book published. I want to be able to say I did something that I lvoe. I would prolly never be able to make a living off of my writing but its something I am truly passionate about.

Well thats all for now as I am supposed to be working :) I amsure there will be mroe as I begin to write my book.

ndgirl07 signing off

It will never happen to me

As crazy as this world is, I live in a decent area. Not a huge crime rate and over all its a great place to live and work. (now I am sounding like a commercial) You hear people dying or getting sick everyday. But not once do you think it will happen to you.

I received a huge wake up call this passed thursday. I had gone into the doctor for some medical reason and had a colonoscopy done to see what was wrong. The doc said he removed 5 polyps off my colon which isnt terrible. If I asked him if that was all and I would be fine he stated that he had to send the polyps off to the lab for testing to see what exactly they were. He was worried about 2 of them because they were fairly large and there was a good chance they could be cancerous. CANCER?! Not me. I know I am not the worlds healthiest person but not cancer. I lost my grandpa to cancer. I am 21 after all. I just graduated college. I shouldnt have cancer....not now....not ever.

I wont know the results for 2 week or less but its going to be the longest 2 weeks of my life. I dont know what to do. Everyone keeps asking me if i found anything out. Well sure I did but I dont want to even think that I have cancer. THe odds are against me considering that someone in my family is always getting diagnosed with cancer. I dont know what to do next I really dont. Hopefully the tests will come back showing its not cancer and I can move on from this ordeal. Hope.....thats what I am hanging on to. HOPE

ndgirl07 signing off

Confusion

I am now a legal adult. Nothing great is happening as is the usual story of my life. I live each day the same as the one before. Nothing changes and everything stays the same.

I am not happy where I am at currently yet I dont know how to change that. I have thought numerous times that I am going to leave the area and start over but I dont know where to go.

I want to write more but my brain has shut down. Im tired and am going to take a nap. I will write more wheni get up

ndgirl signing off

Its too late to Apologize

My weekend was wonderful. As who ever reads this knows my 21st b-day was on Saturday. It was a great time. I did end up drinking too much and getting sick but all in all it was a great time. I wouldnt have had it any other way, except for my MOM came bar hopping. not the greatest. But she behaved for the most part. Nothing spactular happend but it was good.

now for my blog title. I have been hung up on a certain someone for sometime now and couldnt get over him. Its obvious to me that he is over me but i just couldnt let him go. I kept waiting for something, anything. and it never came. I wanted an apology for how he treated me. I heard that song Apologize by OneRepublic. Its like a 3 minute song but it says so much. I loved him, with every beat of my heart yet it was never returned. It is too late for him to apologize. I know I can be treated better, and that there are guys out there that will treat me better than he did. I am not going to wait any longer. If and when he feels the need to apologize I may be around but I am not going to wait. He lost his chance and now I am moving on. I am not forgetting about him becuase I did learn alot but I have to move on.

I am a great person that deserves the utmost best. And I wont stop until i get it. I just had to get this out there.

ndgirl07 signing off

ugh....

That is exactly how I am feeling today. I dont want to be at work, I dont want to be around people. I just want to be at home in my bed, in my jammies sleeping or watching a movie. Call it the weather but I am in a very lousy mood. Its rainy and gross outside and thats what I feel. Just gross. Its not cuz I didnt shower either because I keep up on my hygeine habits, in case if any one cared.

Its my birthday in 4 days. Not just any birthday but 21. The whole concept of drinking hasnt necessarily interested me. I have been drunk before but the whole recovery you have to go through after a long night of drinking just isnt worth it. For my b-day I want to go all night and hit most every bar in town. However I am going to be a cheap drunk and with in a few hours I am sure to be so far gone that I wont even remember my name. It should be a good time. At least I am hoping so. So far only like 4 or 5 people have decided to come. That including my sister and her fiance. Close friends that always told me that the day I turn 21 they would be there cheering me on. However most have backed out. Do I care? Of course. Am I going to let it get to me? For now yes. Cuz its not fair. I want ot have people there to help me celebrate it but doesnt look like its going to happen. Oh well. If all else fails I will head to the liquor store and drink by myself :)

I got paid yesterday and I am already broke. How ironic is that. At least I know they arent going to shut my electricity off, take my car away or shut off my cell phone. But still. I work my ass off 8 hours per day and I aint got a whole lot of nothing to show for it. Hopefully one day soon I will be able to have extra money after pay day. I need me a sugar daddy.

I wrote a few days ago about being in the same room as a guy that I was supposedly involved with. At this point he is the scum beneath my toes. Remember the Little Rascals when Alfalfa writes a letter to Darla? Well thats a letter that I want to write to him. Its childish I know but sure states what I feel. I am worried that I amgoing to run into him on my b-day since the town is small and he frequents the bars looking for his latest catch. With the mood I am in today I would probably kick his ass and then kick him a few more times just for good measure. I am not a huge fan of severe violence but by golly for him I want the worst. He wouldnt even speak to me on Saturday night when I saw him. Can we say asshole? ASSHOLE. I wanted to so badly beat him down. But I contained myself because as much as I despise my job and how messy my apartment is, I really dont want to see the inside of a jail cell. Although they did add a new wing. Maybe they can name it after me :) Funny I know. Anyway back to the asshole. I found out recently that he had been fucking around with his ex-girlfriend the whole time we were together. I thank the gods up above because physically we didnt get very far. It would have been the worst mistake in my life had somthing happened. But it didnt. I still dont get why he felt the need to use me as a play toy when he couldnt get anyone else. and then throw me away once he got something better. He gives guys a bad name. Honestly right now I dont want to date ever again. Its not work the emotional heartache that a person has to go through. Its a constant reminder. I see everyone happy with their husbands, fiances, boyfriends or whatever yet I have ntohing. I dont do anything. I go home and sit all by myself watching tv. Thats all I do. I guess I can stop ranting and raving now since no one reads these anyways.

ndgirl07 signing off

Another day goes on

Another day has come and gone. I am no closer to where I want to be. I dont know what I need to do different. But its like I go through the same routine just on different days. Maybe when the day comes that i finally turn 21, life will be a bit different but as of right now it sucks.

On the love spectrum of everything it sucks. Its a long ass story that I dont feel like explaining right now. Its 1:30am in the morning and I dont have the energy. Besides the guy that I am pissed off at is in the same room :( Long story again

nd girl signing off

Time goes on.......

Nothing exciting has happened in my life in the past few weeks. Just work and more work. I am getting more excited by the day to finally turn 21. Its a milestone in my life in which I am hoping people look at me as an adult vs just a child. I know I am young but dammit I am not a baby. I dont have any real big plans for my b-day. Just a lot of drinking. I just want to have a good time and be around people who care ya know. I dont want hundreds of people that I dont even know jsut those close to me that have been there through out my life.

I havent had much time to think about much. I have been working both jobs. Although this weekend and also next weekend I am off from my part time job. I am hoping I only have only 1 shift scheduled next week as things are going to be buys. I have to get my apartment cleaned for my party on the 20th. Which is going to take a long ass time. I havent really unpacked since I moved in. I knjow where hte important stuff is but thats about it.

I cut my hair today and its super short :( well short to me anyways. I am going to style it tomorrow and see if I like it but for now it looks cute.

ndgirl07 signing off

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me

I am the first to admit that I fall for someone way to easily, most likely before I know all the facts. However if the facts are presented to me from the beginning, I tend to make the best choice I possibly can. I analyze everything until I cant analyze them any more. I guess my point is I have made a huge mistake. Its not something that is life threatening or that I cant take back or change. People who play with other peoples feelings ought to have the same thing done to them. Its not nice nor is it fair. I now at 20 years old that life sometimes isnt nice, or fair btu when someone purposely uses you only to throw you out like yesterdays trash. It makes a person rethink everything around them. I wont be mentioning names at all in this blog however this person is like the scum that is found behind a stove that hasnt been cleaned for a long ass time. I am shaking and damn near in tears over this person. I really have no reason to. I just thought this person was going to be different. Going against my best judgement I fell. And let me tell you I fell hard. He broke my heart not once but twice. I should have learned the first time but I didnt. I was stupid and came back for round two. The second time around is my fault. I will own up to that. He just proves that there arent any good guys left in this world. I may only be 20 but its looking more and more like I am going to be single for the rest of my bloody life. After this last person shattered my heart, it will be a long time before I ever let someone in my life again. I am not going to trust anyone. Its better that I keep all my secrets and feelings to myself. It only ends up hurting me in the long run when I tell someone. At least with this online blog I dont have to answer to anyone. With out mentioning names no one knows who I am talking about. They can assume whatever the hell they want but I aint telling them shit. No one from here on out will ever know my business. If they ask me how my day is I will give just a one worded response and go on with my day. I will only call someone if its an emergency and only answer if someone persistently calls me. Its time I realize who my true friends are instead of dealing with these fake ass people with their fake ass friendliness. Fuck them all. I have made it this far in my life with little or no help whose to say that I cant make it the next 50 or so years. I am a single independent women and will make it even if its the last thing I do.

a very angry ndgirl07 signing off now

What do I do now?

Another day has come and gone yet I am no where closer to achieving what I want most in life. Happiness. I slap on a happy face just to make everyone else believe that my life is great. Its anything but great. Someone told me that my life could be soo much worse. I know that. Im not saying I want diamonds and a brand new car in the driveway. I just want to be able to live my life and not worry about what bills I am going to be able to pay with each pay check and what bills have to wait. It shouldnt be that way. But unfortunately it is that way for me. I try and play the deck of cards that I have been dealt but when I havent been given enough card I dont have much to work with. I do what I can but yet it doesnt seem like its enough.

I started my part time job yesterday. Although it was fairly easy work, I dont like the people I work with too much. Most of them are so conceited and rude that its hard to have fun while at work. Thats what the interviewer told me when I first got hired was that their whole goal was to make sure that when someone leaves from their shift that they leave with a smile on their face. Well I sure didnt. After I got home and started to unwind my whole body started hurting. My back hurt, my legs hurt, my arms hurt, my knees hurt. Everything did. I didnt fall asleep until after 1am. And I had to be up for my normal full time job at 630am. I could barely drag my ass out of bed this morning in time to get ready. I cant imagine working until 2am and getting up at 630am. Which I get the pleasure of doing this Wednesday. God I am so not looking forward to.

Working brings up a whole nother stresser in my life. I sat down and figured out how much I make each month and how much all my bills cost me. I dont even break even. My bills out weigh my monthly earnings by almost $100. I dont know what to do to save money. I dont go shopping alot (i do have occasional binges) I can barely sometimes afford groceries and when I am able to pick some up I can only buy the super cheap stuff. I have eaten frozen dinners for at least 2 years now. I am so sick of them. But its all I can afford. I thought being done with school would put my life at a little more ease but it hasnt. I think I am more stressed out now then I ever was when I was in school. The cost of living is going up, gas keeps going up, and groceries keep going up. Do our wages go up? Nope. Not a single penny. I dont understand how those in charge expect people to suceed in life.

I try to keep focused and keep telling myself that as long as I keep pushing through life will turn around for me, I just havent seen any results yet. Its tough to keep going on when you have no good results. Its depressing it really is. I best sign off for now. I am sure there will be more tomorrow.

ndgirl07 signing off for now

Love is in the air

For everyone else it seems. My cousin Darin got engaged last week sometime. And I found out that Friday night my older sister Stacie got engaged. I am super stoked for them because its great they found someone they want to spend the rest of their life with. However I cant help but be jealous. I love my sister to death but now she isnt going to have much time for little old me. I dont even have a damn boyfriend. She is going to be starting a life with Nick and I am goign to be left on the sidelines. It seems to be my lifes motto. I always am on the sidelines for everything.

This weekend hasnt held any spactacular plans. Just slept alot and went home for a few hours. I was supposed to go visit a friend but I have like no money. And even on payday I wont have much left. After rent is paid and some other misc bills I will ahve barely enough for gas. I wish I could find another job that paid me well. Even if i seriously pinch pennies I barely have enough money. Hell for groceries i bought noodles and parmasean cheese cuz i dont have money :(

I start my new job today. I am excited and nervous at once. I wont know anyone except for one person, if he even works tonight. I havent seen him inmonths so he prolly wont even know who i am. Oh well. It will be extra money.

Thats all for now. Im exhausted and am going to take a nap

ndgirl07 signing off

Its Finally friday

I am so super glad the weekend is finally here. I dont have any spectacular plans but its nice to know the work week is done in 5 hours and I get a couple of days of freedom. I plan on going to visit a friend this weekend and also spend time with her parents. They are 2 of the coolest people I know.

I also start my new job on Sunday. I work a 6pm to 11pm shift. So not too bad considering I have to work on Monday at my regular 8am start time. It will be a long monday but its going to be extra money especially since my b-day is coming up and I am going to have a massive party. Its my 21st after all and Ive never had a birthday party in my life. Its going to be a good time. I already have a designated driver lined up so thats covered. The only things left to do is to find a super cute outfit and figure out exactly what I am doing for sure. Its still a month away but its going by fast. I remember I started a countdown on my myspace over a year ago. Now its almost here :) :) :)

I was thinking about taking some time off work during that weekend since my trip is completely canceled now. I dont have the energy to fight with the airlines to get my fee waived since my grand mother passed. Funny I fight for these things for my clients everyday yet I cant seem to fight for myself. Oh well. I guess such is life and I will hopefully be able to plan it for sometime next year. I am going to try and convince my older sister to have a girls weekend in Vegas. Just go somewhere we have never been before and have fun. No boys, no parents. Just us havinga good time. Not sure how that is goign to work considering they bought a house and hopfully will be getting married soon. If she doenst want to come with I may just book a spa weekend for myself and get away for awhile. Some nice long massages would do me good.

well thats it for today

ndgirl07 signing off.

Another day another dollar

I didnt have time to write on here today at work as I seem to be running around with my head cut off. I am working on all these little projects that somedays I dont know which end is up. Its for all the same people but I am struggling to keep it all straight. Different trips here different trips there. I am taking phone calls on top of keeping up with emails. Its a difficult task especially when there were 2 people out sick today.

The days seem to be getting a little bit better although I still am not in the best of moods. I know how happy go lucky that I can be i just cant seem to get there again. Life came crashing down on me all at once and I dont know how to sort through it all. Some days I keep telling myself that eventually I will be back to normal and life will be great, I just dont know how I am goign to get there. I keep my self busy all day at work but the minute I get home I dont have anything that has to get done so I sit here and think and think and think. Its hazordous to ones health I think. Oh well. Im still alive so Ive got to send praise to the man up above for giving me that.

Nothing really super duper exciting to report. Only 1 month till my 21st birthday. Thats all for now

ndgirl07 signing off :)

A new spring in my step

Today has gone quite a bit better than the ending of yesterday. I dont feel as numb. I have joked around a little bit today but still something in me seems off. I cant pin point exactly what it is but its not right. I think its my depression coming around the corner. I have fought it off for so long that I dont want to go back to that place I was at 4 years ago. I am a better person, stronger because of all the stuff Ive been through. But I am human and am not perfect. I have never gotten on any pills for my depression or anxiety. I dont feel the need to use the medications that people become so addicted to when I have been fine for awhile. It may benefit me to see a therapist at least 1 time a month but that costs money. I dont have the extra cash right now so thats out of the question. When I try to talk to my friends to get what I am feeling off my chest, most not all though, just interrupt me and tell me I will be fine. Last night I was just sitting in my apartment and it was like the evil monster was knocking on my door. I fought it off all night but the minute that I laid down in bed I no longer could. I wasnt able to keep busy and keep my mind off things. Some people that read this prolly think that I am crazy. But its what I go through everyday of my life. I dont try to be depressed, its just something that some people suffer with.

I know my life could be worse. Hell I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, food in my cubbord (even if i cant cook) and a few close friends that I can tell anything too, but still I am left wanting sooo much more. My days are now spent sitting at home in my apartment just thinking. I over analyze everything in my life and it scares me sometimes. I look at decisions and choices that Ive made and think of how I could have done them differently. How my life would be different and this causes more problems. It sucks. I dont know what to do.

This is ndgirl07 signing off for now cuz work got busy.

There are no words to describe how I am feeling

I thought going back to work would throw me back into the usual routine that I am oh so familiar with. I was wrong. I went to work today and didnt feel anything. I wasnt happy, sad, mad, glad. I was just there. I didnt feel anything through out the day. I did what I had to do and I was gone. That was it. No jokes, no laughs, or smiles. Just my body there performing the everday tasks that are required of me. I didnt feel the need to go above and beyond today like I normally do.

I feel as though I am numb. I wasnt excited to see the people i hadnt seen in almost a week. I didnt get excited when 4:30 came around and it was time to go. Nothing. I am feeling nothing. I know there is nothing wrong with me, just the grieving process. I want to just lay in my bed all day long and just donothing. THats not possible because there is no way my bills will get paid. And besides I have to shower, shit and shave eventually. No one else will do it for me. I miss my granny terribly. THe thought that both her and Papa are gone is what gets me the most. At least for 2 1/2 years I had Granny to visit and sitll have part of Papa with me. Now I have nothing. Not a single thing. Sure I can visit their grave site but its not the same. I want Granny here so we can take her to the DQ and get her an ice cream. After we would bring her back to the care center she had to tell everyone that would listen that she got to go for ice cream. It was something small but it meant the world to me. She would get so excited. And she always had to show us all the candies she won when she would play bingo. I want her to just be there. She was the one grandma that would be proud of us for finishing something, getting a new job, or just the little things in life. She is gone now and so is part of what I had left of Papa. The memories are what stay with us for ever but even though it hasnt been a week yet I feel those are fading to. I dont want to forget the times she would feed me dinner because I was such a slow eater, I dont want to forget the times she would yell at Papa because he would tell some stupid joke, or she would get mad at him for playing cards or going to the senior citizen center. I dont ever want to forget. But I feel as though I might.

I havent even had the time to figure out what I am going to do with the rest of my life. Sure Ive been out of school for almost a week now it feels as though my life is passing me by and I am just sititng back and watching it go by. I dont want to miss the smallest detail in my life. That I am taking a back seat to everything. I want to find a special someone to spend my spare time with, and eventually make a family with. However instead of spending my spare time with someone special I will be spending it at another job. Its all that I know to do. I wasnt even out of school for a few days before I picked up the second job. I have to keep my time occupied otherwise I get bored with myself and I dont want to go there again. I want to keep myself above water and the only way I know how is to keep busy. Sure there wont be much left for social time but oh well. Life will go on even if I have to work for the next 60 years of my life. Its what I have to do.

Sorry this has been so depressing but its life. We have good days but we also have bad ones too

ndgirl07 signing off

Back to the same routine just missing a few steps

Tomorrow I have to go back to work after being off since Wednesday. I am ready to go back though because I have been holed up in my apartment or going to prayer services or funerals. Its not fun. I need to get out and do sometime. And what better thing to do than to work. Woohoo for me. It will be nice. Being around people that care and I can joke around with. It will be kind of weird though having clients ask how my vacation went when I didnt get to go on it. Oh well.

I thought I had more to write but my brain has shut down.

ndgirl07 signing off

Just another day in my life

I have slept so much lately that I just cant sleep now. I nap during the day and sleep for 8 or so hours at night. I guess I am just catching up for all the sleepless nights that occured while I was in school. Its weird not having to do homework or not show up for class. I am done. I am proud of myself but at the same time I cant bring my self to be excited right now because of the events of the last few days.

Yesterday was the prayer service for my grandma and today was the funeral. They were both very well done. The prayer service was great because they had a time for rembrance. It was nice to see my dad laugh at all the memories that were brought up. Not only of my grandma but also of her and Papa together. This year they would have been married for 62 years. It was just a very peacefull time. The funeral today was good. It was a Catholic Mass so I dont understand most of it. But it was good.

My work sent flowers today which meant alot to me. When my dad said they sent some I started crying. It was such a beautiful arrangement. I loved it. I even got to take it home. So its now sitting on my counter top. The people I work with are amazing. I had so many people tell me that they were thinking of me either via text, email, my space or a phone call. It means alot to know they care.

I think it was yesterday that my dad asked me why I canceled my trip. He said that it was something that I deserved and that I should have gone. I didnt think twice to cancel the tickets. My family meant more to me than a vacation. Its going to be tough this next week explaining to all my clients why I didnt go on vacation but its life. There are going to be more chances for me to go on vacation.

Well thats all for now.

ndgirl07 sigining off till next time

Life Sucks

I dont know how much I will be on the next few days. I got one of the worst calls in my life tonight. My grandma passed away. It wasnt something we expected considering she had been doing soo good. Ive been crying the last 3 hours and now I am just angry. I am supposed to be excited about being done with college and I was planning on going on vacation in a few days. Family is so far more important that i didnt hesitant when I canceled my airplane tickets. Life throws us for loops and this is just another one

To you I pray

One would think that by this time I would be overjoyed. I couldnt sleep at nigh, I was restless and just excited. School is done in 2 days and I also go on vacation in 2 days. Yet I find myself pissed off to no end. There are a few things in life that can trigger my anger and my mom is one of them. She knows what buttons to push and let me tell you some days she pushes them hard. I think sometimes she does it just to see what reaction I give. You see I was blessed to get my dads temper. When I was younger I had a slight problem in controlling it. I didnt lash out too bad but things tend to break when I was around. Over the teenage years I learned how to control it becuase I knew no one wanted an angry person around. A few people in my life can trigger an outburst and I was ready to burst this morning. I am stressed out the way it is however it seems when my mom calls she just adds fuel to the already burning fire. I hate it when people call and wake me up, especially when its not an emergency. I receive a call at 6:30am this morning, mind you I am usually not functioning until 6:45am. Its only 15 minutes I know however its 15 minutes that I need. I thrive for sleep and when its disrupted it makes me mad. My mom decides to call me this morning to let me know that I received a letter from someone credit card company stating that my address had changed. well no shit sherlock. I moved. I thought that would be the end of the convo since I needed to get up and start my dad. nope. I was so very wrong. I have been giving my mom some money out of each pay check to put away in case of an emergency. you never know when somethign is going to break or your not able to pay a bill. Well I wanted a little extra spending money when I go on my trip. So I had asked my mom on Sunday if she could bring some of that money in to me on Tuesday so that way I had it when I leave on wednesday. She was all fine and dandy with it when I asked her so i figured it was no biggie. I asked her this morning if she remembered to bring the money and she said she did. Well then she decides to go off on this little rant about how I really dont need it and I shouldnt be going on this vacation. Im sorry I am finishing college. I deserve a little time away. I have no idea when the next time I will be getting a vacation as next summer I have to start paying back my student loans. This was a present to me that I thought I deserved. I need to get away. I need some time awya from the people who push my buttons on a daily basis.

I dont want this to seem like a huge rant about my mother and how much I despise her becuase I love my mom. I would do absolutely anything for her. But she needs to let go a little bit. I am almost 21 years old yet she still treats me like I am 12. What is she going to do once I find a boyfriend and am not able to answer her call 20 times a day. I dont want to estrange myself from my mom, I just need a little space. A little space isnt too much to ask is it? I know people are going to read this and look bad upon me because I am talking like that about my mom but I feel like I am suffocating from her smothering. Please dont think I hate my mom, cuz I dont. My mom is the greatest person in the world. Jsut with a few flaws. But thats what makes her my mom and I wouldnt ask for anyone differe.

So this I pray to you....please give me the paitence to deal with my mom and please give me the paitence to get throught the next few days with out blowing up. AMEN

this is ndgurl07 signing off for now. There may be another one yet today.

Where do I go from here?

One of my closests friends said to me today at work that people always want what they dont have. I have heard that a time or two before but never really thought twice about it. With college almost completed I realize that I am starting a new phase in my life. In the past few days I have started to reevaluate everything about me. For so long I have been in the same routine of working, school, and homework. I didnt really know anything different so to speak. Now that I dont have to worry about school and homework, I have time to worry about ME. Its something that I've never done before and its kind of scarey. I realized that I do want things that I dont have and that I see everyone else have. I want a boyfriend, more money and more material things. Is that what makes a person? In today's society, that is what makes a person. But I dont want it to make me. I want to be able to pave my own path in life and not take the road that everyone else does. I want to do things no one else has done before me. That takes risks that I am hesitant to take. I want to put my foot out there and test the waters but right now that seems so scarey. It would be nice if someone would make manual on how to get through life with your head above water. Unfortunately for everyone its a different story. No 2 stories are the same and everyone makes different choices.

I know that even though there may be some shitty days ahead I will come through them and have plenty of good days. But I have to do that for myself. No one else is going to do that for me. I should know that by now because I have been on my own for 2 years now yet I still feel like I am learning. Will I ever know enough to make it through? I so hope so. I have to go day by day and work through the problems that arise.

I have always told my friends and even my sister when they have relationship problems that they need to be happy with themselves before they let someone else in their life. Funny how I can give such great advise to my friends yet when it comes to my life, I am leary about taking my own advice. When I call my friends to vent about my latest boy problem they tell me the same thing that I told them before. Yet when I hear it from them it doesnt sound as good as when I said it. I have got to put my foot down and become happy with me. I need to love who I am right now and not try to be someone that I am not. Its something that I have always struggled with especially growing up with a sister that was looked upon as a goddess while in high school. THe only reason people knew who I was, was because I was so and so's sister. I was never known by my first name. At home my parents always compared me to my older sister because she was like the ideal model for a perfect daughter. Not me. I was the one that broke things, instigated fights between the sisters, and did average in school. I never got compliments syaing good job. It was always you can do better. Even now, someone always has something to complain about. I just want to once hear, "Great job" "YOu did it". SOmetimes with my clients at work I hear it after I have booked a complicated reservation or did a group project. It feels great when someone commends you for the work you did. But it doesnt mean as much coming from clients as it does coming from friends and family. I mean seriously. I got my own apartment, my own car, cell phone and hell I am graduating college. SOmething that many people in todays society dont do. Please can someone say Congratulations.

Re-evaluating my life is something that i needed to do a long time ago but chose to avoid it. I kept making excuses and putting it off. Now that one door has closed and more have potentially opened it and opened my own eyes to the opportunites that lie in front of me. As I am writing this blog many things are running through my head. I am thinking ya know even if someone doesnt congratulate me or compliment me on a job well done, i need to be happy for myself that I completed the task. Its me that needs to be happy for me. Not anyone else. Sure they may see the obvious battles I overcome but no one sees or understands the internal battles I have over come. I keep rambling on and on but it feels good to get this off my chest. I will end up reading this blog tomorrow at work and realize that for once I need to take my own advise. For once I need to be happy for me and then one day I can be happy with someone else.

Thats all for now. ndgirl07 signing off.

The excitement is building

I have only 1 more final and 1 more presentation to do and than my college career is finished. At least for now. In the last couple of days I have really been stressed out and overwhelmed due to the fact I am going on vacation on thursday. There was so much to finish before I left. I took one of my final exams last night. Although I didnt do as good as I wanted to, I am still passing the class. There are only a few assignments left to be graded before the final grades are sent in. After I clicked the submit button it was a huge relief off my shoulders. For the first time in a long time I actually became excited about the prospect of being done. I have no idea what life has in store for me in the next few years, but I am ready to jump in head first and try it all out. I want to experience life and I want ot have fun. I dont know what that entails but its going to be an adventure. I have all my tools ready to go. Hope everyone has a great monday. I leave on vacation in 3 days :) I so cannot wait. Thats all for now

Life is changing

I dont have anything profound to say just need to get my feelings off my chest. Life right now is alright. Not anything spectacular however I am content. I am in the final days of my college career. I have only a few assignments and final tests to take and then I am done. I am happy, scared, worried, and stressed out. I know I have accomplished something in my life that is only going to help me out in the end but I dont know what to do next. People continuously ask me what I am going to be when I am done. I dont know an answer to that question. I know that I am no longer college student. I have referred myself as a college student for so long that I dont know what to say I am. A college graduate? Someone with a huge amount of debt? I dont know. I am me. Is that an ok response? I am Theresa Ann. A friend, daughter, sister and i think an over all good person. Some people may disagree but they dont know me. They dont know the type of person I am and quite frankly I dont care. I have the people around me that care and thats all that matters to me. Sure I would like more of a social life but ya know I dont need that. What I need right now is for people to back off a little bit and let me figure out life for myself. I know I am going to make mistakes but how am I supposed to learn if I dont try. I am going to fall sometimes but I am going to brush off the dirt and continue on knowing I learned a lesson. Give me suggestions or advice but please dont tell me what to do. I am an adult and will decide what choice I am going to make.

The thing that I am yearning for most is someone special to come into my life. I am ready for a relationship and ready to begin settling down. I dont want to be married tomorrow I just want to be with that special someone for awhile before the ultimate commitment is made. Marriage is forever in my eyes and I am not going to just settle for anyone. I am sick of the guys who think that dating is just a game. They dont realize that its not and the only thrill they get out of it is getting into someones pants. I just want guys to open their eyes to what is sitting before them. I may not have the money, and fancy things but I am a good person.

It seems like all the truly good guys are taken. It sucks because I see all my friends and even my sisters finding their special someones yet I am sitting on the sidelines waiting for something. ANything. I just want to feel loved.

well thats all for now. I have no idea if anyone is even going to read this but this is my safe place to say what I really feel. I plan to use this to show others out there the life after college and the struggle to find true happiness.